23 November 2010

Old flame

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called ‘out-of-the-blue’ to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that “old magic”.

“Wow!” I was flabbergasted.

“I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now”, I said, “I’m a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.”
She just giggled and said she was sure I would “rise to the challenge”.

“Yeah.” I said. “Just so long as you don’t mind a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone…everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!”

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”

So I told her to piss off

Golf lessons

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men’s tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies’ tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, “I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn’t help.”

One of the men immediately responds, “Well, there you have it! You should have taken golf lessons instead!”

He never even had a chance to duck

22 November 2010


Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, “Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.”
“Sure,” they said, “You’re welcome.” So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a hit man,” was the reply. “You’re joking!” was the response.“No, I’m not,” he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight. ! “Here are my tools.”
“That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, “Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.” So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. “Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.” “Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha ha, I can see she’s naked!! Wait a minute, that’s my neighbor in there with her…… He’s naked, too!!! The bitch!”
He turned to the hit man, “How much do you charge for a hit?” I’ll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.” “Can you do two for me now?” “Sure, what do you want?”
“First, shoot my wife. She’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he’s a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.“Are you going to do it or not?” said the friend impatiently.
“Just be patient,” said the hit man calmly, “I think I can save you a grand here…..”

The sinister secret behind inflation

By David Hayden, webmaster March 07, 2010 at 07:46 PM EST 2 commentsMy mother and father would hark back to the days when a loaf of bread was only 8 cents. “Mom”, I would say, “things just cost more.”Could I have been more wrong?
Things don’t cost more, it is a hidden tax!How Inflation is Created
Contrary to common thought, inflation is not the normal order of things. It will all become very clear when you read this short analogy.
There are 10 people in a community.Abe makes tractorsBill makes gasCharlie builds housesDarin is a developerEdward makes tractor partsFrank is a produce farmerGeorge raises cattleHank is a tractor mechanicIan owns and drives a delivery vanJasper is a laborerThese hardworking folks soon learned a simple barter system would not work. When Charlie built a house for Hank, he wanted to be paid, but did not need tractor parts.
They needed something else of value to trade. Everyone knew this was a problem for them too. So they all got together and created an advanced barter system called money.They created the “DayCredit” or as it became known the DC.
A DayCredit was equal to exactly (1) 12 hour day of work. Since it takes Charlie 3600 hours to build a house, the house is worth 300 DC’s. That means Hank is going to have to labor as a mechanic for 300 days to pay for the house.
With DC currency, it does not matter for whom Hank works, as long as they pay him in equivalent DC currency. Charlie knows that the money he receives can be used to buy goods or services from anyone else in their group.So far; so good.One day, the Fedrev family moves into town. The whole town is excited and welcome the Fedrev’s with open arms. They explain to them how their barter system works and the Fedrevs agree to accept and use the DC currency.Up until this point, everyone printed their own currency based on integrity and full guarantee of their 12 hr work day per DC.Fedrev was a printer and supplied printing services. Then one day they offered to be the sole printer of the DC currency. A reasonable idea but unfortunately Fedrev was lazy and dishonest.Fedrev wanted to have the nicest house in the community but did not have enough DCs to purchase the house from Charlie. So they very quietly printed a little extra money and gave it to themselves as a 10% interest bonus. They then used that money to buy the most expensive house Charlie could build.Everyone knew there were more DCs in the system than there were labor hours to back them up. So when Frank went to buy a tractor, Edward would no longer accept 1 DC per 12 hr day. Edward now wanted 1.1 DCs for each labor day he needed to build a tractor.Jasper the laborer could no longer afford to buy produce because Frank had to raise his prices to cover the cost of the tractor. So he demanded a cost of living adjustment from George the Cattle farmer.Upon learning that George’s beef prices went up by 10% Bill raised his gas prices to cover his family expenses.And so on.Sadly, due to dishonest money policy, 10% of the value of the money simply disappeared. A day’s work is still a days work, but for this community, a day’s work is only worth 91% of what it used to be.For those that could raise their prices, it was a wash.But for those who could not raise their prices, their money now buys less. A day of delivery for Ian is no longer worth a 12 hours of Bill’s gas production.Rising prices are absolute proof that too much money is being pumped into the system!I get inflation, but how is this a hidden tax?
