30 April 2008

Phone Call

Ring ring, ring ring

"Hello, Big Sexy here"

"Yes, i am trying to contact Mr. Ray about an exclusive credit card offer from Chase, is Mr. ray in?"

"You got him. What kind of exclusive credit card offer?"

"We are offering a credit card with $32K limit, no annual fee and 0 interest until 2009. Is this something you might be interested in?"

"Damn skippy, I'm in. what do i have to do?"

"Well sir, this credit card is for business owners. Are you a business owner?"

"How did you get my number?"

"We pulled it from a list provided to Chase"

"I would assume that the list is of business owners, am i right?"

"Yes sir"

"Then i guess i own my own business. Is this conversation going to be full of dumb questions?"

"No sir, i apologize for that. What is the name of your company?"

"Doesn't it say on the list with my name and number?"

"No sir it doesn't, i need the name of your company to proceed sir"

"Ray Incorporated, Ray Inc for short"

"And Mr. Ray, what kind of business is this?"

"We are a service company"

"What type of service sir?"

"We sale drugs to kids"

"Excuse me, sale drugs to kids?"

"Yea, did you say the limit was $32K? I need a new van. The cops know mine when they see it. For that kind of cabbage i can buy several used vans and rotate them out to keep the pigs confused"

"Sir, i can not issue a credit card to a drug dealer"

"Why not, my money not good enough for you?"

"No sir, Drug Dealing is not a legitimate business"

"Yes it is"

'How is drug dealing a legitimate business?"

"I pay taxes on the drugs i push to the kids"

"I'm sorry, you pay taxes on the drugs?"

"Absolutely. When me and my posse go out and buy the raw materials for cooking meth, we must pay taxes on the supplies. A whole seller doesn't pay taxes on raw materials but on the finished product. I simply pay taxes on the materials and not on the finished product. If i am paying taxes then i am supporting the government thusly legitimizing my business. Now, where is my card?"

"Sir, i can hardly say that......."

"Excuse me, i am not interested in having a debate with you about my business. It is after all, my business and not yours. I don't answer to you, your not a stock holder nor an employee so i do not have to explain myself to you. If you disagree with the laws, call your representative. You called me, i have a business, i meet your prerequisites, now i want my damn card!!"

"Sir, i can not authorize......."

"Apparently you don't have the authority to wipe your ass. Why don't you get your supervisor on the phone and let me talk to someone who can in fact make a decision. I don't have the time or the energy to deal with underlings"

"Sir, my supervisor is busy at the moment and ....."

"Look bitch, i ain't got time to Fu** with you. How about i send a couple of hard pipe hittin niggas over there to get medieval on your ass? The motherfuc**** will tear your ass from your..........."

The line went dead. She hung up on me. I was just starting to get into character and she hung up. Damn, can't even have fun with telemarketers anymore.

29 April 2008

How many people share your name?

div style="color: #000;">
LogoThere are
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

25 April 2008

Helping out your brothers

It was late one evening when the pagers go off. The chimes indicated an Ambulance Assist. The dispatcher sent out the address. Most fireman do not go to an ambulance assist. It usually is the EMS crew needs help retrieving a body. I had to go. I was an officer.

We grab the Engine and take off to the address. The house was old. When we went in we found it belonged to an elderly man who was an obvious pack rat. There was stuff pile up in every room of the house from floor to ceiling. There were paths through the junk so you could walk. We couldn't negotiate the paths with slipping and falling. We figured it would be hard to move the stretcher through all that stuff.

The man was in the living room. He couldn't afford to heat the whole house so he cordoned off the living room and had one hell of a space heater going in there. It was hot enough to make you sweat in the middle of a Pennsylvania winter, which is where we were.

The living room had stuff pile from floor to ceiling, a TV, a couch, reading materials and a handicrapper. The old man was in the sitting position on the couch with his pants around his ankles. We assumed he made his way to the porta-shitter and when he got back on the couch he simply passed away. We guesstimated that he died 6-8 days before he was found. The smell in the room was foul. We opened the doors and busted a window to ventilate. We also decided to extricate through the busted window.

