29 September 2007

A hard week

Thursday morning at 0230 am my nephew is driving home on his motorcycle and a Toyota Tacoma pulls out in front of him. He can not stop so he hits the truck and takes the force of the blow with his head. He is not wearing a helmet. The CCU doctor says if he makes it, he doesn't know what kind of brain function he will have. We have to wait and see. They are taking steps to relieve the pressure from his brain swelling. We are praying for a positive outcome.

My good friend and Brother Knight of Columbus, Darrel's wife has passed away after a valiant struggle with cancer. She is 44 years old and leaves two young teenagers behind. Her body will be Lying in Repose at our church Sunday night and the Knights of Columbus will maintain a vigil until the Funeral Mass on Monday.

So between my nephew and friend, it will be a long hard weekend.

What a week

About 3 years ago i wrecked my wife's Chevy S-10 blazer. Since the insurance paid it off, i decided to keep it and make a mud buggy out of it. I cut and chopped and took it to Louisiana with me. We rode it around and had some fun. I decided to leave it at my Dad's house since we would only use it on the lease during hunting season.

I come on back home and i come across this International Scout for a hell of a price. I buy the Scout and tell my Brother he can have the blazer if he wants it. He ask what i want for it and i said "You can have it"

He calls be a month or so later and tells me his son wants to trade an old 4-Wheeler for it. I said "He can have it" so he says " where do you want me to put the 4-wheeler?"

I said just put it in Dad's barn and i will get it later. So this summer the wife and I go home to Louisiana and Dad says " you gonna take that 4-wheeler home?" I look at him and say "What 4-wheeler?"

I forgot all about that thing. My brother and I go to the barn and drag it out. It looks like crap. I figured i would take it home and see if i can get it running. They told me that it smoked so bad it would foul a plug in about 30 minutes. It is a 1997 Lakota 300. I call a few gear head friends of mine and i end up taking the bike to my friends house in Borger TX. We tore it down and found out why it smoked so bad. Someone rebuilt the top end and didn't know what they were doing. It was off time and the intake valve was bent.

I pulled the jug and sent it to LA Sleeve and had it bored and re sized to original, Weisco piston and gasket set. We put in two new valves and guides and a timing chain. We had to cut off the drive chain so i had to buy a new one of those as well.
We put it all back together and we had 13:1 compression. We put in a new plug and can not get the bike to start. We try everything and then we notice that the coil is hot wired to the battery. Why someone did this i will never know but they did. So i went and bought a new battery and it fired up on the first push of the button. We got it running but it ran like crap.

So now i have the bike back in my garage and the carb is soaking in the parts washer. once i rebuild the carb it should run just fine. Not bad for a bike that sat in a barn for 3 years.

25 September 2007

Ghost

A professor at TEXAS A&M was giving a lecture of the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How
many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.



"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe
in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.



"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this
seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.



"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.



"That's fantastic Now let me ask you one question
further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes
off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made
love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us
about your experience."



The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and
began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the
front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us
what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"



Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you
said "Goats."

Ghost

A professor at TEXAS A&M was giving a lecture of the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How
many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.



"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe
in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.



"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this
seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.



"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.



"That's fantastic Now let me ask you one question
further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes
off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made
love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us
about your experience."



The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and
began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the
front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us
what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"



Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you
said "Goats."

Dusty Underwear

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker... "It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'."

24 September 2007

Health Questions and Answers

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. .. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: N o Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Beer in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

21 September 2007

The neighbor, a dog and a .45

The other day my neighbor and good friend told me they were going to New Orleans on vacation. His wife is from Louisiana and they are a good source of ingredients when they go home. They asked me to watch the house and to feed the dogs. Now my neighbor and I are both Oilfield Trash so our schedules are not exactly chiseled in stone. As we are used too, he also asked another friend to help feed the dogs. He figured between the two of us, one of us would get the dogs fed.

One thing i failed to mention that was that both dogs are Pit Bulls. The smallest one goes about 80 pounds. She is also the mother of the bigger male, appropriately named "Monster".

With us being friends, i have been around both of these animals since they were pups. When the mother was a pup she used to come over to the house and play with some of my pups, Pugs to be exact. It was funny to watch them play. Actually they still play together to this day. They are really friends.