Great Question.Who benefited in the community of 10?The Fedrev’s. They immediately got 10% more value out of their DCs than anyone else. The few that could raise their prices accordingly and immediately maintained the value of their products and services but those that could not lost out.Professional politicians, like the rest of us want to keep their jobs. But in order to even get the job they have to make unrealistic promises like “a chicken in every pot, a car in every garage” or better yet “Health Care for Everyone!”However, there is a finite amount of money available for them to use to pay for this pandering. If they campaign on the promise that “Universal Health Care will only cost you an additional 25% in taxes” no one will elect them.Since politicians know the truth will not work, but will say anything to get or keep their jobs, they need to tax you with out you knowing it.Politicians, like the Fedrevs know that if they ask the Federal Reserve to pump a bunch of money in the system their dollars buy a lot more than your dollars.
The important part of this is knowing how the Federal Reserve creates the money they pump into the system.
Basically they have a book of blank checks. That’s it.The checks are NOT attached to any accounts, any reserve of gold or silver, it is just a check book.The Federal Reserve writes a check to the US Government for billions of dollars and presto chango, money is created out of thin air by the stroke of a pen and the miracle of the printing press.Politicians get billions of dollars to spend (In Obama’s case trillions).The secret is, when politicians use the dollars they get current value.Unfortunately, by time you get your dollar, it is now worth far less than it was when you earned it.The really sick part is that the private bankers, affectionately known as the Federal Reserve, charge the citizens interest on the money they created out of thin air!Through the Federal Reserve Act, the politicians guaranteed the private bankers that the interest would be paid by a direct tax on the income of the us citizens.By devaluing Your dollar, but not the government’s, you get hit with a hidden tax. To keep the illusion alive, the government and media quickly shift all the blame to companies raising prices.Can anything be done to stop this train wreck?
I wish I were more optimistic on this subject. To put an end to this would require a few actions that I just do not see happening.Citizens must take time to fully understand the Federal Reserve. A good place to start is by reading The Creature from Jekyll Island: A Second Look at the Federal Reserve., watching these videos and watching The Money Masters Video.Remove from office all politicians that embrace the Federal Reserve.
Demand and fight for a complete audit of the Federal Reserve.
Demand a list of names of the actual owners of the Federal Reserve.
Insist the politicians fire the Federal Reserve and retake the Constitutional right of our Government to print its own money. (Lincoln did and Kennedy wanted to.)
Cowboy up and realize there is no free ride. It is pay as you go,regardless of what politicians promise.
Demand the elimination of the Federal Reserve Note and insist that currency be backed by gold or some other commodity. (definitely not something stupid like carbon credits)
Ok let’s wrap this up
Inflation is NOT caused by rising prices based or evil profits.
Inflation is direct evidence politicians have intentionally mismanaged money for job security.
The Federal Reserve prints money out of thin air at the behest of the politicians.
The Federal Reserve is gauranteed your income will be taxed to pay them interest on the money they created out of thin air.
The politicians get to spend uninflated dollars that have far more value than the dollars that trickle down to you.Inflation is just secret code for taxation without representation.Ok, maybe we will not be able to return to the days (1935) when milk was 8 cents a gallon or the average cost of a new house was $3450.Focus on value, not dollars. In 1935, based on the average annual income of $1600, an hour of labor would buy 7.6 gallons of gas.In 2009, based on an average annual income of $55,000, an hour of labor will buy 8.8 gallons of gas. Remember, a good percentage of current gas prices are TAXES, so the price of gas, in terms of our direct labor to acquire it, is far less than in 1935.Things do not cost more in effort than they did in the past, in fact, they are often less expensive in terms bartering labor for goods.Politicians are happy to pump too much money into the monetary system to buy their votes becasue it is easy to hide the tax behind slipery words like inflation and pass the blame to the corporations that provide the lifestyle we enjoy.

An interesting perspective

Here at my company, our insurance program has a 2 million dollar lifetime maximum. I don't know if this is standard or not. I have heard of other companies have maximum benefits though.

Here is a dilemma, we have an employee that is in his/her late fifties. This person has had two boughts with cancer and a mild stroke that revealed some aneurysms. This person also has the cancer returning.

Since undergoing all this medical procedures, this person has reached the $2,000,000 point. What to do now?

I know that the new obamacare has eliminated the lifetime maximum, but what if it hadn't eliminated it?

Or better yet, what if this person didn't have private insurance and they were on medicare?

When is it enough? If you have spent $2M on medical and still fighting the same thing, should you continue to fight it?

If the person is on medicare and our tax dollars are paying for it, when is it enough?

