02 June 2011
Weight update
Since i have started my new lifestyle, i have lost 105 pounds. I started at 347 and got down to 242. i flucuate between 245 and 250. I have manged to keep it off for over a year so i think i got it beat. I haven't decided if i want to lose any more or not.
Can't stay out of trouble
Last Sunday, my wife's family had a little get together. Some of the family was in from Alaska so they all decided to have a pot luck gathering. I must say that this family can cook. It is worth going to just to eat!!
As usual, i only know the family that lives local so my Father-n-Law was introducing me to the family that i have never met. I learned that i have several titles according to FIL. I was introduced as "That no account son in law, my coonass son in law, and that guy my daughter drug home". Nice to know you're loved ain't it.
Well, my wife introduces me to cousin "skinny" (real names have been changed to protect the innocent). It seems that cousin skinny is an anorexic. I have never met one before.
A few hours later i was sitting alone and i started giggling. My wife and FIL come up and asked me what was so funny. I said "I'm gonna go up to cousin skinny and tell her that her ass is getting big"
From that point on i was not left alone. It seems that not everyone shares my sense of humor.
As usual, i only know the family that lives local so my Father-n-Law was introducing me to the family that i have never met. I learned that i have several titles according to FIL. I was introduced as "That no account son in law, my coonass son in law, and that guy my daughter drug home". Nice to know you're loved ain't it.
Well, my wife introduces me to cousin "skinny" (real names have been changed to protect the innocent). It seems that cousin skinny is an anorexic. I have never met one before.
A few hours later i was sitting alone and i started giggling. My wife and FIL come up and asked me what was so funny. I said "I'm gonna go up to cousin skinny and tell her that her ass is getting big"
From that point on i was not left alone. It seems that not everyone shares my sense of humor.
26 April 2011
F 350 Super Duty Dually
I cannot say enough good about my F-350. It is a 2002 model with the 7.3 liter diesel. Its pulling capability is AWESOME!!!!!!
The other day, i took possession of a 16', 20,000 pound rated dump trailer. Mt neighbor, James, has a hook up at the caliche pit. We were able to get it for $5 per ton. The caliche pit is 25 miles from the house so i figured i wanted to haul the maximum on each load. Makes sense, right?
We get there and weigh in. 14,700 for the truck and trailer. We pull over to get loaded and i assumed, incorrectly, that the loader had a 10 yard bucket. He dumped a heaping bucket in the trailer and i signaled to dump another bucket. He did.
When we went to leave, we had to go up about a 4 degree incline. I noticed that my truck was struggling. After i make it up the incline, we head to the scales. Side note, the person working the scale house, this was her first day. As we pulled on the scale, she told us we weighed 52,500 pounds. James and I looked at each other and said no way, that isn't possible. My wife asked me why i thought it was wrong and i told her that this truck couldn't move 52,000 pounds, the trailer is rated for 20,000 pounds and the hitch is rated for 30,000 pounds.
I get the load up to 50 MPH and James said to hold her steady at that speed. As we are driving along we hear a loud BOOM. My wife about come undone. We pull over and sure enough, we blew a tire. We are about 10 miles from the house so we limp along at 25 MPH hoping to make it home. About 2 miles down the road and BOOM. There goes another tire. This trailer is tandem wheeled, tandem axles. Both tires on one axle blew.
We call the tire place and they send someone out. He pulls up and throws is 10 ton jack under the axle. It will not lift it. He gets his 20 ton jack and it will not lift it. He looks at James and i and we just divert our eyes. Finally both jacks lift the axle and he is able to change the tires.
$340 dollars later and about 1.5 hours, we are making our way home, very slowly. During this time, we are beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, that scale was right.
When i get the load home, the dump bed will not budge. We have to use the tractor to unload what we can and we have to shovel the rest. After shoveling about half the load, the dump bed is able to raise up. 5 hours after we left home, we have the trailer emptied.
Our next two trips, we had the loader only load about 3/4 of a bucket and that gave us a total weight of 32,000 pounds.
What impressed me is that i have had my truck weighed and i know it weighs 8,000 pounds. That means that i had 44,500 pounds of trailer and caliche that i managed to pull. If that doesn't impress you, nothing will.
Could you imagine what would have happened if a cop had shown up? I can't even begin to imagine how many citations i would have received.
After all was said and done, i had 5 loads of caliche in my driveway and James had two. I figure i need about 15 more loads to finish my whole driveway.
On a good note, the tractor i bought worked fine. I picked up a Ford 600 series with a loader and shredder. The loader has a 3 foot bucket but that is about all the tractor could handle anyway. I got the tractor for a steal because the hydraulic rams on the loader was leaking. My other neighbor works for a hydraulic company so as of right now, the rams are torn apart and new seals should be in today. The tractor will be operational tonight at a cost of about $40.