So i come home from Borger TX and grab the key and walk over to the neighbors to check on the dogs. I am letting the dogs run around and i am sitting in neighbors house watching TV with the front door open. I want people to know that somebody is home. I go to the kitchen to grab a beer, they said i could, and when i walk into the living room there stand Other Friend looking at me. He says " Is that the last beer?"
"No" I say, then he looks and says " Whats in your pants?" I reply in typical oilfield fashion " My Dick, would you like to sniff it?"
He replies " Not the front of your pants Ken Doll, the back of your pants" "Oh that i say" and i pull out a Beretta Cougar .40 cal.

Now other friend was like " What the hell is that for?"

I look at him with the most stupid look i could muster and say " Are you kidding?"

So we talk about the killer instinct instilled into pit bulls and we end up playing PS3 while watching the dogs. Now i have known these dogs since they were pups, but i will not go into their house without the owners there unless i am armed. The dogs know me, but you never know if one of them is having a bad day. It is better to have a piece and not need it, than to need it and not have it.

Home Depot

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.



At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.



When Walt was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"



Walt replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."



"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.



Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it. From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"



Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."



This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

How stupid can we be?

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would like to visit Ground Zero when he comes to New York on Monday for opening session of the United Nations. I have to call bullshit here. Iran is on the US list for state sponsors of terror and in my opinion he should "taken out", not taken to Ground Zero.

Can you imagine what would be said back in Iran? He would promote how he "stood with the infidel on their sacred ground" and how weak we are. Geez, this guy really gives me the red ass.

I think that the US needs to turn him over to the military. Stop playing like we like him. He is trying to build a nuclear bomb and his intentions are not good. He is openly against the US and he is a trouble maker.

Damn, now i am just ticked off. Later.

20 September 2007

Why men don't write advice columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Lusk


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

16 September 2007

Sniper II, the saga continues

The wife decided she wanted to drag out the patio furniture and clean it. I go to the shed and drag it out. She goes out and gives it a good fall cleaning. She comes in and says "Watch for the squirrels. I have to leave the chairs out there to dry."

Lucky for me that while sitting here at the computer i can look outside and watch for squirrels. Now i am sitting here working away on a protocol and low and behold i see two stinkin squirrels run across the fence, jump on the shed and head up the tree. I can't believe my eyes. It would appear that Patio Furniture is like crack cocaine to squirrels.

The wife looks out the window and spot the squirrels. I have done slipped out and grabbed my .22 rifle from the safe. I snuck around the house and was watching one of the squirrels. I draw a bead and Pop, the squirrel drops. My wife starts bitching at me again. She said " I wanted you to scare them", I replied, " The other one looks scared to me"

Once again this was not the right answer. One of these days, she will realize that i am not the person to complain to.

A new Suit of clothes

The other day i go down to the Men's Warehouse to buy a new suit. I decided to spend a little more and buy something on the top end of the scale. I picked out a nice charcoal grey pinstripe and walked out with a new suit. I am trying to look as good as my cousin, Pimpage. I stopped just short of the black suede shoes.

So i am watching TV today and watching some old movies. I noticed that everyone back then wore a suit. The only people not wearing one are the farmers and they wear one on Sundays. This got me to thinking why it isn't like that any more. I was reading a study the other day and according to this study, companies who require business dress have more productivity than casual dress. Most companies have a casual Friday and this is the lease productive day of the week. Why is this? Why does the better schools require coat and tie and their students graduate with a much better education? I am not talking about college or prep schools, but this applies to parochial schools. I noticed when my nephew who is 10 switched from Catholic school to public school, his grades plummeted along with his attire.

I have seen this casual attitude drift into everything. It has become the battle cry of the middle class. Back in the day you would walk into a restaurant and see men in suits and women in dresses. Now you people wearing spandex and Velcro and bellied up to the buffet. I wonder of this could be a part of the decline of our society?

I have seen this casual attitude now drift in Church. I saw some people wearing shorts and flip flops today at Mass. Our Priest doesn't like this dress code and about twice a year he talks about it. Why should we have to tell people to wear their best when they go to church? Didn't their parents teach them this?