I guess my point is that we really need to evaluate end of life planning. Should medicare pay for a 70 year old to have a heart transplant?

The three biggest items in the federal budget are medicare, medicaid, and ssi. To lower our federal budget, we will have to make cuts to the big three. Are we, as a society, going to tell grandpa and grandma that you are too old for that procedure? Should we spend $2M to keep an elderly person alive with little to no quality of life?

The question really becomes who determines the quality of life. The family probably would want to keep grandpa alive but me, the taxpayer, says let nature take its course. Can we allow government officials to make this call? Does grandpa really want to be kept alive to sit in a wheelchair not knowing who he is or who his family is?

I think these are the decisions that will have to be made in the future. It will be hard but they must be made.

12 November 2010

the 100MPH goat

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.”
The second hunter says,” I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”
The first hunter says, “There’s this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see”. So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. “Say there,” says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”
The first hunter says, ” Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!”
The old farmer said, “That’s impossible. I had him chained to an old junk transmission!”


A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door…
It’s opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand,a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm…
Salesman: “Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?”…
Little boy: “What the fuck do you think?”…

10 November 2010

A public groping

The wife and I flew to Nashville TN two weekends ago for an awards banquet with her company. As the wife has allergies, we have to take her drops with us. We have a very small collapsible cooler that we put her drops in and then place the cooler in our backpack. The drops are in a 2 ounce bottle so we didn't think we would have any problems.

We go thru Midland airport without any issues and we have a great time in Nashville. When we are going through the Nashville airport, things get a little hairy.

I had the backpack so i unloaded it and took my boots off and everything else to pass through security. Everything goes thru the scanner ok and they do a wipe test on the cooler and find traces of nitrates or explosives. Apparently, this gets every one's attention including the TSA supervisors.

They surround me and start asking if that is my bag. I said yes and then one of the TSA people escort me to the glass cubicle they have for semi-private searches. About this time the wife is about to panic because she thinks they are taking me to Gitmo or something.

This young TSA agent tells me that he needs to pat me down. Not a normal pat down but an aggressive pat down to ensure i am not trying to blow up a plane. He informs me that we can go to a private and secure location or we can do it right there. I look at my wife and from her eyes i can tell that if i'm taken to a private spot she would probably have a panic attack.

I look him in the eyes and say "Bubba, i spent 4 years in the Navy. If you want to grope me, you're gonna have to do it where everyone can see, hell, i will buck down right here if that will make you happy"

He cracked a smile and said " I understand, i did 6 years in the Corps"

I replied, " So, you get your jollys groping old sailors do you?"

He says "No, but i do like pissing ya'll off"

He explains the procedure to me and ask if i consent to being searched. I asked if i had a choice and he said absolutely, if you don't want to fly. Naturally i consented and the groping began.

As he was checking my groin area i said "Hey jarhead, my wife is watching so don't look like your enjoying it" He responded with something about squids being queer or something along those lines.

As all this was going on, other TSA agents were standing around my wife and asking her questions about where i had been and such. The whole time she is watching to make sure they don't slap the cuffs on me.

As my searcher was coming up my other leg and checking my left nut, i said " You get it up, you get it off"

He shook his head, finished his search and took the latex gloves he was wearing to have a wipe test done on them the see if i had explosives on my clothing.

When they put the wipe in the testing device, what do you know, the device wasn't working. Some TSA agent got on the radio and was requesting another tester when the jarhead that groped me said to the agent "Just let them go, do you really think they are terrorist?" and my wife overheard him.

He came in, apologized to me and we talked about duty stations as i was getting dressed.

It wasn't a big deal to me, hell, i could really care less. The problem is that there are people like my wife who would freak out if that happened to them. I really think there is a better way to screen passengers.


A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.
“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”
The policeman asks, “Really?
And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
“My wife”, comes the reply

