31 August 2009

Too funny

To bad it's true

Look at the book he is readingl, WTF?


It's official, we are all morons

The U.S. Postal Service was established in 1775 – you have had 234 years to get it right; it is broke.

Social Security was established in 1935 – you have had 74 years to get it right; it is broke.

Fannie Mae was established in 1938 – you have had 71 years to get it right; it is broke..

War on Poverty started in 1964 – you have had 45 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our money is confiscated each year and transferred to “the poor”; it hasn’t worked.

Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965 – you’ve had 44 years to get it right; they’re broke

Freddie Mac was established in 1970 – you have had 39 years to get it right; it is broke

Trillions of dollars in the massive political payoff called the TARP bill of 2009 shows NO sign of working.

And finally to set a new record:
“Cash for Clunkers” was established in 2009 and went broke in 2009! It took good dependable cars (that were the best some people could afford) replaced them with high priced (people who couldn’t afford to are now making payments) mostly Japanese models so a good percentage of the profits from the sales went out of the country. And lastly, the American taxpayers are now going to be dinged with paying for yet 3 billion more dollars of our governments experiments to make our wallets even thinner.

So with a perfect 100% failure rate and a record that proves that “services” you shove down our throats are failing faster and faster, you want Americans to believe you can be trusted with a government-run health care system? 15% of our economy? Are you crazy?

Truly, the inmates are running the asylum! And what does this say about voters who put such pond scum in office? It takes a village of morons to elect morons.

Maybe we need to let others in on this brilliant record before 2010 and just vote against incumbents.

27 August 2009

Question for all you smart ones out there

obama has been in office for 8 months. The health care bill he submitted is over 1,000 pages long. Where did he find the time to write that bill in 8 months?

If he didn't write it, where did it come from? It seems to me that he does in fact have a plan in his mind to socialize America.

He has been all over the world apologizing for America, bowing to kings and kissing Muslim ass, now he wants to destroy us. I firmly believe that he is trying to destroy America.

Now he is going after CIA interrogators who may have done bad things to bad people. Who gives a shit? I really don't care what they did to terrorist who killed 3,000 people on 9-11.

I am really worried about where we are heading.

On a good note, the senate is no longer filibuster proof with that murderous ted kennedy gone. I am sure he will receive his just rewards.

25 August 2009

The stupidity of hope

What a title huh? Hope as defined by Webster is: a feeling of what is wanted will happen, desire accompanied by expectation.

What a load of shit. Hope has no tomorrow. I will prove it. Tomorrow i hope i win the lottery. Tomorrow never comes. Who believes in hope?

Did Bill Gates hope to get rich? Did Donald Trump hope to get rich? Did i hope to meet someone?

People who DO, DO NOT wait for hope to make it happen.

I hope i get a good job. Can you get that good job if you stay at home or do you have to go out and find it? Well duh!

What do all successful people have in common? They didn't hope for it, they earned it.

Why do people sit around on their ass and hope things will change? Nothing changes unless you make it change.

The next time you hear someone say they hope for something, ask them what they are doing to assure themselves of that desired outcome.

Instead of hope, have them wish for luck. Luck is simply preparation meeting opportunity. If they aren't prepared, hope is a big waste of time.

24 August 2009

A man named Katz

An attractive, widowed Jewish lady, was sunbathing on an almostdeserted beach in Ft. Myers Florida .
She watched an attractive man about her age, in great shape,walk up, place his blanket on the sand near hers and beginreading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “How are you today?”
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.
“First time since my wife passed away two years ago,” he replied and turned back to his book.
“I sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years agoand it is very lonely,”she countered. “Do you live around here?”
“Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ,” he answered, and againresumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted,” Do you like pussy cats?”
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket,tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and askedthe man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The panting man replied. “How did you know my name was Katz?”

19 August 2009

Latest Texas immigration poll

The latest telephone poll taken by Texas Governor Perry's office asked
whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29 % of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
71% of respondents answered: "No, no es un problema."

Change, it isn't always what you think it is.

There’s an old sea story in the Navy about a ship’s Captain who inspected his sailors and afterward told the Chief Bosun his men smelled bad.

The Captain suggested it would help if the sailors whould change underwear occasionally.

The Chief responded,“Aye, Aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!”

The Chief went straight to the sailors berthing deck and announced, “The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.”

“Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!”

The Moral:

Someone may be promising “change” in Washington, but don’t count on things smelling any better!!!

