09 February 2011


A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of asentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes thereader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It isfrequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing ananticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians andsatirists.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way, so Istole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standingin a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong. (I have to remember this one)

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it ina fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and thenproceed to tell you why it isn’t.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many isresearch.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a trainstops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they cantrain people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that youdon’t need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In anemergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billionstars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and50 for Miss America ?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute toskydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a waythat you will look forward to the trip.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devouredby a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and ashot of tequila.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever youhit the target.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it aswhen you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

07 February 2011


I have joined the ranks of the terminally stupid

Yep, i have become one of the people i have always said were too stupid to procreate. Every month at work we get a list of accidents that happened. We have dubbed that list the Darwin awards. People who do really stupid shit and get themselves hurt. Unfortunately, I have become one of those idiots, although at home, not at work.

Here is how the story goes. My daughter in law has been after me to adopt a dog. Since we got 4 acres, we have plenty of room. Finally i told her that if she found a Catahoula for adoption, i would adopt it. I figured the chances were slim and none of finding a Catahoula in West Texas.

Sure enough, she finds one. I was actually in Amarillo when she found him so she adopted him for me. I was to take ownership when i got home. According to adoption rules, she had to take the dog to the vet within 48 hours. While at the vet she called me and asked what i was going to name him. I had to name a dog i haven't seen. I decided to go with his heritage and named him Feet Pue Tan (Fee boo tan). I thought it was funny.

So here i am with a Catahoula, a big yard and no dog house. I put something together for him but it wasn't very good. As you know, we had temperatures in the single digits last week. I decided that on Saturday i was going to build a dog condo for my new best friend. We call him Beaux for short.

I enlist the oldest boy to help me out. We decided to build his condo in the old water well shed. The shed is constructed of cement board so it will keep the wind and moisture of the condo. $211 later, i have all the supplies i need to have a dog house with a living room and a bedroom and the entire condo will be heated along with a heated bed for him.

The condo currently has two rooms but one of them will be the sleeping quarters for the second dog i plan to get.

Anyway, we build a floor out of treated lumber and start building the walls. We insulate the walls with R-30 insulation and seal all cracks. Everything is going good until i accidentally put some 3" nails in the pneumatic air gun.

As i am building the roof, the air nailer jams up. I must add that i was already pissed off at this point. Beaux, the smart ass that he is, decided to make a run for it when i had the gate open. I had to chase his ass down on a UTV to catch him, not once but twice. I was plenty steamed when the air nailer jammed up.

I was jiggling the safety device and messing with the trigger when BAM, the nailer went off and i felt a sharp pain in my index finger. I look down and there is a 3" nail shot through my glove and index finger. I just starred at it with disbelief.

I walked out of the shed and oldest boy looked at it and thought i was joking around. When he realized i was serious, he looks at me and says "Damn, you want to go to the hospital?"

I said "No, I just need to pull it out".

Let me tell you all right now that pulling the nail out hurt a lot more than it did going in.

As with all puncture wounds, once the nail was removed, the bleeding began. After i got the bleeding under control and the wound bandaged, i finished up the condo. I liberally applied pain medication in the liquid form and hopefully there will be no infection.

So because i was mad, in a hurry, and not paying attention, I get a nail through the finger. Just goes to show that we need to keep our focus no matter what we are doing or where we are doing it.