30 April 2008

Phone Call

Ring ring, ring ring

"Hello, Big Sexy here"

"Yes, i am trying to contact Mr. Ray about an exclusive credit card offer from Chase, is Mr. ray in?"

"You got him. What kind of exclusive credit card offer?"

"We are offering a credit card with $32K limit, no annual fee and 0 interest until 2009. Is this something you might be interested in?"

"Damn skippy, I'm in. what do i have to do?"

"Well sir, this credit card is for business owners. Are you a business owner?"

"How did you get my number?"

"We pulled it from a list provided to Chase"

"I would assume that the list is of business owners, am i right?"

"Yes sir"

"Then i guess i own my own business. Is this conversation going to be full of dumb questions?"

"No sir, i apologize for that. What is the name of your company?"

"Doesn't it say on the list with my name and number?"

"No sir it doesn't, i need the name of your company to proceed sir"

"Ray Incorporated, Ray Inc for short"

"And Mr. Ray, what kind of business is this?"

"We are a service company"

"What type of service sir?"

"We sale drugs to kids"

"Excuse me, sale drugs to kids?"

"Yea, did you say the limit was $32K? I need a new van. The cops know mine when they see it. For that kind of cabbage i can buy several used vans and rotate them out to keep the pigs confused"

"Sir, i can not issue a credit card to a drug dealer"

"Why not, my money not good enough for you?"

"No sir, Drug Dealing is not a legitimate business"

"Yes it is"

'How is drug dealing a legitimate business?"

"I pay taxes on the drugs i push to the kids"

"I'm sorry, you pay taxes on the drugs?"

"Absolutely. When me and my posse go out and buy the raw materials for cooking meth, we must pay taxes on the supplies. A whole seller doesn't pay taxes on raw materials but on the finished product. I simply pay taxes on the materials and not on the finished product. If i am paying taxes then i am supporting the government thusly legitimizing my business. Now, where is my card?"

"Sir, i can hardly say that......."

"Excuse me, i am not interested in having a debate with you about my business. It is after all, my business and not yours. I don't answer to you, your not a stock holder nor an employee so i do not have to explain myself to you. If you disagree with the laws, call your representative. You called me, i have a business, i meet your prerequisites, now i want my damn card!!"

"Sir, i can not authorize......."

"Apparently you don't have the authority to wipe your ass. Why don't you get your supervisor on the phone and let me talk to someone who can in fact make a decision. I don't have the time or the energy to deal with underlings"

"Sir, my supervisor is busy at the moment and ....."

"Look bitch, i ain't got time to Fu** with you. How about i send a couple of hard pipe hittin niggas over there to get medieval on your ass? The motherfuc**** will tear your ass from your..........."

The line went dead. She hung up on me. I was just starting to get into character and she hung up. Damn, can't even have fun with telemarketers anymore.


Anonymous said...

Ray, you're a genius!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

The call was recorded for quality assurance.

Hope they don't use too big a battering ram when they come.

Heh Heh

Glad you are feeling a bit better lately

Big D