The EMS crew wanted help putting the body in a body bag. We told them that was "Their Job", we were here to help haul the body out. They couldn't manipulate the body very well and asked for suggestions. Our fearless Captain told them " Lay the body straight out on the couch. Put the body bag on the floor beside the couch and roll the body into the bag". A few of us looked at each other like they were crazy. As you know a body bag will not lie open on a floor. Some how two of us was made to hold the bag open at each end. The Paramedic reaches over and rolls the body off the couch. Worst mistake of my life.

When the body hit the floor it busted open spilling all the inside stuff to the outside. It spilled out of the bag and the smell is indescribable. We got sick and puked right there in the living room. We were all scrambling try to navigate the little paths to get out of the house. The stinch would overtake us and someone would puke in the path. It seemed like it took forever to get out of that house. I have never experienced anything like that in my life.

We are all gathered around the fire truck with a decomposing body in a little house with no one wanting to go back in there. It took the Chief to threaten us with blackmail to get us back in that house. The guys were putting Vicks and everything else under their noses to help kill the smell. They are going back in the house and i ain't moved. They asked if i was coming. I said hell no. Chief can call my wife, I'm clean.

After about 5 minutes and them boys gagging their asses off, me and a buddy don our SCBA and walk into the living room like nothing happened. When the other guys saw us you could see them get mad for not thinking about the airpaks. The looks on their faces was worth it.

We extricated the body and went home. It took days to get that smell out of my head and to wash it off my body. I never want to go through that again.

When Firemen get bored, it gets fun.

For those that do not know, in my previous life i was a Fireman. Actually a damn good one. I spent 4 years learning, practicing and doing shipboard firefighting and helicopter rescue. Naturally when i got of the NAVY i stayed affiliated with fire departments everywhere i went. Yes i was a volunteer fire fighter but we were good. I was a Lieutenant when i left Burgettestown PA.

We had a cool firehouse. The soda machine was a cleverly disguised beer machine. We used to go to the firehouse and do a little drinking. That leads up to some interesting stories.

So there we were. Having a few beers and getting bored. Halloween was just around the corner and then someone had an idea. They thought it would be funny to shit in an old purse, place a couple of dollars in the shit and leave the purse near the phone booth. After discussing it, we agreed it would be fun.

I volunteered to make the deposit in the purse. I am glad no one saw me hovering over the crapper, holding a purse and trying to drop a deuce on target. It is not easy when you a big guy.

Since it was my deposit in the purse, i had to stick the dollar bills in it. The bait was applied. We took off to the phone booth downtown. The purse was set up on the ground right beneath the phone booth. We parked across the street to see what happened.

Some kids came walking by and spotted the purse. They carefully looked around to make sure no one was watching them and then they retrieved the purse. When he opened the purse he saw the money and immediately stuck his hand in the purse to get it. He stuck his hand clean through that turd. He pulled his hand out and couldn't figure out what was on his hand. For some reason when he figured out what it was, he wiped his hand on his shirt and pants. It was disgusting. We couldn't stop laughing. The other kids with him was hollering and trying to get away from him. I am cracking up remembering this.

So with all the kids screaming and avoiding him, he tossed the purse to the ground and they took off running. We were laughing our asses off and waiting for the kids to turn the corner then we would set up the purse again. While we are sitting there waiting and laughing a truck drives by. He spots the purse and hits the brakes. The reverse lights come on and he is backing up to get the purse. The door opens and he reaches down and grabs the purse. He takes off like he stole something and not 100 feet down the road he slams on the brakes and we can hear him cursing. He throws the purse out the window and puts it in reverse and smokes the tires backing up. We figured he thought the kids did it and he was looking for them.

We laughed so hard i probably pissed myself. The fun you can have with an old purse, 2 dollars and a turd.

23 April 2008

Pic time

Need i say more?

Damn, where could it be?