This casual attitude will slowly creep into all parts of our society and pretty soon emergencies will be a thing of the past. Look at it now, you have an Urgent Care facility taking the place of the Emergency room. Remember the 80's and 90's? Remember when casual sex was the thing? That casual attitude led to AIDS and all types of STD's. What else will this casual attitude effect?

The future is coming but at a laid back casual pace. Those of us who put pride and professionalism ahead of convenience and function at an accelerated rate, will be the new leaders of the future. I look forward to it. We hold ourselves to a higher standard and wish to be judged on our achievements, not the curve.

10 September 2007

Statistics

FACTS TO PONDER:

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this:

Guns:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. Is 80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths
per year, all age groups, is 1,500


(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI


So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers

for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention

07 September 2007

New Mexico Constable

I was running a bit late for a meeting in Carlsbad NM. My saleman and myself are making good time down this two lane, well known, frequesntly traveled road. I was driving my new company truck and was digging on the radio. We were between Hobbs and Carlsbad NM. Not very good reception. My salesman was talking on his cell phone and complaining about reception. Neither of us was really paying attention.

I topped this little hill and hollered SHIT. Salesman about crapped himself and said " What the Freak just happened?"

I say " That was a cop we just passed going the other way and he hit his brakes, I assume to come after me"

Salesman " How fast were you going?"

Me " I don't know, wasn't paying attention"

salesman " What's the speed limit, 65?"

me " Yep"

Salesman " Your going to jail. Hope you have on clean underwear. Bubba don't like nasty bitches"

I slow down and sure enough, there is a NM Constable behind me with his bubble gum machine on. I pull over fully expecting to be arrested. Smokey comes sauntering up to my truck and i have my drivers and concealed handgun license in the ready.

Smokey " You know why i stopped you?" Why do thay always ask this?

Me " Uh, maybe going a little fast"

Smokey " You know how fast you were going?"

Me "Not really"

Smokey " I clocked you at 94 MPH. You know this is a 65MPH zone?"

Me " Damn, why is it 65? Ain't nothing but sage brush and spiders out here. I run off the road and i clean your bar ditch"

Smokey " I clocked the guy ahead of you at 91 MPH"

Me " We was fighting for the pole position" I noticed he kinda looked at me from under the brim of his hat and i saw a slight smile cross his face.

Smokey " Are you carrying", I say " Yes Sir"

" What you got?"

" Sig Saur P220, what you got?"

Smokey " None of your damn business. Where is your firearm?

So we get to talking about guns, concealed carry laws and the such and turns out that Smokey is a pretty nice guy. He let me off with a warning and a promise to slow down. I actually slowed down and went on about my business. I had no idea if he called anyone further down the road and i damn sure wasn't going to take a chance.

22 November 1975


November 22, 1975 while conducting night operations in the Mediterranean Sea, the USS Belknap (CG-26) collides with USS John F Kennedy (CV-67) killing 7 sailors on board the USS Belknap.

You see, the Superstructure, everything above the main deck, was constructed of aliminium on the USS Belknap. When the aluminium melted it ruptured a JP-5, Jet Fuel, line and the JP-5 sprayed down the stack of the boiler. The resulting explosion killed sailors down in the Fire room and Engine room.

I know this because i was stationed on the USS Belknap in 1986 - 1988. We all heard the stories of how the engine room was haunted. I am not a believer of ghost and such, but i will tell you i have seen thing in that engine room that i can not explain. You see the engine room is in the very bottom of the ship. It is as far below as you can go. When you pull into port, they stretch power cables and the ship runs on shore power. The ship shuts down the boilers and all auxiliary equipment and you enter "cold iron" status.

Now all the lube oil, fuel oil and JP-5 are stored in or around the engine room. Since the engine room has a few inches of steel separating the ship from the sea, the engine room will be manned at all times. Usually the lowest ranking pukes on the boat stand cold iron watch. I stood my cold iron watches. Being down in that engine room from midnight to 0400, balls to 4, was a long scary 4 hours. No one there but you and the ghost. I would hear things, see things and be scared shit less. I hated walking around that dang place. Remember the engine room on the USS Belknap was two story's tall, stretched from side to side of the ship and about 40 feet long. Spooky place to be alone.

