07 August 2009

25 rules for the modern woman

As much as we want to be handed a martini when coming home from work, and watch as our well-showered kids are seated politely and quietly at the dinner table and as our stunningly beautiful wife brings out a plate of exceptionally cooked food - life just isn't an episode of Mad Men.

But things have gotten a bit out of hand. I say this as I stare at the jumbo box of tampons I ran out to get in the middle of the night for my girlfriend. While women should and NEED to have equal rights and pay, some things need to change. A few of the guys around the office got together and came up with this list of 25 New Rules for the Modern Woman.


If the show hasn't been DVR'd or the cable is unable to "pause" the show, you'll need to speak to us after the program has finished. Especially if it's Entourage.

Yes, we aren't sure why we like Entourage either, but we do. We gave you Carrie and her whore-friends for years, let us have Vince and his boys.

Phone conversations need to be kept to a maximum of one and a half minutes, especially if we will see you in the next two hours. Anything you can say to us can be said to our faces. Or just send us an e-mail. Especially if Entourage is on.

You are forbidden from discussing our eating/drinking/dressing habits with our mothers.

Like your orgasms, please fake excitement when we show you how to kill prostitutes in Grand Theft Auto.

As long as it isn't shit on a stick, we don't care what's for dinner.

We'd prefer not to know the details of you and your friends' menstrual cycles.

If you want the bed made, why not do it yourself?

We aren't too old for video games. We're the first generation that had video games, therefore we're pioneers when it comes to them. Expect us to play them well into our 80s.

Just because we brag about the sound and/or potency of our farts doesn't mean you're welcome to do the same.

All that talk about anal sex causing rectal cancer is total and complete bullshit.

We are not to be bothered during Shark Week.

Please, for the love of all that's good and holy in the world, don't even consider getting Kate Gosselin's haircut.

When you hand out a nickname for our genitalia, it should not end in an "ie" or a "y". Also, it's best if the name references a force of nature like thunder or a hurricane.

Even if you can drink us under the table, please don't. Especially in front of our friends.

There's no need to point out that you're taller than us with heels on.

Those naked photos of our ex-girlfriends? We only keep them around to remind us how great you are. No need to freak out and threaten decapitation.

When you get that "monthly visitor" maybe it's time we revisit an oft forgotten practice. Namely, reinstating "blowjob week".

We are to go to Las Vegas and Amsterdam alone.

It's best if you only work with female trainers at the gym. We don't want to hear about Lars with the tank-top helping you do squats.

When we're handling solo duties on the lead vocals of a Bon Jovi song in the car ... it's just that. A solo. There's no dueting in Jovi. Wait until we break out the Indigo Girls for your crack at lead vocals.

Leaving us alone with your father for 18 holes is cruel, especially when we're sure he thinks we're a pussy.

In fact, don't leave us alone with any of your family. This is most important if, for some reason, we're shooting skeet.

Nothing makes you look fat. Nothing. Don't even ask.

If your boyfriend writes a list of 25 new rules for the modern woman and publishes it on a pop culture blog - the rules apply to other women. Not you. You're perfect. And I'll make sure to pick up your dry-cleaning this afternoon.

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