I was listening to a book on tape called Rescued. It is about a pastor and many church members who are on a couples cruise and videotaping everything. The pastor and several others go on a submarine and it crashes. They all die and the pastor returns from from death to tell his congregation about the judgement he went through.
Now during his judgement even though he was a pastor his name wasn't recorded in the The Book of Life. I don't want to ruin it for you but his final sermon was about repentance.
Just because we believe in God and go to church every Sunday, this does not guarantee our entrance into Heaven. We must repent of all of our sins. In order to repent we must truly understand what a sin is. It is my belief that most people do not really understand what sin is. All the churches now a days seem to bring God to us as a loving all forgiving God. He is but He has a vengeful side. His wrath is strong and he doesn't like sin. The problem is that we rationalize what we think sin is, or more importantly what it is not, but our rationalization does not convince God, only us. This rationale is what makes us, especially me, think that i can do something and it not be sinful. This will be our downfall.
So what is sin? Here is how the Catholic Church defines sin: Sin is an offense against reason, truth, and right conscience; it is failure in genuine love for God and neighbor caused by a perverse attachment to certain goods. It wounds the nature of man and injures human solidarity. It has been defined as "an utterance, a deed, or a desire contrary to the eternal law."121
1850 Sin is an offense against God: "Against you, you alone, have I sinned, and done that which is evil in your sight."122 Sin sets itself against God's love for us and turns our hearts away from it. Like the first sin, it is disobedience, a revolt against God through the will to become "like gods,"123 knowing and determining good and evil. Sin is thus "love of oneself even to contempt of God."124 In this proud self- exaltation, sin is diametrically opposed to the obedience of Jesus, which achieves our salvation.
Wow, of all the people i know, i wonder how many can meet these requirements. I know i don't. A failure in genuine Love for God and neighbor. That is a lot to swallow. Something so simple could have such dire consequences for eternity.
What is a failure of Love for neighbor?
Gossip?
Judgement?
Not feeding a hungry person we meet, giving shelter to the homeless, clothing the needy?
Calling ethnic groups by racial names?
Not giving 10% of your first fruits tot he church?
Excessive drinking, gambling, eating?
Holding a grudge for something that happened a long time ago?
Avoiding someone on the street because of the way they look?
Not loaning a family member money or shelter when they need it?
Lust? Man this is tough one. If you see a beautiful women and in your mind think sexual thoughts about her, then you have lusted.
Pornography?
Dirty jokes that make fun of someone or their heritage?
Cheating on your spouse? This one is more than a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse. The church teaches that if you are divorced for reasons other than sexual discrepancies, then you are committing adultery if you re-marry. Lustful thoughts are also cheating.
My thoughts above are but a mere mention of what would defy Love of neighbor. I would venture to say that salvation in is in the details. All the little things that we don't worry about is enough to drive that wedge between God and ourselves.
As you know this is Lent for us Catholics and i have been doing a lot of soul searching lately and i have come to the conclusion that i am not near as good a Catholic man as i thought i was or want to be. What i have to do now is repent. This is a lot harder than one thinks. You can't simply go to a Priest, confess and be done. You must truly feel sorrow for what you have done in your heart. You must first identify what sins you have committed. This is quite embarrassing for some of us.
I am on my way for my repentance. Some things i can never fix as i have lost the one i hurt and some things i can repair. This is a burden that i must bear but i hope that in our travels, if we meet you will help me to stay on the right path.
Peace
27 February 2009
The theory if intelligence
This is as explained by Cliff to Norm
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo; and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo; and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
Bail them out my ass
Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country and our banking system to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey!"
26 February 2009
The new Denny's breakfast
In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast special: Fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill!
Funny
An armed hooded robber bursts into the Texas Bank and forces> >>
the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot a brave Texas customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots this brave Texan without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also. Everyone else, by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. The Robber calls out, "Did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments silence, and then an old man, while still looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse of you.
the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot a brave Texas customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots this brave Texan without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also. Everyone else, by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. The Robber calls out, "Did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments silence, and then an old man, while still looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse of you.
25 February 2009
A difficult question
Today me and someone was talking about abortion. He said it was ok to perform an abortion if having the child would kill the mother. I am not too sure how i feel about that. His argument was that by aborting the child and saving the mother, the couple could have another chance at having a child. He also stated that he knew the mother was ok but didn't know the condition of the baby.