18 August 2009

A robot bartender

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc....... The man was most impressed.

He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact.. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"?? This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50". The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u p-e-o-p-l-e s-t-i-l-l h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?

15 August 2009

Another Moral Question

I am learning a little about medicare and medicaid. Medicare is for the older folks and Medicaid is for those who aren't retired but the government covers them.

Here is my dilemma, how much is a human life worth?

A 15 year old girl is on medicaid and pregnant. She is 34 weeks and goes to the hospital. The doctors at this hospital, regionally renowned, decide that the baby has fluid on the brain and must operated on while in the womb. The local doctors say it is outside their area of expertise and consult with a pediatric neurosurgeon in Dallas. Everyone agrees that the surgery will allow the child to be born and live a normal life. Without the surgery, the child will not be "normal" when birthed and may require extended medical services for an extended time.

Should we, the taxpayer, pay for the airlift to Dallas, the surgery by a world class doctor, and the birthing in Dallas. Let's assume the total bill will be $500,000.

What are your thoughts?

11 August 2009

Story telling at its finest

There is always more than one way to tell a story. Depending on the desired outcome determines how you spin the story. I being in sales, learned a long time ago that it's not so much what you have to say, but how you say it.

The following is an example of how to properly tell a story.

The Facts:

'Remus Reid was a horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

Now if you were to read the above sentence you might decide that ole Remus wasn't the sort of person you would want to be affiliated with.

Without telling a single lie, here is another version from a slightly different point of view:

'Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.In 1887,he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.'

That is the kind of salesman i try to hire!!!

10 August 2009

07 August 2009

6 things dirtier than a toilet, other than your mama! Ha

One person in the office gets the flu, and soon everybody in their row has it. And as paranoid as people think they are about germs these days, with their antibacterial lotions and careful hand-washing after even briefly touching their genitals, the truth is most of us still have no freaking idea where we're picking up these germs.

But if you carried around a microscope everywhere you went, there are a whole lot of everyday things you'd be a lot more hesitant to rub all over your hands.

The most unpleasant place most of us will visit this week is a nice, fragrant, poorly-maintained public restroom. Now, it's no surprise to find the floor and piss-splattered toilet seat are crawling with germs (how many of you still haven't figured out how to flush the toilet with your foot?) but that's OK, because you still remember to pump that liquid soap onto your hands and wash the hell out of them before you leave.

Or it would be OK, if some of the soap wasn't also full of germs. A study conducted by researcher Jonathon Sexton revealed about a quarter of the of the soap dispensers in public restrooms were pumping out viable bacteria with each glob. Yeah, the stuff that makes you sick was in the soap.

The problem is most of these places were using refillable soap dispensers, so contamination was happening when the filth-ridden employees were doing the refilling (the fancier kind of dispensers with sealed, disposable bags inside were clean).
Designed to kill.

Of course, soap is still soap and it's our number one defense against more harmful forms of bacteria, like whatever you got on your hand after it ripped through that ghetto brand toilet paper public restrooms use that seems to be cobbled together from whispers and recycled Chinese newsprint. So it's kind of a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation. So Keep That in Mind When...

...some guy gives you a dirty look if you fail to wash your hands after just peeing. Look, if you showered in the morning it's unlikely your dick is very contaminated. If anything you've probably made your clean dick a little dirtier by touching it with your filthy hands.

And both will wind up cleaner than that guy's hands who, after issuing his disapproval, touches one of the dirtiest surfaces ever invented by man: the handle on a bathroom faucet. Then he compounds the infestation when he touches the handle on the restroom door on his way out. Yet, if you so much as use your dick to open the door just one time, you're the bad guy.

What does your wallet have in common with the local crack den? It's packing nothing but filth and narcotics, that's what.
A 2008 study showed cocaine traces on bills from all over the world, with American money taking the gold. U-S-A! U-S-A!

That's right, some bills tested contained up to 1300 micrograms of pure Bolivian marching powder. If any of you pulled out your wallet and started trying to hitch the reindeer off of a 20, you can put it back. A microgram is about a millionth of a teabag full of cocaine, so unless you've got a million bills to lick you're not going to be getting very high and if you do have a million handy, we assume your army of strippers have already writhed across them all and sanitized them with boob sweat.

The point, however, is that it gives you an idea of the sponge-like ability for money to absorb whatever it comes in contact with, namely drugs and the germs from the hands of everyone who handled it (and whatever else they were handling) before you. So it's not just blow you're carting around; it's everything from chicken guts to common household ball sweat (remember that every dollar bill you touch has potentially been in a Chippendale's dancer's G-string at some point).

