19 July 2010

The best posture for prayer

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.?“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.?
“No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”?
“You’re both wrong,” the guru said. ”The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”?
The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole

The $1 and the $20

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.?
“I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegasand Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean. “?
“Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. ”You’ve really had an exciting life!”?
“So tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?” ?
The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the MethodistChurch, the BaptistChurch , the LutheranChurch.”?
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”?

07 July 2010

Minding my own business

So there i was minding my own business as usual when the wife decided it was time to start looking for "our place". Yippee

She started going through everything that had real estate listings. We drove around neighborhoods we liked, we actually went and knocked on doors that had for sale signs in the yard. Suprisingly, no one ever complained about it, they all welcomed us in to look at it or talk to us about it.

One thing about looking at houses, you get to see some shit. I am surprised at how some people live. Some clean and others not so clean. It was an eye opening experience.

The good thing in my favor was that "our house" was going to be very difficult to find. It is a good thing because i was hoping to put this process off till next year. Our house had to have the following; 2 living areas, modern kitchen, separate pantry, separate laundry room, sequestered master with modern bathroom, hers and hers closets, dual sinks, garden tub and stand alone shower, 2100 square feet or larger, central air and heat, shop or large lot to build shop, and a fence to keep the dogs in.

We looked at every property that came close to our description. We found one house that we really liked. The house was awesome on one third acre so it had room from my shop. One third of the house was the Master suite. The shower alone was 5'X10' with double doors and double shower heads. I would live in the bathroom. It had TV, stereo, telephone, everything you needed in a bathroom. The couple was getting a divorce so they wanted to sell badly. The issue was the easement to the back of the property. The county couldn't tell us who owned it. If i built a shop, i need that back easement to access it due to the configuration of the lot. When we finally got an answer, the couple decided to reconcile so they took the house off the market. Time to start all over.

We spent all last weekend looking and driving our realtor crazy. I picked this house about 4 miles from city limits out in the country, you know where the pavement ends and dirt roads begin. After my wife went in the house and looked around, she turned to me and said "get it". After quite the negotiation, the realtor should be having the contract signed by the seller this morning. We should have "our house". Even my realtor asked me if i was Jewish.

The house is awesome. 2150 square feet, sequestered master, in-law plan for bedroom #2 and all three bedrooms have their own bathroom. The house meets the wife expectations so I'm happy about that. My portion is the lot. It is awesome. 2 acres, 30'x40' shop with 30'x18' carport attached to it, two additional carports for RV and tractor, two car garage, all fenced in and a stocked pond with fishing dock to boot. Separate electric meters for shop and house, water well, and trees galore. Trees are a very valuable commodity here in West Texas.

Hopefully we will get closed end of August and be moving in September. Seller's request to postpone closing for a cheaper price.

01 July 2010

Universal Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
5. Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
6. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
10. Law of bio mechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.
18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick

Economics Class

My professor asked us in the seminar to give an example of a complete business failure owing to professional negligence. I thought about for a minute and answered: A Pregnant Hooker.

I was instructed that although my answer was correct, that wasn't exactly what he was looking for. I said, OK, a drug dealer in rehab. Once again, not the answer he was looking for.

I can't seem to win with this guy. Come to find out, he meant legal business. Humpf, he should have clarified.