Smile Mofo, i can't see ya

22 April 2008

The sound of silence

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk to you again
because a vision softly creeping
left its seeds while i was sleeping
and the vision that was planted in my brain,
still remains
within the sound of silence.

This song was performed by Simon and Garfunkel in honor of JFK. It was a #1 hit single in 1966. After closely listening to the lyrics, i think i know what they were saying.

Today marks 12 weeks or 3 months since my wife passed. I was looking back last night at the journal i have been keeping and remembering what happened the evening i found her. I have since come to understand the Sound of Silence.

In my recent post after her death i mentioned that i felt my life change course in midstream. I have now seen where I'm heading. Not that it is good or bad, just a different direction than i had planned. Sometimes we are not in control and we just have to ride it out. I try to close my eyes and hang on.

Everything in my life has changed. The music i listen to is different, the vehicle i drive is different, the way i dress is different and what i eat is different and with all these changes i still feel the same loss. Change and time doesn't really help. I still remember that first night vividly like it was yesterday. I can tell you who was at my house and most of the people at the funeral. Damn a good memory.

Our house was a shambles. We had just had the bathroom remodeled, took up the carpet and put down wood flooring and painted the bedroom and had all the Christmas decorations taken down and ready for packing away. We had to move all kinds of stuff out of the way to remove her body. Funny how big and cumbersome a stretcher is, i never knew that.

After everyone had left about 0130 in the morning i call Ricky to let him know what happened. He calls Terry and they both head over to the house unbeknown to me. It was 0230 and i am digging through the safe when out of the corner of my eye i see movement at the front door. The dogs freak out and start barking and i damn near crapped myself. It was Ricky and Terry.

Around 0430 we go over to IHOP and have breakfast. We were not exactly appropriately attired but we didn't give a shit. The cops kept a watchful eye on us for some reason.

When the clock struck 0700 Ricky and Terry had to go to work. We had been up all night just talking and deciding what to do next. I jumped in the shower and got cleaned up. I had to choose her outfit to be buried in. That took me almost an hour to do. That was the hardest thing i have ever done. She had specified in her will what she wanted to wear down to her boots and necklace. I found everything but the necklace.

Around 1000 i am at the funeral home picking out caskets and everything else that goes into a funeral. We set a time to go to the grave yard to pick her plot. It was a dark day. Sometime that early afternoon the motorcycle shop called me to go get my 4-wheeler. I went and picked it up and Ricky and i went to a late lunch. I got home about 1700 that afternoon. Ricky, Mardy, Terry and the guys from work showed up again and we sat around all night. Sleep wouldn't come.

That morning Gerald showed up and we began to field day the house. Put away all the Christmas stuff in the shed, cleaned up all the construction crap and re-hung all the pictures where they belonged. Got the house cleaned up for the guest and took the dogs to the beauty parlor. At 1500 Mardy, Ricky and myself went to the funeral home to view the body. I broke down and lost it. Mardy and Ricky got me back home and i hit the bottle. Erech and Cameron show up with double doubles from Whataburger and i chow down. 15 minutes later i am asleep in my recliner in a drunken stupor. Sleep finally came and lasted about 4-5 hours.

I wake up about 0200 and everyone is laid out around the house trying to get some sleep. I tell everyone to go home and i spend that night alone for the first time in many years. The silence was deafening.

The wake was Friday night and the funeral was Saturday morning at 1000. My Brother and parents stayed over Sunday and we took out all her personal belongings and stored what i wanted to keep and donated the rest to Helping Hands. Looking back now i question if i did the right thing.

Monday morning my parents and brother left for home and took my two dogs with them. I couldn't keep them as much as i travel and i wanted them to stay together. Now the only background noise is the whirling of the ceiling fans. I can hear the sound of silence.

3 months later and i still have the same sleeping pattern. I sleep a couple of hours each night at all different times. As i lay in bed the slightest sound will awaken me. I go days with out sleep sometimes and just sit and idle the time away. Even when i am on the road sleep still eludes me. I guess my nerves are still acting up. I refuse to use sleep aids other than beer and Malibu Rum. Don't want to get addicted. Ha.

