28 May 2008

Funny as hell

Why don't Mexicans play UNO?

They keep stealing the Green Cards.

27 May 2008

The Lord's Prayer, salvation or condemnation?

Now before anyone gets the wrong idea, i am not being sacrilegious. Just another way to look at it.

We had a visiting priest come to our church for a week. His name is Father McCaffe. He was awesome. I had a chance to talk with him in a semi-private setting. Naturally i was interested in our personal judgement when we die.

Most Protestants believe in the "Once Saved, Always Saved" mentality. Catholics believe that you only get into heaven through Faith and Works. in other words, you have to be a believer and put those beliefs into action.

So Father McCaffe (FM) and I were talking. The conversation went something like this:

So, FM how do you think we are judged when we die?

(FM) Well Ray, tell me how you envision your judgement at the time of your death.

(ME) OK FM, although no one really knows, i think i will stand face to face with Jesus and we will discuss the good and the bad that i have done in my life.

(FM) A lot of people believe just as you do. You are correct that no one knows but let me give you a little food for thought. Do you Ray, believe that with God, all things are possible?

(ME) Of course, all you have to do is look around and see that. He left His fingerprints on every living thing.

(FM) Your right. Now imagine this. At the exact moment of your death, you are transformed to another dimension so to speak, and there is the person whom you despise most in your life. That person needs your help for whatever it is. (For example, you despise someone who stole from you. This person is hungry and you can buy him or her a meal. Something along those lines). Now you do not know that you are actually dead. You have to make a decision. What would happen if you decided not to help that person. What would be the repercussions if that was your judgement?

(ME) I had this dumb look on my face. FM could tell that he lost me. So i said "What makes you think that would happen on our judgement?

(FM) Ray, can you recite the Lord's Prayer? IF you can, recite it to me

(ME) Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on Earth as it is Heaven. Give us this day, our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us...

(FM) Stop. You are asking God to forgive you as you forgive others. If you are not willing to forgive, then you are asking God not to forgive you. Hence the test. That is why it is dangerous to live with hate in your heart.

After a lengthy discussion, FM said that no one knows what happens upon our death. But if his scenario was to play out, having hate in our heart is a bad thing. This is why we must forgive people and learn to love our fellow man.

So now when i pray the Lord's prayer, it makes me stop and think about who i still hold a grudge against. Then i start thinking about all the people who may hold a grudge against me. I have done some mean things to people that i am truly sorry for. I have to live with that and the possibility that on someones final judgement, i have created hate in their heart. When the whole of this concept settled on me, it hit me hard. I feel bad about some of the things i have done and said to people. I wonder sometimes if i should contact them and try to make amends like in a 12 step program. I just don't know.....

23 May 2008

Funny as hell

Needs a little grille work.

The truth usually hurts, but hey, it is the truth.

Sometimes, you just have to let the world know how you feel. Buddy, get used to asking "Do you want frys with that?"

I am sure my Brother will get a kick out of this one.

Interesting but useless facts

1. Hitler and Napoleon both had only one testicle.

2. In America you will see an average of 500 advertisements a day.

3. It's illegal in Newcastle, WY to have sex in a butcher shop's meat freezer.

4. In ancient Rome, when a man testified in court he would swear on his testicles.

5. Jaguars are frightened by dogs.

6. Holland has the densest population per square mile of any nation in the world.

7. In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone's ear while they are moose hunting.

8. It takes about 48 hours for your body to completely digest the food from one meal.

9. It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.

10. Honey is the only food that doesn't spoil.

11. Human tapeworms can grow up to 22.9m.

12. It's been estimated that one out of every two hundred women is born with an extra nipple.

13. In Atlanta, GA, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.

14. Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.

15. It takes 17 muscles to smile and 43 to frown.

16. In Britain, failed suicides were hanged in the 19th century.

17. If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, Nebraska his or her parents may be arrested.

18. It takes a lobster approximately seven years to grow to be one pound.

19. In a lifetime the average US resident eats more than 50 tons of food and drinks more than 13,000 gallons of liquid.

20. In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

21. Hamsters blink one eye at a time.

22. If a person has two thirds of their liver removed through trauma or surgery, it will grow back to the original size in four weeks time.

23. Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

24. In Arkansas it is illegal to buy or sell blue lightbulbs.

25. If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal humans neck.

26. Hondas and Toyotas are the most frequently stolen passenger cars because they have parts that can be readily exchanged between model years without a problem.

27. In 1386, a pig was executed by public hanging for the murder of a child.

28. Humans are the only animals that use a smile as an emotional response.

29. When a small amount of liquor were placed on a scorpion, it would instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

30. Homosexuality remained on the American Psychiatric Association's list of mental illnesses until 1973.

My two favorite things

I have to tell you that this here is a women after my heart. My two favorite things, boobs and bacon. Damn, i could stay busy for hours.

Take her out camping and make her stand next to the fire? Hot sizziling bacon grease titties. Whooo Hooo

The beauty forgotten

I was awake about 0400 this morning. I was lying there with nothing better to do and the news was just beating a dead horse about Obama. I decided i would hit the town and go to this little dive diner i know for breakfast. It was just before 0600. You know the twilight time. The sunrise was an hour out, it was 70 degrees, a purple hue was coming across the western sky.

I was driving around downtown Odessa and i had to stop. I had to stop to take it all in. To look around and realize what i was looking at. It was simply beautiful.

Odessa is a blue collar oilfield town. Everyone who works the oil patch has early starting days. We have already been over 100 degrees this week. Most oil patchers start their day about 0500 and by 1400 their 8 is in.

0600 and everyone who is out and about are oil patchers. The retail shops are closed but all the oil field shops are open. Supply houses, service companies, the people out are those working stiffs. The people who are a drain on society are just going to bed. I would venture that there is no crime rate at this hour.

I wasn't paying attention and i passed a cop. I looked down and i was going 50 downtown. The cop just waved. I think he was enjoying the morning as much as i was.

A desert sunrise is a beautiful thing to behold. It is dry and arid. 70 degrees here is very cool. I enjoyed a lazy breakfast and strolled on in to work. I have a feeling it will be a good day.

20 May 2008

Morality issues

Today i am in a weird mood. Today marks 4 months since i lost Ruth. The experience has been agonizing and left me without answers several times. I do look at things from a different perspective now.

In the 11 years we were together, Ruth experienced both sides of me. When we met i was wild and carefree. My Dad figured i would end up knifed or shot in some bar. During our 11 years, my Godson helped put me back on the path to Catholicism. Well, my Parents and other family members praying helped a lot also.

I am not the same person i was 11 years ago. Ruth helped to forge my beliefs and Morality and also helped guide me in the right direction. I have the feeling that she did all this for some reason. I have often said i would not want to be single in today's world and now look at me.

Being single isn't that bad or hard. Being Catholic is easy. Being Catholic and single is another story. For many years i have talked to people about doing the right thing and living a good life. Now it's my turn to live what i have been preaching. It is not easy. I believe that this is what Ruth helped to forge in me. Some day i would be called to put up or shut up. I will put up.

I am true to my beliefs and i try to live a good life. I am not a righteous man nor am i worthy. I am a believer who needs help with his un-beliefs. I will not go out of my way to go to a casino, but if i find myself in one i will partake of rolling the bones. I do not think it is sinful as it does not control me. I like beer and i drink when the mood strikes. It does not control me so i think i am OK. I try not to judge but sometimes its hard not to. I try to treat everyone as i wish to be treated, except telemarketers.

You may be asking why i am saying all this. I don't know. It is what i feel like typing. Every decision we make is based on historical facts that we know. If you have been burnt by fire, you decide not to touch the fire because you know it hurts. I try to remember this when someone makes a decision i think is, wrong. We do not know what drives other people. We need to walk that mile in their shoes before we pass judgement. Remember this when you look at me and ask yourself, why did he do that. I say all this to pose two scenarios to you. I solicit your responses.

A person goes to the doctor. The doctor tells them that they have Diabetes, Respiratory distress, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and an enlarged heart. All of this is preventable and manageable with diet, exercise, stop smoking and take these pills.
The person is given prescriptions and has them filled, but they sit on the table untouched. Without the meds, death is imminent. The person decides they would rather be dead than have to take pills for the rest of their life. What is the morality of that decision?