08 November 2010

Another article by Eddie Sessions

A short article from the Wall Street Journal that needs to be read by every level headed American!!!
Article from the Wall Street Journal – by Eddie Sessions:
“I have this theory about Barack Obama. I think he’s led a kind of make-believe life in which money was provided and doors were opened because at some point early on somebody or some group took a look at this tall, good looking, half-white, half-black, young man with an exotic African/Muslim name and concluded he could be guided toward a life in politics where his facile speaking skills could even put him in the White House.
In a very real way, he has been a young man in a very big hurry. Who else do you know has written two memoirs before the age of 45? “Dreams of My Father” was published in 1995 when he was only 34 years old. The “Audacity of Hope” followed in 2006. If, indeed, he did write them himself. There are some who think that his mentor and friend, Bill Ayers, a man who calls himself a “communist with a small ‘c’” was the real author.
His political skills consisted of rarely voting on anything that might be deemed controversial. He went from a legislator in the Illinois legislature to the Senator from that state because he had the good fortune of having Mayor Daley’s formidable political machine at his disposal.
He was in the U.S. Senate so briefly that his bid for the presidency was either an act of astonishing self-confidence or part of some greater game plan that had been determined before he first stepped foot in the Capital. How, many must wonder, was he selected to be a 2004 keynote speaker at the Democrat convention that nominated John Kerry when virtually no one had ever even heard of him before?
He outmaneuvered Hillary Clinton in primaries. He took Iowa by storm. A charming young man, an anomaly in the state with a very small black population, he oozed “cool” in a place where agriculture was the antithesis of cool. He dazzled the locals. And he had an army of volunteers drawn to a charisma that hid any real substance.
And then he had the great good fortune of having the Republicans select one of the most inept candidates for the presidency since Bob Dole. And then John McCain did something crazy. He picked Sarah Palin, an unknown female governor from the very distant state of Alaska . It was a ticket that was reminiscent of 1984’s Walter Mondale and Geraldine Ferraro and they went down to defeat.
The mainstream political media fell in love with him. It was a schoolgirl crush with febrile commentators like Chris Mathews swooning then and now over the man. The venom directed against McCain and, in particular, Palin, was extraordinary.
Now, nearly a full 2 years into his first term, all of those gilded years leading up to the White House have left him unprepared to be President. Left to his own instincts, he has a talent for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. It swiftly became a joke that he could not deliver even the briefest of statements without the ever-present Tele-Prompters.
Far worse, however, is his capacity to want to “wish away” some terrible realities, not the least of which is the Islamist intention to destroy America and enslave the West. Any student of history knows how swiftly Islam initially spread. It knocked on the doors of Europe, having gained a foothold in Spain .
The great crowds that greeted him at home or on his campaign “world tour” were no substitute for having even the slightest grasp of history and the reality of a world filled with really bad people with really bad intentions.
Oddly and perhaps even inevitably, his political experience, a cakewalk, has positioned him to destroy the Democrat Party’s hold on power in Congress because in the end it was never about the Party. It was always about his communist ideology, learned at an early age from family, mentors, college professors, and extreme leftist friends and colleagues.
Obama is a man who could deliver a snap judgment about a Boston police officer who arrested an “obstreperous” Harvard professor-friend, but would warn Americans against “jumping to conclusions” about a mass murderer at Fort Hood who shouted “Allahu Akbar.” The absurdity of that was lost on no one. He has since compounded this by calling the Christmas bomber “an isolated extremist” only to have to admit a day or two later that he was part of an al Qaeda plot.
He is a man who could strive to close down our detention facility at Guantanamo even though those released were known to have returned to the battlefield against America . He could even instruct his Attorney General to afford the perpetrator of 9/11 a civil trial when no one else would ever even consider such an obscenity. And he is a man who could wait three days before having anything to say about the perpetrator of yet another terrorist attack on Americans and then have to elaborate on his remarks the following day because his first statement was so lame.
The pattern repeats itself. He either blames any problem on the Bush administration or he naively seeks to wish away the truth.
Knock, knock. Anyone home? Anyone there? Barack Obama exists only as the sock puppet of his handlers, of the people who have maneuvered and manufactured this pathetic individual’s life.
When anyone else would quickly and easily produce a birth certificate, this man has spent over a million dollars to deny access to his. Most other documents, the paper trail we all leave in our wake, have been sequestered from review. He has lived a make-believe life whose true facts remain hidden.
We laugh at the ventriloquist’s dummy, but what do you do when the dummy is President of the United States of America ?”

01 November 2010

a few one liners

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prime librarian,
‘Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?’
She stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
‘Buzz off, ye’ll no bring it back!’

A man took his dog to the cinema. At the end of the film the dog applauded.“That’s amazing,” said the usherette.“Yes, it is,” said the man. “He didn’t think much of the book.

Slow EMS response

I saw a Muslim fall off the 21st Street bridge into the Arkansas River at 8:00 this morning. Being a responsible citizen, I immediately informed emergency services.
It’s now 6:00 PM and they still haven’t responded!
I’m beginning to think that I wasted a stamp !