Using his logic i told him this story:
A woman has what she thought was a boil on her inner thigh. She goes to the doctor and he rushes her to the hospital. They consult a surgeon and determine that she has Necrotizing Fasciitis . They rush her into surgery and a few hours later the surgeon reports that he thinks he got it all out. The next day the nurse notices some reddening moving around her outer leg and up towards her spine. The surgeon takes her back into surgery and they start round two.
The woman is completely knocked out on pain meds and several antibiotics to kill the infection. She ends up in ICU on a ventilator and is fighting for her life. Her husband is having to make decisions based on a limited medical background and the decisions could be life or death.
The nurses notice more reddening on her and call the surgeon again. The surgeon meets with the husband and family and lays out the options. The options were simple, try surgery again and hope they get it or amputate the leg and know that they get it.
The children and family members want to amputate the leg but the husband doesn't. The husband has the final say so they are trying to convince him to let the surgeon amputate.
The husband claims to know his wife's wishes and that she would not want her leg removed. The family says that doesn't matter as long as she is still alive. She may be mad but she will be here with them.
This is a true story and did in fact take place. What would you have done? Would you amputate or not if you were the husband in this situation.
Using his logic i told him this story:
A woman has what she thought was a boil on her inner thigh. She goes to the doctor and he rushes her to the hospital. They consult a surgeon and determine that she has Necrotizing Fasciitis . They rush her into surgery and a few hours later the surgeon reports that he thinks he got it all out. The next day the nurse notices some reddening moving around her outer leg and up towards her spine. The surgeon takes her back into surgery and they start round two.
The woman is completely knocked out on pain meds and several antibiotics to kill the infection. She ends up in ICU on a ventilator and is fighting for her life. Her husband is having to make decisions based on a limited medical background and the decisions could be life or death.
The nurses notice more reddening on her and call the surgeon again. The surgeon meets with the husband and family and lays out the options. The options were simple, try surgery again and hope they get it or amputate the leg and know that they get it.
The children and family members want to amputate the leg but the husband doesn't. The husband has the final say so they are trying to convince him to let the surgeon amputate.
The husband claims to know his wife's wishes and that she would not want her leg removed. The family says that doesn't matter as long as she is still alive. She may be mad but she will be here with them.
This is a true story and did in fact take place. What would you have done? Would you amputate or not if you were the husband in this situation.
23 February 2009
Stimulas bill explained
Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says,
“I don’t understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?”The professor replied, “I don’t have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I’ll be glad to explain it to you.” The student agreed.
At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor’s house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.
They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, “First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can.” The student did as he was instructed.
The professor then continued, “Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it.” The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.
The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.
The confused student asked, “Excuse me, but why are we doing this?”
The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.
The student didn’t think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.
However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, “All we’re doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you’ll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!”
The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, “Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill.”
“I don’t understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?”The professor replied, “I don’t have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I’ll be glad to explain it to you.” The student agreed.
At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor’s house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.
They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, “First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can.” The student did as he was instructed.
The professor then continued, “Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it.” The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.
The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.
The confused student asked, “Excuse me, but why are we doing this?”
The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.
The student didn’t think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.
However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, “All we’re doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you’ll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!”
The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, “Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill.”
Interesting history lesson
AN INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON.Railroad tracks.Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates built the US railroads.Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were madefor Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.Bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a> Specification/Procedure/Process and wonder "What horse's ass came up with it?" you may be exactly right.Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the story:When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineerswho designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bitfatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track,and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two-thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important ? Ancient horses' asses control almost everything... and CURRENT horses' asses are controlling everything else.And that is the end of today's lesson!
14 February 2009
A moral question
This couple decide they want to have a child. They go forth and begin multiplying. She goes to the doctor and finds out she is pregnant with twins. They are overjoyed and thank God for blessing them with this miracle. All is well for a few months.
They go to the doctor and find that the twins are co-joined or Siamese twins. They are joined at the head. This news devastates the couple. The doctor talks to them about aborting the pregnancy. The doctor doesn't think the twins will ever have a normal life.