The other day, i took possession of a 16', 20,000 pound rated dump trailer. Mt neighbor, James, has a hook up at the caliche pit. We were able to get it for $5 per ton. The caliche pit is 25 miles from the house so i figured i wanted to haul the maximum on each load. Makes sense, right?
We get there and weigh in. 14,700 for the truck and trailer. We pull over to get loaded and i assumed, incorrectly, that the loader had a 10 yard bucket. He dumped a heaping bucket in the trailer and i signaled to dump another bucket. He did.
When we went to leave, we had to go up about a 4 degree incline. I noticed that my truck was struggling. After i make it up the incline, we head to the scales. Side note, the person working the scale house, this was her first day. As we pulled on the scale, she told us we weighed 52,500 pounds. James and I looked at each other and said no way, that isn't possible. My wife asked me why i thought it was wrong and i told her that this truck couldn't move 52,000 pounds, the trailer is rated for 20,000 pounds and the hitch is rated for 30,000 pounds.
I get the load up to 50 MPH and James said to hold her steady at that speed. As we are driving along we hear a loud BOOM. My wife about come undone. We pull over and sure enough, we blew a tire. We are about 10 miles from the house so we limp along at 25 MPH hoping to make it home. About 2 miles down the road and BOOM. There goes another tire. This trailer is tandem wheeled, tandem axles. Both tires on one axle blew.
We call the tire place and they send someone out. He pulls up and throws is 10 ton jack under the axle. It will not lift it. He gets his 20 ton jack and it will not lift it. He looks at James and i and we just divert our eyes. Finally both jacks lift the axle and he is able to change the tires.
$340 dollars later and about 1.5 hours, we are making our way home, very slowly. During this time, we are beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, that scale was right.
When i get the load home, the dump bed will not budge. We have to use the tractor to unload what we can and we have to shovel the rest. After shoveling about half the load, the dump bed is able to raise up. 5 hours after we left home, we have the trailer emptied.
Our next two trips, we had the loader only load about 3/4 of a bucket and that gave us a total weight of 32,000 pounds.
What impressed me is that i have had my truck weighed and i know it weighs 8,000 pounds. That means that i had 44,500 pounds of trailer and caliche that i managed to pull. If that doesn't impress you, nothing will.
Could you imagine what would have happened if a cop had shown up? I can't even begin to imagine how many citations i would have received.
After all was said and done, i had 5 loads of caliche in my driveway and James had two. I figure i need about 15 more loads to finish my whole driveway.
On a good note, the tractor i bought worked fine. I picked up a Ford 600 series with a loader and shredder. The loader has a 3 foot bucket but that is about all the tractor could handle anyway. I got the tractor for a steal because the hydraulic rams on the loader was leaking. My other neighbor works for a hydraulic company so as of right now, the rams are torn apart and new seals should be in today. The tractor will be operational tonight at a cost of about $40.
10 March 2011
Old Ironsides
The U. S. S.. Constitution (Old Ironsides), as a combat vessel, carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (i.e. fresh water distillers).
However, let it be noted that according to her ship’s log, “On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum.”
Her mission: “To destroy and harass English shipping.”Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.
Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.
On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.
By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.
The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whiskey, and 38,600 gallons of water.
GO NAVY
However, let it be noted that according to her ship’s log, “On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum.”
Her mission: “To destroy and harass English shipping.”Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.
Then she headed for the Azores , arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.
On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships, salvaging only the rum aboard each.
By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whiskey distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.
The U. S. S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whiskey, and 38,600 gallons of water.
GO NAVY
09 February 2011
Paraprosdokians
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of asentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes thereader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It isfrequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing ananticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians andsatirists.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way, so Istole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standingin a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong. (I have to remember this one)
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it ina fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and thenproceed to tell you why it isn’t.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many isresearch.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a trainstops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they cantrain people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that youdon’t need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In anemergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billionstars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and50 for Miss America ?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute toskydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a waythat you will look forward to the trip.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devouredby a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and ashot of tequila.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever youhit the target.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it aswhen you are in it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way, so Istole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standingin a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong. (I have to remember this one)
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it ina fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and thenproceed to tell you why it isn’t.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many isresearch.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a trainstops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they cantrain people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that youdon’t need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In anemergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billionstars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and50 for Miss America ?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute toskydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a waythat you will look forward to the trip.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devouredby a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and ashot of tequila.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever youhit the target.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it aswhen you are in it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
07 February 2011
I have joined the ranks of the terminally stupid
Yep, i have become one of the people i have always said were too stupid to procreate. Every month at work we get a list of accidents that happened. We have dubbed that list the Darwin awards. People who do really stupid shit and get themselves hurt. Unfortunately, I have become one of those idiots, although at home, not at work.
Here is how the story goes. My daughter in law has been after me to adopt a dog. Since we got 4 acres, we have plenty of room. Finally i told her that if she found a Catahoula for adoption, i would adopt it. I figured the chances were slim and none of finding a Catahoula in West Texas.