2ND scenario, a guy is driving around checking pump jacks. He comes upon 3 vehicles kind of in a circle. There is a couple of dead bodies laying around. They are in the middle of no where. He checks the vehicles and finds a guy still alive in one of the trucks. This guy is shot and bleeding badly. The guy gets back in his truck and drives away thinking it isn't none of his business. What is the morality of that decision?

The two scenarios are different yet tied together. One is about letting ones life pass and the 2nd is about letting anothers life pass. Is it Ok to control your destiny and not someone elses?

19 May 2008


What is a Yankee?

Same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

About 45 pounds.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

It's not hard.

What is the difference between purple and pink?

The grip.

How do texans practice safe sex?

They spray paint an X on the backs of the sheep that kick.

What is the difference between a golf ball and a G-Spot?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

The homie and 17 briquets

My buddy Rohmie the Homie called me the other nights and asked what i was doing. I told him nothing, just planning on grilling and watching a flick. I had to run some errands and i would give him a call and see if we meet later.

I take care of my errands, call Rohmie the Homie and he says he will come over, we will cookout and watch a flick. I am sitting there when i smell charcoal and hear a knock on the door. In walks Rohmie the Homie and we are chatting. He said he had already lit his pit so he brought it with him.

Let me interject a little history here. I want to talk about people who are cheap. I have seen some of the cheapest people in the world. I have always said that copper wire was invented with my Dad and Uncle fighting over a penny. My Dad and Uncle would be considered big spenders compared to my Brother. My Brother has actually requested change for a quarter to leave a tip. Tight, just plain tight. Rohmie the Homie ranks up there with my Brother.

Rohmie the Homie didn't want to waste his charcoal so he brought the pit with him. I say no problem, let me get my steak and we will throw them on the pit. Well, i couldn't. You see, Rohmie the Homie only had 17 briquet's in the pit. Yes, 17. I counted them. He would put his steak over the briquettes and when it was almost cooked, he would move the steak to the side and place the sausage over the 17 briquettes. As he was explaining this to me, i almost pissed myself from laughing.

I am what some would call frugal, but i would never count out 17 briquettes for a BBQ pit. That is just plain damn cheap.

15 May 2008

He's back

Ricky has decided that he is tired of leaving ignorant rantings on other peoples blog pages so he started his own. Go by and rip him a new ass and explain to the derelict that it is welcome back Kotter, not carter.

14 May 2008

CNN is a Fuc**** joke

Last night i was laying around the hotel and accidentally put on CNN. They had a Breaking News banner on the screen. I wanted to know what was so important.

"Breaking News" Clinton takes West Virginia. No shit? What are the odds?

I used to live in West by God Virginia. I know those inbreds. You could run a white gay liberal who wants to bring back Prohibition and they would NOT vote for a Black Man. And CNN acts like it is something the world didn't know. How stupid can CNN be?

Since i am talking about WV, what do you call 5 West by God Virginia women in the same room?

A full set of teeth.

How do you circumsize a West Virgina man?

Kick his sister in the mouth!!!

09 May 2008

Pissed off another telemarketer

Last night i decided i was going to BBQ some catfish. I am standing at the sink cleaning the fish and the phone rings:

"Howdy doody tutty fruity"

"This is Glen with AT&T and we can save you hundreds annually on your telephone calls. Do you think this is something you would be interested in?"

"Absolutely Glen, saving money is one of my favorite things to do. Tell you what, i have my friend on the other line, let me switch over and get rid of him and then we can talk about your service. By the way, do you offer call waiting?

"Yes sir, call waiting and many other features for no cost"

"OK, hold on and i will be right back"

Now at this point you have many options. Poor Glen thinks he is about to make a sale. You can put the phone and walk away and leave him hanging on to see how long he will wait. I decided to go another route. Here is what i like to do.

Press one of the number buttons on the phone. It will sound to Glen like you are transferring your call waiting. Now for some fun.

"Hey Frank, i have to go. I got some fucknuts from AT&T trying to sell me some shit on the other line. Why can't these losers get a real job? I don't know if his mama didn't breast feed him enough or if she did it too much. He sounds like his daddy dick fed him with that lisp of his. I have to talk slowly because apparently he has a monosyllabic vocabulary. I'll call you back when i am done with this nut hugger"

Now press another button and address Glen

"Ok Glen, what have you got?"