I am not interested in dating so i just find things to do to keep busy. I have renewed my relationship with my 4-wheeler, motorcycle and guns. I realize that it will never be back to normal. My normal is gone. Eventually i will establish a new norm and i will be comfortable with it.

Yall have a good day and Love the one your with.

21 April 2008

Movie review

This weekend i was bored so i decided to go window shopping at the mall. I was walking around looking at stuff and looking for that thing i needed. I didn't know what i needed but i was sure i would know it when i saw it.

I walked out of the mall with a pressure washer, an outfit for a (small) pet monkey and the movie Walk Hard.

After a few beers and while a pot roast was simmering i slipped in the movie. There were parts that had me laughing so hard i had to stop the movie and rewind it. It wasn't a constant laugh fest but it was worth the $20 it cost me. I will be purchasing the sound track to this movie. Some of the songs made me pee my pants they were so funny.

I suggest buying the movie but i will bet a dollar to a donut that my Brother will not like this movie. He doesn't have the same laugh button as i got. I look forward to hearing his critique. Since this movie doest have Will Ferell in it, he may watch it.

A long week

Last week was a long week. We were in Dallas for budget meetings. Our budget meetings are little different. Our region has a total and that total is given out to the branches. There is lots of cussing, name calling, blaming and crying going on. You hear some of the most interesting excuses at these meetings. Most of them come from me.

I try my ass off to defend a lesser budget than i had last year. I quote windfalls, economic downturns, trends in the oil patch and a mature market. All to no avail. We all get hammered. Damn the bad luck.

Our meetings are usually based on Beer, Pizza and Donuts. We get all beered up at night and argue all the next day. Our Boss lets us use our imagination when we present our branch. I must say that some of the most humorous lies come out of these meetings. You would think that we all should be on welfare. After all the lying, crying and cussing, it is what it is. Cowboy up and get r dun.

We went to the Medieval Times for dinner. That was interesting. You get to eat with your hands in an arena that smells like horse shit. Yum. I was shocked at the price. $53 a head.

The show was decent. I really like the horsemanship. The animals are well trained. The acting leaves a bit to be desired. I would suggest that everyone go there at least once.

11 April 2008

I am an asshole

It's a beautiful day and i am enjoying my drive to Austin. I will be doing a presentation to a major Oil and Gas company on the new NSPS regulation changes governing leaking emissions. I have my presentation ready to go and my props loaded. I will have a good time.

about 1600 i check into here and started unpacking. The front desk informed me that we had a social gathering at 1830 in the club house.

I go to the clubhouse where we have drinks and dinner. After a dang fine dinner we are in the bar just shooting the breeze. As we are bullshitting about nothing i happen to mention that i can get the cork out of a wine bottle without breaking the cork or the bottle. Some bets were made and i had to prove i could do it.

To make a long story short, i couldn't get the cork out with the resources i had so i told them i would have it out before my presentation in the morning. I was told if i didn't have it i would have to do my presentation buck naked. Ha, i don't think so.

I go to the front desk and retrieve the appropriate materials to remove the cork from the bottle. I pull out the cork and head off to the swimming area to show them i got the cork out. As i am walking through the main bar i decided to stop in for a beer. When the innkeeper brought me the beer he asked about the wine bottle. I told him i could get the cork out without breaking either one of them. He grabs the bottle, shoves the cork down in it and hands it back and said he would like to see that. So there i am exactly where i was 1 hour ago trying to get the damn cork out of the bottle. Innkeeper says he will buy me a beer if i can get it out. Some lady sitting next me at the bar said she would do the same if i could get it out. I go back to the front desk to get more supplies and i return and pop the cork out the bottle. I got my two free beers and was sitting there feeling pretty cool.

The lady next to me starts asking questions. She ask where i am from and what i am doing at the resort. I answer all her questions and we go through some chit chat. I look at her and ask her what she came all the way from California to Austin for. She has this look of disbelief on her face. She said " How do you know i am from California?"

I was married to one of your kind. i can spot you in a crowd just like a diamond shining in a goats ass.