06 September 2007

Medium

So i am pumping gas at the station and this women drives up to the pump. We are standing there pumping gas and she notices the Logo on my truck. She says" Do you work in the oilfield?" I replied, "No, i play a piano in a marching band and this company sponsors me"

She looks at me like i am crazy and i say " Yes Ma'am, i work in the oilfield. I was only funning" she replies " I used to work in the oilfield"

I say "Really, what do you do now?

She says " I am a Medium"

I say " Really, I am an Extra Large"

I couldn't stop laughing and she must have thought i was a nut job. Goes to show, you just can't trust Oilfield Trash.

05 September 2007

West Texas Service Member and Family Foundation

Most people do not know that i am on the Board of Directors for WTSMFF. It started with a bunch of us former Military types talking to some current Military types while cooking briskets one day. The Active Duty guys were telling us about the hardships associated with the war in Iraq.

I was asked if i would be interested in being on the Board. I didn't think it would get very far so i agreed. We started having informal meetings and eventually walked away with a set of by-laws and a grant application. We applied for the grant and were given $100,000.

Now we have the funding to help and we plan on stretching the $100K till she pops. Thanks to the TRIAD fund of the Permian Basin for making this a possibility.

If you are interested in looking us up, in my link box click on soldiers of Tady and Yesterday (STY). The link for WTSMFF is on the STY page in the upper left corner

West Texas Service Member and Family Foundation (WTSMFF):

We are a subsidiary of Soldiers of Today and Yesterday (STY)

On the 24th of August.2007 we (WTSMFF) were awarded a grant in the amount of $100,000 by the TRIAD Fund of Permian Basin Area Foundation.
This is great news for us and the Permian Basin.
You will be able to here our (PSA's) on the Radio and Television soon .If you are a Servicmember of the Iraq and Afghanistan war veteran or Family member (wife or child)
and need assistance please give us a call.Mob orders or DD-214 to apply.
Johnie Lee Qualls
432-631-3429


Purpose of WTSMFF: Providing Honor, Dignity and Hope to those that have served us through moral and monetary support to the United States Armed Forces deployed in Iraq and Afghanistan and their families back home. Our Foundation supports the Service Members and their families as they deploy, serve and return while serving our Nation. Our focus is on the Service Members and their families needs, as they meet the challenges of Service and Sacrifice. As the Department of Defense does their best to meet the needs of their Service Members, there are many and varied instances where there is a gap in assistance to the Service Member and their families. Our plan is to reach throughout the entire West Texas community; that gives us a unique perspective of the needs and wants of our Service Members and their families as they Sacrifice to Serve.

The planned projects for the Service Members and their families will encompass the entire depolyment cycle of The Service Member and the family. During deployment phase, military families bear many hardships, such as extended family separations, loss of income and benefits, and other needs. These hardships cover the entire deployment cycle and sometimes are exacerbated. The family hardships increase exponentially when the Service Member is injured or dies. Our Foundation has already identified warriors in West Texas who are recovering from combat, and are in need of assistance. Many of the requests for assistance is to have their families near the Service Member while they are recovering from their injuries. There are other requests, but this has been the most frequent. Our cause is just and moral. Our Service Members deserve our respect and our help. We have formed this Foundation to do just that.

Our board members provide a plethora of experience, both military and community, that gives us a unique perspective of the needs and wants of our Service Members and their families as they Sacrifice to Serve.

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.


Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Bro wn) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can
live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because
I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened
to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail
with their hand on the mouse.
Don 't bother taking it off now, it's too late

Love will always end in Heartbreak

When i say that Love will always end in heartbreak, people look at me funny. The fact of the matter is that when two people are in Love, it will end in heartbreak for one of them. One will either Die or move on. Either way it ends in heartbreak. You know the old saying "It's better to have Loved and lost than to never have Loved", that's a true statement. It applies to relationships and animals. Generally we will outlive our pets so our Love for them will end in heartbreak.