Also, that wallet you use to house your cash? The fact that it's stuffed into your pocket close to your warm body helps incubate any germs that were already festering on your two bucks, ensuring it stays as dirty as possible. So Keep That in Mind When...

...people flip out at Burger King when they see a guy sneeze near the grill, but don't blink when the cashier who has handled thousands of diseased bills that morning is the one who stacks the food on your tray.

You probably didn't know there is roughly 0.1 gram of fecal matter in an average pair of underwear. On any given day you and everyone you cross paths with are basically shit Sherpas, carting that stuff to and fro. Granted 0.1 grams doesn't sound like much but that means you can expect up to 100 million E. coli bacteria floating around in a standard wash load containing undies which is, wait for it, a shitload.

Leading germaphobe, Charles Gerba, conducted a study on washing machines in Tucson and Tampa Bay and found coliform bacteria in 60 percent and E. coli in 10 percent of the machines tested, confirming that either the machines aren't all that great at killing your poop germs, or that people in Tucson and Tampa shit in their washers.

You can wash your first load with bleach and hot water and you'll reduce the amount of bacteria that will survive the wash. Or if you don't like the idea of using bleach you can just wash your drawers separately in their own little poop stew. Otherwise, that nice, fresh-smelling load of laundry has some invisible residue waiting for you. So Keep That in Mind When...

...you see Snuggles the Fabric Softener bear rubbing his little face all over the newly "clean" laundry. Enjoy our shit, bear.

Your Computer Keyboard
If you're reading this, you are either using a computer, near a computer or looking at one over the shoulder of your neighbor across the way through high powered binoculars or perhaps the scope of a sniper rifle. Lucky for you, that third choice is the cleanest of the bunch.

OK, so a lot of you knew this already suspected your keyboards were filthy (many offices are even handing out disinfectant wipes once a month to have employees wipe theirs down). But what's amazing is just how freaking dirty it is.

While the average office toilet seat has around 49 germs per square inch, that keyboard of yours averages 3,925.
So basically what we're saying is if the only thing you used your computer for was to shit on it, it would be cleaner than it currently is.

Experts say touching Wayne Knight's computer would land you in quarantine.
How could this possibly be true? Well, because toilets get cleaned regularly, even the aforementioned public toilet at the train station gets a occasional pass with a wet nap from a civil servant. Almost none of us think to do it with our office keyboard, and certainly not with the frequency it would require to keep it truly clean.

So all of the filthy shit we touch throughout the day accumulates on those keys over weeks and weeks. Your dog rolls in poop, you pet your dog, you go to work, you start typing. And so on. So Keep That in Mind When...

...you see people go through the trouble of carefully laying toilet paper around the edge of a toilet seat before they take a dump, carefully scrubbing their hands afterward, then happily going back to their desk and eating a doughnut while tapping away on their filth-encrusted keyboard.

Your Phone
Another seemingly innocuous device that will out germ a toilet seat, and even the aforementioned keyboard, is your telephone. This also shouldn't be too surprising, as all people do with phones is press them firmly to not one but two head orifices. How could that not end in horror movie-level grossness?
But again, the surprise is just how filthy the things get.

Remember how the average office toilet seat had 49 germs per square inch? Well it seems the average conversation is a lot dirtier with the office phone weighing in at a whopping 25,127 germs per square inch. Yeah, about 10 times as bad as your keyboard. Holy shit! Don't germs like, become visible at that point? So Keep That in Mind When...

...you know how when an angry customer demands to "talk to your supervisor," your response is to say, "Sure, let me get you the boss" and then shove the phone down the front of your pants? That almost certainly leaves the phone cleaner than it was before.

So, seriously, what could possibly be dirtier than that?

Your Mouth
Much of the filth you come across in the day can be traced back to one wet, dirty hole. In order to narrow the list of potential suspects down, we'll just tell you it's your mouth. And everyone else's mouth. That gaping hole in your head is like a germ cannon.

It really is the perfect storm of filth: warm, wet and in direct contact with the outside world every time you open it. And then you consider our nasty habits like chewing on ink pens, biting dirty fingernails, leaving bits of food between our teeth and smoking half-finished cigarettes we find in the gutter (you've done this, right?), and you suddenly realize what a freaking miracle our immune system is.