We sit there bullshitting and telling jokes. Come to find out she used to be a therapist. You know the touchy feely type that can solve all your problems. Then we start talking about Love and Marriage. I decide to have a little fun.

She ask "So do you think you will ever remarry?"

I see no real point in it. There is no benefit other than tax breaks.

Don't you want to be in Love again?

Love doesn't exist. It is just a frame of mind. Love has no tangible value.

I can't believe you feel that way. How can you not believe in Love?

Like i said, all Love ends in heartbreak. Love serves no purpose in this lifetime. We were put on this Earth to serve God, not anyone else. Love is a luxury not a necessity. The only necessities you need are food and water. After that everything is a luxury. Love is a burden that this society would be better off without. Animals and everything else procreate without love. Why do we need it?

Loving someone completes us. It gives meaning and purpose to our lives.

I am complete. I was designed that way. I do not need a woman to give me purpose. I sure hope you didn't try to sell this shit to your clients. I have to go now, have a great evening.

I get up to walk out and she ask for my number. I tell her "I'm in the book"

06 April 2008

You ain't gonna believe this shit

So there i was, minding my own business. It starts out like a typical ghetto fairy tale, right?

So here is the scoop. Out here in West Texas they have an annual hoe down called the Ragin Cajun. It is a fundraiser for the Special Olympics. You pay $35 and it's all the boiled seafood you can eat. They have crawfish, crab legs, shrimp, corn, tators, and sausage. They also have an endless supply of keg beer to help quench your thirst. You can purchase a desert if you like. They also have a live auction, a silent auction and a souvenir table. It really isn't bad considering where it is at.

I get a call last week asking if the St. Stephen's Knights of Columbus can handle the cooking for the Ragin Cajun. We decided that we simply didn't have enough time to take on such a large undertaking but that we could support whoever had that manpower. The Local Boy Scout troop took on the task and we dedicated two bona fide connasses and lots of Knight to help out. We made a good showing.

We arrive at High Noon to help set up and recon how much seafood we had to cook. They had 400lbs of crawfish and i have no idea how much crab and shrimp. They had an 18 wheeler refrigerator truck standing by with the frozen stuff. We set up and need to be ready to start serving at 1600.

By 1500 most of us are good and primed and ready to rock and roll. We cook a pre-limenary batch of crawfish to make sure our pots are transferring heat correctly. We wanted to make sure the pots were calibrated just right considering this was the 1st major boil of the season. They are.

While waiting for the festivities to start, Eric (rocket man) and i are walking around admiring the scenery. As we are standing there this guy comes up and starts talking to us. He was doing a microphone check around the hangar bay. We were after all in the CAF museum. Come to find out it is Vince Vance of Vince Vance and the Valiants. So we talk to Vince about 1/2 hour drinking beer and having a good time. Rocket man ask Vince if he can open with the LSU fight song. Vince said he would have the Valiantettes ( Val Yun Ettes) in cheerleader outfits. Woo Hoo, looks like a fun evening.

Around 1600 the opening bands kicks off the evening and we are out back boiling the hell out of some crawfish. We are going after it when Vince Vance and the Valiantes come on at 2000. I go out front to enjoy the show with Tommy and Scott. Now if you have ever seen Vince Vance you know he changes costumes every other song and likes to drag people on-stage.

So there we were, minding our own business. Standing off to the side and i was having eye sex with the Valianettes. They were beautiful. In the distance i hear a sound that is faintly recognizable. I wasn't sure what it was but it reminded me of an 18 wheeler. As i am trying to ascertain what the horn sound was i hear the words Lake Charles mentioned on the band speakers. As i snap out of my day dream there is Vince grabbing my hand and dragging me on stage. I look for Tommy and Scott and they scattered like roaches when you turn on the lights.

Vince paired me up with one of the Valianettes to sing back up to "Under the Boardwalk" and then i knew what that sound was. Have you ever seen the movie Black Dog? It has Patrick Swayze who is a truck driver and he is overcome by the Black Dog? I was overcome by the Horn dog. I was bitten and smitten.