So you see, if your going through a rough time with your better half or just turned off on the opposite sex, the heartache you feel now was inevitable. It just may have happened sooner than you expected. If you prescribe to this line of thought, you will understand that you need to Love now because in the end, tears will be shed. Don't deny it or avoid it. Let your heart know the greatest emotion of all. Love.

I hear people say that Life is short so have fun. I disagree. Life is a long and grinding process. You need to be prepared to work for what you want. Many people have told me that things seem to "Happen" for me. Bull. That's just crud. You see, Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity.

We are all born with a clean slate. How we dirty our slate through life is entirely up to us. I made a conscious effort to keep my slate clean. Things don't come easily to me, but when an opportunity arises, i am ready to pounce on it. This is my answer to living a happy life. I am responsible for my actions. I make smart decisions and good things happen. Take accountability for yourself and your life will improve.

03 September 2007

Contrast

My wife is a women of contrast. I'll give you an example. She noticed that a squirrel was pulling the stuffing out of our patio furniture. She asked me why the squirrel was doing this. I reply "To build it's nest" She said she didn't care about the squirrel's nest and she wanted the squirrel to stop. Here is where the problem began.

Now like all men, women pay attention, we are problem solvers. Don't come to us with an issue if you are not looking for a solution. That's how we work. It is en grained into our DNA. If your looking to just Bitch and Whine, call your girlfriend. You present the problem to us, we are going to solve it.

Problem: a squirrel is pulling stuffing out of patio furniture and upsetting wife. Wife is pissed off and bending my ear about it.
Solution: stop squirrel from stealing stuffing so i can enjoy my beer drinking in peace.

Work Scope: since i have had extensive training in Root Cause Analysis, i decided to approach this issue in the same way you would approach an incident. My belief is that if the problem doesn't go back to a Management System Failure, you have not gone back far enough. I drew it up and decided that if I could not convince the squirrel that pulling the stuffing out of the patio furniture was a deviation from SOP, Standard Operating Procedure, then the position of squirrel would have to be eliminated. The negations failed!!

I made a management decision. The easiest way to solve this problem was to remove the squirrel from the equation. Yes i know it is a Mafia approach, but it works.

Present Day: I am chilling on the front porch enjoying a refrigerated adult beverage when said squirrel makes an appearance. I make my way ever so quietly into the house and open the safe. I grab my .22 LR and load a short into it. I sneak into the front yard and the squirrel in question is chilling out on a limb looking at me. I notice that there are kids playing down the street and decide to wait. Squirrel is sitting there on the limb mocking me. I swear i saw her stick her tongue out at me. I wait. The kids leave and i zero in on her. One Shot, One Kill. I am in city limits.

You hear stories about how for some people time slows down to a crawl in tense situations. Not me. I call it muscle memory. I have shot long distance and bulls eye for so long that i can not remember what i am thinking about 30 seconds before i take the shot. I have no recollection.

The crashing sound of falling squirrel wakes me up. I see her drop right where i had planned. Just like the Lumberjack who knows where the tree will fall, I predicted exactly where the squirrel would fall.

One shot into the head. With the shorts, the bullet will not exit. Perfect Kill.
I walk into the house and proudly announce that the squirrel problem has been eliminated. I show the wife the dead squirrel and she freaks out.

Now from my point of view, her problem is solved. From her point of view i am a Caveman with no refinement. I don't understand. She is bitching me out about animal cruelty and such. I interrupt her and proudly exclaim that it was one bullet and nothing cruel took place. Apparently that was not the appropriate argument to make at the time. I am not sure what i did wrong but apparently a gun is not the answer she was looking for.

In the future she can deal with her own damn squirrel problems.

Movie Reviews

Blades of Glory - A will Ferrell classic. That kid from Napoleon Dynamite wasn't very good but a decent movie.

I Think I Love My wife - Chris Rock does OK. Some serious Hotties in this movie. The question for you is, Would you have cheated?

Snakes on Plane - To unbelievable. You can't make snakes that aggressive i don't believe.

01 September 2007

Gun Safe

Daddy is the new owner of a Winchester 24 gun electronic safe. It is beautiful. I was looking for one and Sam's had this one for $598. It sales for $903 online. I think i got a good deal. Head over to Sam's if your looking for one. Later.