"Sir, i really don't appreciate that......." click

"Glen, Glen, i really want some AT&T, Glen, you there?"

*gigglesnort* they are too easy.

07 May 2008

How to save the airline industry

Dump the male flight attendants.
No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with
good-looking strippers! What the hell --
They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money! I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lapdances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the air line industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Bill Clinton

06 May 2008

Fun with telemarketers

Telemarketers are the most aggravating people in the world. I have learned that telemarketers are an excellent way to hone and sharpen your communication skills. What pisses me off is when you ask them not to call you and they continue to call back.

What i do is ask for a number i can call them back on. i do this for all the ones that repeatedly call me. Sometimes the number in the caller id is valid and sometimes it isn't. if they give me a number, they have made a huge mistake. For example:

ring ring, ring ring

"Yellow, big papa sweet, the real white meat here"

"Yes sir, we are looking for Mr. Ray, is he in?"

"This is he, waz up?"

"I am with Country wide mortgage and we can lower your mortgage payments by 15%"

"I am in the middle of something here, can i get a number to call you back in about 5 minutes?"

"Yes sir, call blah blah blah and ask for Denise"

I wait a few minutes, have a beer and wait for the TV program to go into commercial. I call the number she gave me and some person answers the phone. It goes like this:

"My name is Ray, you people call me every night at the same time. I have repeatedly asked you to remove me from your call list. I want you to write my phone number down. It is blah blah blah"

"Sir, i don't understand why you want me to write your phone number down, i can transfer you to our department to have your name removed from our calling list"

"No lady, your going to personally walk that piece of paper with my number on it down to this so called department and have them remove my number tonight."

"Sir, i can not leave the switch board to go anywhere"

"That's fine. When i hang up from you, i am going to my fax machine and set the redial for 12 times. I will then dial your number on my fax. The fax will continue to redial your number making your evening a living hell. After 12 times i will start this process all over again until i go to bed, pass out drunk or run out of beer. If for some reason your dumb ass callers call again tomorrow, we do it all over again. You have my number and you can call me when my name is off the list. Have a great day and the fun starts now"

being the person that i am, i did as promised. Every time she answered she got that loud ringing. I was laughing my ass off. About 3 cycles into it, i get a call from a supervisor promising me that my name was removed from their call list. I haven't heard from them again.

05 May 2008

The hard way

This weekend was the Knights of Columbus convention in Dallas TX. Me and 4 other brother Knights loaded up Friday after Mass and drove my new dually to Dallas for the convention. I know taking a 1 ton dually is not the most economical vehicle but it is big enough to seat 4 comfortably and carry all the luggage.

I made sure the tanks were full before we left. We stopped at Manuel's for breakfast burritos and off we went. When we pulled into the hotel i had burned a little more than a half a tank of diesel.

We attended the Awards Banquet that evening and i was awarded my first Knights of Columbus ring. The ring was awarded to the top 5 Grand Knights in the State of Texas for council growth. After the awards we hit the hospitality suites. It was a great time.

This was my third year going to convention. I renewed friendships with brothers i had met previously and just enjoyed being there. We had a new guy with us so we had fun teaching him the finer points of convention etiquette.

Sunday morning at 1130 we head out for home. We are coming into Abilene and i told the guys we had about 1/8 th tank of fuel and i had to stop for diesel. We were commenting on how far we went on a tank of fuel when it sounded like the motor freaked out. It was clattering and clanking and sounded like it was running on a few cylinders. All power was lost and we coasted down the exit ramp to a Fina station. We had to push that big bastard to the fuel pumps. After about 10 gallons of diesel i start it up. I thought the motor was going to blow. It sounded like crap, wouldn't idle and it looked as if it was going to jump out from under the hood.

I put 41 gallons of diesel in that sucker. i apparently sucked the tank bone dry. After trying to make it run right we decided it was just air in the system so we loaded up and took off down the road. About 5 miles down the road the engine worked the air out and it was back to running perfectly.

I pulled up at the house at 1800. Does anyone know how to bleed the fuel system on a Power stroke should this happen again? Obviously the fuel gage is a little off so I don't plan on running that truck below a half tank ever again.

01 May 2008

Cinco de mayo

Most people don't know that in 1912 Hellman's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. Thus each year, May 5th is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

WHAT?? You expected something educational from me?