So how does it compare to our toilet seat (again, 49 germs per square inch)? Experts simply leave the number at "millions." But let's put it this way: The average mouth houses around 700 different species of bacteria in its teeming microbial rainforest, with God knows how many members of each species wiggling around in there.

Damn, those Listerine commercials weren't lying.

This is one reason why a bite from a human is more likely to make you sick than a bite from an animal. It's not that dogs have cleaner mouths (they don't) but that the germs in a human mouth are the kind designed to infect humans. So Keep That in Mind When...

...you see those anti-drug PSAs that talk about the dangers of marijuana, but fail to mention the need to wipe down that filthy bong you're passing around. Fuck the weed, man, get some disinfectant on that thing. Some of these people you're sharing with are hippies.

Any key just doesn't seem appropiate at this point. You need a hammer.

McDonalds done gone and pissed me off

25 rules for the modern woman

As much as we want to be handed a martini when coming home from work, and watch as our well-showered kids are seated politely and quietly at the dinner table and as our stunningly beautiful wife brings out a plate of exceptionally cooked food - life just isn't an episode of Mad Men.

But things have gotten a bit out of hand. I say this as I stare at the jumbo box of tampons I ran out to get in the middle of the night for my girlfriend. While women should and NEED to have equal rights and pay, some things need to change. A few of the guys around the office got together and came up with this list of 25 New Rules for the Modern Woman.

If the show hasn't been DVR'd or the cable is unable to "pause" the show, you'll need to speak to us after the program has finished. Especially if it's Entourage.

Yes, we aren't sure why we like Entourage either, but we do. We gave you Carrie and her whore-friends for years, let us have Vince and his boys.

Phone conversations need to be kept to a maximum of one and a half minutes, especially if we will see you in the next two hours. Anything you can say to us can be said to our faces. Or just send us an e-mail. Especially if Entourage is on.

You are forbidden from discussing our eating/drinking/dressing habits with our mothers.

Like your orgasms, please fake excitement when we show you how to kill prostitutes in Grand Theft Auto.

As long as it isn't shit on a stick, we don't care what's for dinner.

We'd prefer not to know the details of you and your friends' menstrual cycles.

If you want the bed made, why not do it yourself?

We aren't too old for video games. We're the first generation that had video games, therefore we're pioneers when it comes to them. Expect us to play them well into our 80s.

Just because we brag about the sound and/or potency of our farts doesn't mean you're welcome to do the same.

All that talk about anal sex causing rectal cancer is total and complete bullshit.

We are not to be bothered during Shark Week.

Please, for the love of all that's good and holy in the world, don't even consider getting Kate Gosselin's haircut.

When you hand out a nickname for our genitalia, it should not end in an "ie" or a "y". Also, it's best if the name references a force of nature like thunder or a hurricane.

Even if you can drink us under the table, please don't. Especially in front of our friends.

There's no need to point out that you're taller than us with heels on.

Those naked photos of our ex-girlfriends? We only keep them around to remind us how great you are. No need to freak out and threaten decapitation.

When you get that "monthly visitor" maybe it's time we revisit an oft forgotten practice. Namely, reinstating "blowjob week".

We are to go to Las Vegas and Amsterdam alone.

It's best if you only work with female trainers at the gym. We don't want to hear about Lars with the tank-top helping you do squats.

When we're handling solo duties on the lead vocals of a Bon Jovi song in the car ... it's just that. A solo. There's no dueting in Jovi. Wait until we break out the Indigo Girls for your crack at lead vocals.

Leaving us alone with your father for 18 holes is cruel, especially when we're sure he thinks we're a pussy.

In fact, don't leave us alone with any of your family. This is most important if, for some reason, we're shooting skeet.

Nothing makes you look fat. Nothing. Don't even ask.

If your boyfriend writes a list of 25 new rules for the modern woman and publishes it on a pop culture blog - the rules apply to other women. Not you. You're perfect. And I'll make sure to pick up your dry-cleaning this afternoon.

What a gift

My soon to be wife noticed that i have a few magazine subscriptions. You know, the necessities. Field and Stream, Cold Steel, American Rifleman and Heart land. Her being the sweetheart that she is, she offered to expand my monthly magazine collection.

Woo hoo, i am thinking along the lines of ATV or something like that. She decided to surprise me. So i go check the mail yesterday and here is my new magazine.

Whatever you do, don't let your wife know that this magazine exist.

Don't let her get a subscription. If she does, check the mail and through it away.

Be afraid, be very afraid!!!