Sure enough, she finds one. I was actually in Amarillo when she found him so she adopted him for me. I was to take ownership when i got home. According to adoption rules, she had to take the dog to the vet within 48 hours. While at the vet she called me and asked what i was going to name him. I had to name a dog i haven't seen. I decided to go with his heritage and named him Feet Pue Tan (Fee boo tan). I thought it was funny.
So here i am with a Catahoula, a big yard and no dog house. I put something together for him but it wasn't very good. As you know, we had temperatures in the single digits last week. I decided that on Saturday i was going to build a dog condo for my new best friend. We call him Beaux for short.
I enlist the oldest boy to help me out. We decided to build his condo in the old water well shed. The shed is constructed of cement board so it will keep the wind and moisture of the condo. $211 later, i have all the supplies i need to have a dog house with a living room and a bedroom and the entire condo will be heated along with a heated bed for him.
The condo currently has two rooms but one of them will be the sleeping quarters for the second dog i plan to get.
Anyway, we build a floor out of treated lumber and start building the walls. We insulate the walls with R-30 insulation and seal all cracks. Everything is going good until i accidentally put some 3" nails in the pneumatic air gun.
As i am building the roof, the air nailer jams up. I must add that i was already pissed off at this point. Beaux, the smart ass that he is, decided to make a run for it when i had the gate open. I had to chase his ass down on a UTV to catch him, not once but twice. I was plenty steamed when the air nailer jammed up.
I was jiggling the safety device and messing with the trigger when BAM, the nailer went off and i felt a sharp pain in my index finger. I look down and there is a 3" nail shot through my glove and index finger. I just starred at it with disbelief.
I walked out of the shed and oldest boy looked at it and thought i was joking around. When he realized i was serious, he looks at me and says "Damn, you want to go to the hospital?"
I said "No, I just need to pull it out".
Let me tell you all right now that pulling the nail out hurt a lot more than it did going in.
As with all puncture wounds, once the nail was removed, the bleeding began. After i got the bleeding under control and the wound bandaged, i finished up the condo. I liberally applied pain medication in the liquid form and hopefully there will be no infection.
So because i was mad, in a hurry, and not paying attention, I get a nail through the finger. Just goes to show that we need to keep our focus no matter what we are doing or where we are doing it.
Here is how the story goes. My daughter in law has been after me to adopt a dog. Since we got 4 acres, we have plenty of room. Finally i told her that if she found a Catahoula for adoption, i would adopt it. I figured the chances were slim and none of finding a Catahoula in West Texas.
Sure enough, she finds one. I was actually in Amarillo when she found him so she adopted him for me. I was to take ownership when i got home. According to adoption rules, she had to take the dog to the vet within 48 hours. While at the vet she called me and asked what i was going to name him. I had to name a dog i haven't seen. I decided to go with his heritage and named him Feet Pue Tan (Fee boo tan). I thought it was funny.
So here i am with a Catahoula, a big yard and no dog house. I put something together for him but it wasn't very good. As you know, we had temperatures in the single digits last week. I decided that on Saturday i was going to build a dog condo for my new best friend. We call him Beaux for short.
I enlist the oldest boy to help me out. We decided to build his condo in the old water well shed. The shed is constructed of cement board so it will keep the wind and moisture of the condo. $211 later, i have all the supplies i need to have a dog house with a living room and a bedroom and the entire condo will be heated along with a heated bed for him.
The condo currently has two rooms but one of them will be the sleeping quarters for the second dog i plan to get.
Anyway, we build a floor out of treated lumber and start building the walls. We insulate the walls with R-30 insulation and seal all cracks. Everything is going good until i accidentally put some 3" nails in the pneumatic air gun.
As i am building the roof, the air nailer jams up. I must add that i was already pissed off at this point. Beaux, the smart ass that he is, decided to make a run for it when i had the gate open. I had to chase his ass down on a UTV to catch him, not once but twice. I was plenty steamed when the air nailer jammed up.
I was jiggling the safety device and messing with the trigger when BAM, the nailer went off and i felt a sharp pain in my index finger. I look down and there is a 3" nail shot through my glove and index finger. I just starred at it with disbelief.
I walked out of the shed and oldest boy looked at it and thought i was joking around. When he realized i was serious, he looks at me and says "Damn, you want to go to the hospital?"
I said "No, I just need to pull it out".
Let me tell you all right now that pulling the nail out hurt a lot more than it did going in.
As with all puncture wounds, once the nail was removed, the bleeding began. After i got the bleeding under control and the wound bandaged, i finished up the condo. I liberally applied pain medication in the liquid form and hopefully there will be no infection.
So because i was mad, in a hurry, and not paying attention, I get a nail through the finger. Just goes to show that we need to keep our focus no matter what we are doing or where we are doing it.
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