The couple is a Christian couple and doesn't believe in abortion. Like most people they don't believe in things until it happens to them. They hate abortion but they start weighing the pro's and the con's about co-joined twins. They start rationalizing why an abortion in this particular case would be ok. In the end it is a split decision. One thinks they should abort and one thinks they should deliver. I'll let you guess who wanted what.
They decided to deliver the babies against their doctors advice. She has a successful delivery and the babies are perfectly healthy and normal other than being connected at the head. The twins are absolutely beautiful. It looked as if God himself blessed these little girls with a beauty that was second to none. They were adorable!
The couple consults with several surgeons to see about separating the girls. Every surgeon they talk to tells them that there is a 100% guarantee that if they try to separate the girls, one of them will die. They go to Germany and consult with surgeons there. They all agree that one of the girls will die if they go through with the surgery. The only difference is they find a surgeon who will do the surgery. They ask if the surgery will be fatal for one of the girls and he says yes, but that doesn't bother him. He believes that it is worth it to sacrifice one of the girls to give the other one a normal life.
Should the couple have the surgery?
They go to the doctor and find that the twins are co-joined or Siamese twins. They are joined at the head. This news devastates the couple. The doctor talks to them about aborting the pregnancy. The doctor doesn't think the twins will ever have a normal life.
The couple is a Christian couple and doesn't believe in abortion. Like most people they don't believe in things until it happens to them. They hate abortion but they start weighing the pro's and the con's about co-joined twins. They start rationalizing why an abortion in this particular case would be ok. In the end it is a split decision. One thinks they should abort and one thinks they should deliver. I'll let you guess who wanted what.
They decided to deliver the babies against their doctors advice. She has a successful delivery and the babies are perfectly healthy and normal other than being connected at the head. The twins are absolutely beautiful. It looked as if God himself blessed these little girls with a beauty that was second to none. They were adorable!
The couple consults with several surgeons to see about separating the girls. Every surgeon they talk to tells them that there is a 100% guarantee that if they try to separate the girls, one of them will die. They go to Germany and consult with surgeons there. They all agree that one of the girls will die if they go through with the surgery. The only difference is they find a surgeon who will do the surgery. They ask if the surgery will be fatal for one of the girls and he says yes, but that doesn't bother him. He believes that it is worth it to sacrifice one of the girls to give the other one a normal life.
Should the couple have the surgery?
13 February 2009
Price-tag of Integrity
Let's say a company is hired to perform inspections in a plant. The regulation states that each applicable component must be inspected monthly under an established protocol. There is roughly 40,000 components that must be inspected. There is a data base that is maintained with all the inspections and all this data is auditable by a a regulatory agency.
The supervisor does a random audit and finds 50 components were not inspected at all. The components were found after the end of the month. He sends inspections teams out and they inspect the components but by the regulation they are late.
Facts to be considered: The inspections are purely for pollution reasons. No one could get physically harmed from missing the inspections. The fines associated with the inspections are $5,000 per component.
The supervisor has a few choices here. He can report the missed inspection to the customer and they can hope it isn't found in an audit. He can not report it and hope it isn't found in an audit or he can backdate the inspection and lie on the report.
If he falsifies the documents he is not doing it for person gain, he is saving his customer from a potential fine, possible contract loss and firing a bunch of people. Is he justified in falsifieing the documents?
The supervisor does a random audit and finds 50 components were not inspected at all. The components were found after the end of the month. He sends inspections teams out and they inspect the components but by the regulation they are late.
Facts to be considered: The inspections are purely for pollution reasons. No one could get physically harmed from missing the inspections. The fines associated with the inspections are $5,000 per component.
The supervisor has a few choices here. He can report the missed inspection to the customer and they can hope it isn't found in an audit. He can not report it and hope it isn't found in an audit or he can backdate the inspection and lie on the report.
If he falsifies the documents he is not doing it for person gain, he is saving his customer from a potential fine, possible contract loss and firing a bunch of people. Is he justified in falsifieing the documents?
Most Interesting
Most Interesting - I never knew this!
Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants” and add a few more letters, it spells out:
“Fuck off and go home you benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, mutton eating, smelly rag head bastards with you.”
How weird is that??
Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants” and add a few more letters, it spells out:
“Fuck off and go home you benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, mutton eating, smelly rag head bastards with you.”
How weird is that??
11 February 2009
The mother of all test
It is upon us. The mother of all test for those not married, Valentines day. So many men will make a fatal mistake with this holiday. I wish them well. We are a brotherhood and must stick together. You don't believe me, go to Walgreens Friday night and see how many last minute shoppers are there fighting over the last Valentine card. It is Pathetic.
What do you get your fiance? I thought about lingerie but what does that imply? I give you this so you can make me happy? I don't think that will fly.
She doesn't like chocolate so that is out. I thought about buying her a small pistol but that might imply i bought the gift more for me.
I guess i got lucky because she has to work Saturday. That means i will only see her for about an hour before she goes to work that night. Hopefully i can manage an hour without saying something stupid and getting myself in the doghouse on Valentines day.
I asked her what she would like and she told me whatever i got would be good. How is that for a setup for failure? She wants to see if i step on my dick i think. I've decide to go big or go home. I will rock this holiday or crash and burn. No time for mediocrity here. An impression must be made. I will formulate a plan of attack and stick to it. I will prevail.
I was going to have roses delivered to the hospital but she told me she didn't like that idea. This is going to require me to think outside of the box. I think i have a plan, what do you think?
She has to work Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. I was going to go into her house Friday night while she is at work. I am thinking about hiding her gift, a pearl bracelet, and then leaving post it notes strategically located in the house to lead her to it.
I will prevail.
What do you get your fiance? I thought about lingerie but what does that imply? I give you this so you can make me happy? I don't think that will fly.
She doesn't like chocolate so that is out. I thought about buying her a small pistol but that might imply i bought the gift more for me.
I guess i got lucky because she has to work Saturday. That means i will only see her for about an hour before she goes to work that night. Hopefully i can manage an hour without saying something stupid and getting myself in the doghouse on Valentines day.
I asked her what she would like and she told me whatever i got would be good. How is that for a setup for failure? She wants to see if i step on my dick i think. I've decide to go big or go home. I will rock this holiday or crash and burn. No time for mediocrity here. An impression must be made. I will formulate a plan of attack and stick to it. I will prevail.
I was going to have roses delivered to the hospital but she told me she didn't like that idea. This is going to require me to think outside of the box. I think i have a plan, what do you think?
She has to work Friday, Saturday and Sunday night. I was going to go into her house Friday night while she is at work. I am thinking about hiding her gift, a pearl bracelet, and then leaving post it notes strategically located in the house to lead her to it.
I will prevail.
09 February 2009
Upgraded
i decided to upgrade my life. I recently went from Girlfriend 3.0 to Fiance 1.0
The cost of the upgrade is astronomical. I found that when upgrading to Fiance 1.0 the currency changes from US dollars to Carat Weight. In this particular instance, the more weight the better. You must also apply the Gold Standard.
I debated on this issue for a while. After talking with friends and family it became clear to me that i was "institutionalized" and really didn't know how to act as a single man.
Seriously though, since she has been in my life, my life has been a lot better. So i am now engaged and the date is later this year. Our date is tentative as we have to go through the process of the Catholic church and that takes time. We decided to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon. Trivia question: Do you know why honeymoons are 6 days long? 7 days makes a hole weak. LOL
Which brings me to a new topic, Dating when your engaged.
When your just dating, you can get away with a lot of mistakes. When your engaged it seems dating becomes a test. For example: If you're sent to the video store to rent/buy a movie and she tells you to decide what to buy, you are embarking on a defining moment in your life. Take your time, call a friend of the opposite sex and get advice. Your ass best not show up with a shootem and killem movie or you have flunked. Me, i come back with an action movie for myself and Fireproof for us. You can say it, i know i am GOOD!!!!
I suggest planting listening devices throughout her house so you can hear her talking on the phone to her friends and find out what little adjustments you need to make. For Example: Just because you're engaged, it doesn't give you farting rights. I know it may come as a shocker to some but when you feel the urge, walk outside.
When you're engaged, the questions that you are asked have a hell of a lot more depth to them. For example: When you are just casually dating, any reply will usually suffice. She really doesn't want your opinion, she just wants to talk. When engaged and she tells you that a co-worker got her ass beat by her current boyfriend, the correct answer is not - Well i met her and can see why someone would tune her up. Playing it off as you were just joking, a very hard sell. Lesson Learned: Bash that sumbitch and swear that any man who acts like that should be horse whipped and then apologize for all men everywhere.
Another observation i have found is that city women are not used to a country boy's way of doing things. She had some box hedges planted in front of her house. She paid some landscaper to cut them down. He cut them and left the stumps in the ground and the stumps are already sprouting new growth. She tells me that she needs to remove the stumps. She offered to rent a stump grinder and i looked at her and told not to worry about it. i would have the stumps out by tomorrow night. She told me where her shovel and pick where at and i looked at her with this dumb look. I told her i would bring my own tools.
The next day i show up with my Dually and a chain. I back into her driveway jump out and hook the chain up. She realized what i was going to do about the time i got back in the truck. She almost fainted. After i pulled out the stump, she was amazed at how easy it was. She was worried it might pull up a sprinkler line or something. I told her not to worry about it cause i can fix anything i break. By the time the job was done she was driving my truck pulling the stumps and had me shagging the chain. I must say that there isn't anything cuter than a little bitty women in a big ole dually pulling stumps.
The cost of the upgrade is astronomical. I found that when upgrading to Fiance 1.0 the currency changes from US dollars to Carat Weight. In this particular instance, the more weight the better. You must also apply the Gold Standard.
I debated on this issue for a while. After talking with friends and family it became clear to me that i was "institutionalized" and really didn't know how to act as a single man.
Seriously though, since she has been in my life, my life has been a lot better. So i am now engaged and the date is later this year. Our date is tentative as we have to go through the process of the Catholic church and that takes time. We decided to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon. Trivia question: Do you know why honeymoons are 6 days long? 7 days makes a hole weak. LOL
Which brings me to a new topic, Dating when your engaged.
When your just dating, you can get away with a lot of mistakes. When your engaged it seems dating becomes a test. For example: If you're sent to the video store to rent/buy a movie and she tells you to decide what to buy, you are embarking on a defining moment in your life. Take your time, call a friend of the opposite sex and get advice. Your ass best not show up with a shootem and killem movie or you have flunked. Me, i come back with an action movie for myself and Fireproof for us. You can say it, i know i am GOOD!!!!
I suggest planting listening devices throughout her house so you can hear her talking on the phone to her friends and find out what little adjustments you need to make. For Example: Just because you're engaged, it doesn't give you farting rights. I know it may come as a shocker to some but when you feel the urge, walk outside.
When you're engaged, the questions that you are asked have a hell of a lot more depth to them. For example: When you are just casually dating, any reply will usually suffice. She really doesn't want your opinion, she just wants to talk. When engaged and she tells you that a co-worker got her ass beat by her current boyfriend, the correct answer is not - Well i met her and can see why someone would tune her up. Playing it off as you were just joking, a very hard sell. Lesson Learned: Bash that sumbitch and swear that any man who acts like that should be horse whipped and then apologize for all men everywhere.
Another observation i have found is that city women are not used to a country boy's way of doing things. She had some box hedges planted in front of her house. She paid some landscaper to cut them down. He cut them and left the stumps in the ground and the stumps are already sprouting new growth. She tells me that she needs to remove the stumps. She offered to rent a stump grinder and i looked at her and told not to worry about it. i would have the stumps out by tomorrow night. She told me where her shovel and pick where at and i looked at her with this dumb look. I told her i would bring my own tools.
The next day i show up with my Dually and a chain. I back into her driveway jump out and hook the chain up. She realized what i was going to do about the time i got back in the truck. She almost fainted. After i pulled out the stump, she was amazed at how easy it was. She was worried it might pull up a sprinkler line or something. I told her not to worry about it cause i can fix anything i break. By the time the job was done she was driving my truck pulling the stumps and had me shagging the chain. I must say that there isn't anything cuter than a little bitty women in a big ole dually pulling stumps.
Monday Funny
A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
‘That’s unfair!’ he cried. ‘I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.’
‘Shut up,’ barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
‘Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?
As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
‘That’s unfair!’ he cried. ‘I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.’
‘Shut up,’ barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.
‘Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?
03 February 2009
Sometimes i just get lucky
My salesman asked me if i wanted to go to Carlsbad NM with him on a sales call. I respond with the typical Hell No, I didn't loose nothing in New Mexico. After a few rounds of verbal intercourse we decide i really should go.
We are tooling along and going thru Jal NM and we headed North West on the Carlsbad Highway. This particular highway is two lanes through the shit country of New Mexico. The speed limit is 65 mph and so i decided to make up some time. I put the pedal to the floor and was cruising pretty good. My salesman was on the phone arguing with some lawyer over a traffic accident and i was really just day dreaming and not paying attention to anything.
There is absolutely no scenery on this highway. The road runs between two ranches and all you have to watch for is cows and buzzards. There was a truck about 1/2 mile ahead of me and i was keeping pace with him. About this time a car tops the hill in front of me coming towards me. I wasn't really looking until the flashing lights came on. I felt my heart sink.
I told my salesman to hang up because i was going to jail. He asked what the speed limit was and i told him i didn't know. The cop turns around and proceeds to chase us down. I am a firm believer that a cop will have to get right behind me for me too pull over. Anything else is an admission of guilt.
He gets right on my bumper and i pull over. As he is walking to my truck i pull out my drivers license and CCW permit. I am sitting there with this pissed off look on my face and my salesman is asking if i wore clean underwear cause bubba likes his bitches clean. He wouldn't shut up about me going to jail. He thought it was funny, i didn't.
The cop walks up and says " I clocked you at 94 MPH and that yahoo ahead of you at 91 MPH"
I say " We were fighting for the pole'
He looks at me like "I can't believe he said that" and requested my drivers license, insurance and registration. Very politely i remind him that Texas doesn't require us to carry registration so i do not have that. He nods and looks at my CCW license and ask 'What's this?"
I respond " By law i am required to declare that i have a CCW license and let you know whether or not i am packing sir"
He says " Are you packing son?"
I say " Yes sir, it would be a waste to have a permit and not carry"
"What are you packing?"
Sig P220 .45 i say
He ask where it is and i tell him. He ask to look at it and i show him. We get to talking about gun laws, guns, reciprocity and come to find out he is a constable.
He turn out to be a pretty nice guy and then he ask "If i let you off, will you slow it down?"
I say " Do you have any friends coming behind you?"
He says " I might"
I say " I'll slow it down"
We have a good laugh and he sends me on my way. I am smiling like i just won a blue ribbon and my salesman can not believe that i got out of 94 in a 65 without a ticket or a written warning. We stopped at the next town and bought lottery tickets. Obviously i didn't win, the lottery that is.
We are tooling along and going thru Jal NM and we headed North West on the Carlsbad Highway. This particular highway is two lanes through the shit country of New Mexico. The speed limit is 65 mph and so i decided to make up some time. I put the pedal to the floor and was cruising pretty good. My salesman was on the phone arguing with some lawyer over a traffic accident and i was really just day dreaming and not paying attention to anything.
There is absolutely no scenery on this highway. The road runs between two ranches and all you have to watch for is cows and buzzards. There was a truck about 1/2 mile ahead of me and i was keeping pace with him. About this time a car tops the hill in front of me coming towards me. I wasn't really looking until the flashing lights came on. I felt my heart sink.
I told my salesman to hang up because i was going to jail. He asked what the speed limit was and i told him i didn't know. The cop turns around and proceeds to chase us down. I am a firm believer that a cop will have to get right behind me for me too pull over. Anything else is an admission of guilt.
He gets right on my bumper and i pull over. As he is walking to my truck i pull out my drivers license and CCW permit. I am sitting there with this pissed off look on my face and my salesman is asking if i wore clean underwear cause bubba likes his bitches clean. He wouldn't shut up about me going to jail. He thought it was funny, i didn't.
The cop walks up and says " I clocked you at 94 MPH and that yahoo ahead of you at 91 MPH"
I say " We were fighting for the pole'
He looks at me like "I can't believe he said that" and requested my drivers license, insurance and registration. Very politely i remind him that Texas doesn't require us to carry registration so i do not have that. He nods and looks at my CCW license and ask 'What's this?"
I respond " By law i am required to declare that i have a CCW license and let you know whether or not i am packing sir"
He says " Are you packing son?"
I say " Yes sir, it would be a waste to have a permit and not carry"
"What are you packing?"
Sig P220 .45 i say
He ask where it is and i tell him. He ask to look at it and i show him. We get to talking about gun laws, guns, reciprocity and come to find out he is a constable.
He turn out to be a pretty nice guy and then he ask "If i let you off, will you slow it down?"
I say " Do you have any friends coming behind you?"
He says " I might"
I say " I'll slow it down"
We have a good laugh and he sends me on my way. I am smiling like i just won a blue ribbon and my salesman can not believe that i got out of 94 in a 65 without a ticket or a written warning. We stopped at the next town and bought lottery tickets. Obviously i didn't win, the lottery that is.
It was a nice Fall night. The leaves were falling and the wind had a bit of a chill in it. It wasn't cold yet but you could tell winter was coming up on us. He was sitting at home bored with nothing to do. His buddy called him and told him of a mutual friend who was in the hospital. He debated on whether or not to go visit him.
He hated hospitals. He had spent many a night in the hospitals with his departed wife. He knew that people need to have visitors but he didn't like doing it. He decided he would go just for no other reason than boredom.
He loaded up and set off for Odessa. It was a 20 mile drive and his mind kept going back to the women he had dated. Since his wife had passed he tried the dating thing but nothing ever worked out. They all had too many issues for him to deal with. One of the women had some promise and he dated her twice. It never made it past the second date. He was honest about it. If the woman asked if he would call them, he simply said no, he was not interested.
Maybe he expected too much or the women just didn't measure up to his standards, either way he was tired of it and decided to just be single. One women offered to ride him like a Harley on a piece of rough road. That scared him. At least being single he didn't have to answer to anybody. He could come and go as he pleased. All this sounded good to him. He didn't mind being alone, he has always enjoyed his solitude. He planned to enroll in college and just enjoy his spare time. Life was good.
He was driving around the hospital and found a nice parking spot by the power plant. He is walking into the hospital when he spots the most beautiful women he has ever seen. She is wearing scrubs and has her hair in a long ponytail. She is about 5'5" tall and 120 pounds. She walks like she is the queen of the hospital. She is walking towards the exit door and he stops her and ask for directions.
After he ask for directions she said " You aren't from around here are you?"
"No ma-am, i am from Louisiana"
"Oh, Are you french?"
"No, but i kiss that way"
She starts laughing and they start talking. She used to live in the Baton Rouge area and she thought Cajun men were very sweet. He has driven through Baton Rouge and is a Cajun, that was enough to get them started.
He stayed at the hospital until 0130 that morning and never did go visit his friend. They went out the next night and hit it off. They have been together ever since and it gets better every day.
It's funny how when you least expect it, things just happen.
He hated hospitals. He had spent many a night in the hospitals with his departed wife. He knew that people need to have visitors but he didn't like doing it. He decided he would go just for no other reason than boredom.
He loaded up and set off for Odessa. It was a 20 mile drive and his mind kept going back to the women he had dated. Since his wife had passed he tried the dating thing but nothing ever worked out. They all had too many issues for him to deal with. One of the women had some promise and he dated her twice. It never made it past the second date. He was honest about it. If the woman asked if he would call them, he simply said no, he was not interested.
Maybe he expected too much or the women just didn't measure up to his standards, either way he was tired of it and decided to just be single. One women offered to ride him like a Harley on a piece of rough road. That scared him. At least being single he didn't have to answer to anybody. He could come and go as he pleased. All this sounded good to him. He didn't mind being alone, he has always enjoyed his solitude. He planned to enroll in college and just enjoy his spare time. Life was good.
He was driving around the hospital and found a nice parking spot by the power plant. He is walking into the hospital when he spots the most beautiful women he has ever seen. She is wearing scrubs and has her hair in a long ponytail. She is about 5'5" tall and 120 pounds. She walks like she is the queen of the hospital. She is walking towards the exit door and he stops her and ask for directions.
After he ask for directions she said " You aren't from around here are you?"
"No ma-am, i am from Louisiana"
"Oh, Are you french?"
"No, but i kiss that way"
She starts laughing and they start talking. She used to live in the Baton Rouge area and she thought Cajun men were very sweet. He has driven through Baton Rouge and is a Cajun, that was enough to get them started.
He stayed at the hospital until 0130 that morning and never did go visit his friend. They went out the next night and hit it off. They have been together ever since and it gets better every day.
It's funny how when you least expect it, things just happen.
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