05 August 2009

Best quote of the recession yet


04 August 2009

Drinking with a Texas girl.

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Texas girl are in the same bar...

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice, either.'

The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

"In Texas we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

God Bless Texas

03 August 2009

obama bumper stickers

obama and God

Healthcare Bill Summary, be aware, be very aware

Make sure you read the last four or five of them.

More on the health plan… from a quick inventory by familysecuritymatters.org

Pg 22 of the HC Bill mandates the Government will audit books of all employers that self insure.
Pg 30 Sec 123 of HC bill — a Government committee will decide what treatments/benefits a person may receive.
Pg 29 lines 4-16 in the HC bill — YOUR HEALTHCARE WILL BE RATIONED!
Pg 42 of HC Bill — The Health Choices Commissioner will choose your HC Benefits for you.PG 50 Section 152 in HC bill — HC will be provided to ALL non US citizens, illegal or otherwise.
Pg 58 HC Bill — Government will have real-time access to individual’s finances and a National ID Healthcard will be issued!
Pg 59 HC Bill lines 21-24 Government will have direct access to your bank accts for election funds transfer.
PG 65 Sec 164 is a payoff subsidized plan for retirees and their families in Unions & community organizations (read: ACORN).
Pg 72 Lines 8-14 Government will create an HC Exchange to bring private HC plans under Government control.
PG 91 Lines 4-7 HC Bill — Government mandates linguistic appropriate services. Example — Translation for illegal aliens.
Pg 95 HC Bill Lines 8-18 The Government will use groups, i.e. ACORN & Americorps, to sign up individuals for Government HC plan.
PG 85 Line 7 HC Bill — Specifics of Benefit Levels for Plans. AARP members — your Health care WILL be rationed.
PG 102 Lines 12-18 HC Bill — Medicaid Eligible Individuals will be automatically enrolled in Medicaid. No choice.
pg 124 lines 24-25 HC No company can sue Government on price fixing. No “judicial review” against Government Monopoly.
pg 127 Lines 1-16 HC Bill — Doctors/ AMA — The Government will tell YOU what you can earn.
Pg 145 Line 15-17 An Employer MUST auto enroll employees into public option plan. NO CHOICE.
Pg 126 Lines 22-25 Employers MUST pay for HC for part time employees AND their families.
Pg 170 Lines 1-3 HC Bill Any NONRESIDENT Alien is exempt from individual taxes. (Americans will pay.)
Pg 195 HC Bill -officers & employees of HC Admin (the GOVERNMENT) will have access to ALL Americans’ finances and personal records.
PG 203 Line 14-15 HC — “The tax imposed under this section shall not be treated as tax” Yes, it says that.
Pg 239 Line 14-24 HC Bill Government will reduce physician services for Medicaid. Seniors, low income, poor affected.
Pg 241 Line 6-8 HC Bill — Doctors — doesn’t matter what specialty — will all be paid the same.
PG 253 Line 10-18 Government sets value of Doctor’s time, professional judgment, etc. Literally, value of humans.
PG 265 Sec 1131 Government mandates & controls productivity for private HC industries.
Pg 317 L 13-20 OMG!! PROHIBITION on ownership/investment. Government tells Doctors what/how much they can own.
Pg 317-318 lines 21-25,1-3 PROHIBITION on expansion — Government will mandate hospitals cannot expand.
Pg 354 Sec 1177 — Government will RESTRICT enrollment of Special needs people!
PG 425 Lines 4-12 Government mandates Advance Care Planning Consultations. Think Senior Citizens end of life prodding.
PG 425 Lines 22-25, 426 Lines 1-3 Government provides approved list of end of life resources, guiding you in how to die.
PG 427 Lines 15-24 Government mandates program for orders for end of life. The Government has a say in how your life ends.
PG 429 Lines 10-12 “advanced care consultation” may include an ORDER for end of life plans. AN ORDER from the Government to end a life!
Page 472 Lines 14-17 PAYMENT TO COMMUNITY-BASED ORGANIZATION. 1 monthly payment to a community-based organization. (Like ACORN?)

Donald and Daisy Duck

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, ‘Do you have a condom?
Donald frowned and said, ‘No.’
Daisy told Donald that if he didn’t get a condom, they could not have sex.
‘Maybe they sell them at the front desk,’ she suggested.So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
‘Yes, we do,’ the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, ‘Would you like me to put them on your bill?
‘No!’ Donald quacked , ‘ I’ll thuffocate’