22 April 2008

The sound of silence

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk to you again
because a vision softly creeping
left its seeds while i was sleeping
and the vision that was planted in my brain,
still remains
within the sound of silence.

This song was performed by Simon and Garfunkel in honor of JFK. It was a #1 hit single in 1966. After closely listening to the lyrics, i think i know what they were saying.

Today marks 12 weeks or 3 months since my wife passed. I was looking back last night at the journal i have been keeping and remembering what happened the evening i found her. I have since come to understand the Sound of Silence.

In my recent post after her death i mentioned that i felt my life change course in midstream. I have now seen where I'm heading. Not that it is good or bad, just a different direction than i had planned. Sometimes we are not in control and we just have to ride it out. I try to close my eyes and hang on.

Everything in my life has changed. The music i listen to is different, the vehicle i drive is different, the way i dress is different and what i eat is different and with all these changes i still feel the same loss. Change and time doesn't really help. I still remember that first night vividly like it was yesterday. I can tell you who was at my house and most of the people at the funeral. Damn a good memory.

Our house was a shambles. We had just had the bathroom remodeled, took up the carpet and put down wood flooring and painted the bedroom and had all the Christmas decorations taken down and ready for packing away. We had to move all kinds of stuff out of the way to remove her body. Funny how big and cumbersome a stretcher is, i never knew that.

After everyone had left about 0130 in the morning i call Ricky to let him know what happened. He calls Terry and they both head over to the house unbeknown to me. It was 0230 and i am digging through the safe when out of the corner of my eye i see movement at the front door. The dogs freak out and start barking and i damn near crapped myself. It was Ricky and Terry.

Around 0430 we go over to IHOP and have breakfast. We were not exactly appropriately attired but we didn't give a shit. The cops kept a watchful eye on us for some reason.

When the clock struck 0700 Ricky and Terry had to go to work. We had been up all night just talking and deciding what to do next. I jumped in the shower and got cleaned up. I had to choose her outfit to be buried in. That took me almost an hour to do. That was the hardest thing i have ever done. She had specified in her will what she wanted to wear down to her boots and necklace. I found everything but the necklace.

Around 1000 i am at the funeral home picking out caskets and everything else that goes into a funeral. We set a time to go to the grave yard to pick her plot. It was a dark day. Sometime that early afternoon the motorcycle shop called me to go get my 4-wheeler. I went and picked it up and Ricky and i went to a late lunch. I got home about 1700 that afternoon. Ricky, Mardy, Terry and the guys from work showed up again and we sat around all night. Sleep wouldn't come.

That morning Gerald showed up and we began to field day the house. Put away all the Christmas stuff in the shed, cleaned up all the construction crap and re-hung all the pictures where they belonged. Got the house cleaned up for the guest and took the dogs to the beauty parlor. At 1500 Mardy, Ricky and myself went to the funeral home to view the body. I broke down and lost it. Mardy and Ricky got me back home and i hit the bottle. Erech and Cameron show up with double doubles from Whataburger and i chow down. 15 minutes later i am asleep in my recliner in a drunken stupor. Sleep finally came and lasted about 4-5 hours.

I wake up about 0200 and everyone is laid out around the house trying to get some sleep. I tell everyone to go home and i spend that night alone for the first time in many years. The silence was deafening.

The wake was Friday night and the funeral was Saturday morning at 1000. My Brother and parents stayed over Sunday and we took out all her personal belongings and stored what i wanted to keep and donated the rest to Helping Hands. Looking back now i question if i did the right thing.

Monday morning my parents and brother left for home and took my two dogs with them. I couldn't keep them as much as i travel and i wanted them to stay together. Now the only background noise is the whirling of the ceiling fans. I can hear the sound of silence.

3 months later and i still have the same sleeping pattern. I sleep a couple of hours each night at all different times. As i lay in bed the slightest sound will awaken me. I go days with out sleep sometimes and just sit and idle the time away. Even when i am on the road sleep still eludes me. I guess my nerves are still acting up. I refuse to use sleep aids other than beer and Malibu Rum. Don't want to get addicted. Ha.

I am not interested in dating so i just find things to do to keep busy. I have renewed my relationship with my 4-wheeler, motorcycle and guns. I realize that it will never be back to normal. My normal is gone. Eventually i will establish a new norm and i will be comfortable with it.

Yall have a good day and Love the one your with.

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