So there i am. Beered up wearing my Knights of Columbus apron and Knights of Columbus tee shirt. I was smelling like a bait shop and standing next to the most beautiful women i have ever seen (in 10 weeks). I don't know if it was Violet (that was her name) or the beer but i thought i could sing in front of God knows how many people. Actually i was told i did a fairly decent job. I have a naturally deep voice. I think my Brothers were funning with me.

After the song was over Vince had the girls introduce the guys he had drug on-stage. Violet introduced me as "The Cook" from Lake Charles. Never mind that i was 1 of 50 men out there cooking. I felt kinda bad about that but it passed.

After we were done cooking, Rocket man and myself were asked to man the souvenir booth. Remind me to tell you the story of two women who wanted some free beads. There is only 1 way to get free beads. Those who have been to Nawlins know how. They got free beads.

When the show was over, Rocket man and myself had some great photo shots with Vince and more importantly the Valianettes. I will post the pics when i get them developed.

I must say that this was one of the best nights i have had in a long time.

04 April 2008

Original Homeland Security Team



Rabbit Man

One afternoon my buddy Mark calls me and ask if I'm interested in doing a little varmint hunting. I reply heck yea and Mark tells me to call Eric, who will be later called Rocket man, and Eric agrees and off we go on a fun filled event of hunting and talking smack.

When i talk about varmint hunting it may not be what you are thinking. We don't just sit around and wait for coyotes or bobcats. We drive around looking for them and blowing rabbits away while we are looking for the coyotes and bobcats.

It is about 2200 and we are driving down a plow road next to a cotton field. Mark had just bought a brand spankin new .204 stainless rifle and was itching to blow something away. Mark got his wish. About 100yds down the cotton row there is a huge jack rabbit.

I am driving the truck and Mark and Eric are in the back shooting anything that moves. Mark hollers to stop when he sees that huge jack down the cotton row. I stop and Mark takes the shot. A beautiful shot in the head. The jack just rolls over dead.

Mark ask me to go down the row and retrieve the jack. I bebop down the row and grab the dead jack. i am carrying the jack by his hind legs and his bloody dangling head is dragging the ground. Mark shot him in the neck and there was a little flap of skin holding the head on. As i near the truck i was about 10 yds from them. Mark and Eric are shining the jack to see the damage and of course being the friends that they are they are shining my face as well with 3 million candlepower spotlights.

So i start swinging the jack back and forth like i am about to throw it at them. They shined my face some more and Eric shouted "I dare You". I chunk ed that jack with an extremely high arc. My plan was to make the jack land in the back of the truck and make a mess. As i tossed the jack, Mark and Eric hunkered down as close to the back of the cab as they could get. As they were hunkering down trying to spot the dead flying rabbit, it landed perfectly on Mark's shoulders like a scarf. The weight of the jack caused it to wrap around his neck and the dangling head smacked him on the cheek and in the mouth. Mark dang near freaked out.

Mark threw the jack off of him and was trying to get the blood off his face but ended up smearing it everywhere. Eric was laughing so hard he fell out of the back of the truck. I was rolling on the ground laughing and i couldn't stop. All this laughing was pissing Mark off. Mark was shouting that he was going to get the bubonic plague and rabbit aids. He swore that if he caught any disease he would hunt us down and snipe us. We simply couldn't stop laughing at Marks ranting. Mark just kept getting madder.

After Mark used up all our water trying to get the blood and guts off of him, he decided it was time to go. I am not sure if he talked to us on the way home and Eric and I just couldn't stop laughing. This happened about 3 years ago and the three of us has not been hunting together since.

02 April 2008

Refresher Course

"Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not."
~ Thomas Jefferson


1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.

2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

3. Colt: The original point and click interface.

4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.

5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?

6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.

8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.

9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.

10. The United States Constitution (c)1791. All Rights Reserved.

11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?

12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.

13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

14. Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.

15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.

16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.

18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.

20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control

22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.

23. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.

24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.

25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

"Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist.