16 June 2009
The Man Test
1. If you are over forty and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez you're so queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, ring pops, baby pacifiers or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet or tits. Anything else and you are a homo in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'decaf soy latte'. If you've put a decaf soy latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger or hold his beer.
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeez you're so queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, ring pops, baby pacifiers or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet or tits. Anything else and you are a homo in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'decaf soy latte'. If you've put a decaf soy latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger or hold his beer.
12 June 2009
Summer classes for women
Summer Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETEDby Thursday, May 28, 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVELOF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?Round Table Discussion.Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?Examples on Video.Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginningat 7:00 PM
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the ProgramHelp Line Support and Support Groups.Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?Open Forum.Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.Driving Simulations...4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.Live Demonstration.Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
11 June 2009
obamanomics explained
It is a slow day in the East Texas town of Madisonville.
It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich tourist from the East is driving through town.
He enters the only hotel in the sleepy town and lays a hundred dollar bill on the desk stating he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
As soon as the man walks up the stairs, the hotel proprietor takes the hundred dollar bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to pay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer then takes the $100 and heads off to pay his debt to the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has lately had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel and pays off her debt with the $100 to the hotel proprietor, paying for the rooms that she had rented when she brought clients to that establishment.
The hotel proprietor then lays the $100 bill back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler from the East walks back down the stairs, after inspecting the rooms.
He picks up the $100 bill and states that the rooms are not satisfactory...... Pockets the money and walks out the door and leaves town.
No one earned anything.
However the whole town is now out of debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.
If that doesn't scare the hell out of you, then I don't know what will.
It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich tourist from the East is driving through town.
He enters the only hotel in the sleepy town and lays a hundred dollar bill on the desk stating he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
As soon as the man walks up the stairs, the hotel proprietor takes the hundred dollar bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to pay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer then takes the $100 and heads off to pay his debt to the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has lately had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel and pays off her debt with the $100 to the hotel proprietor, paying for the rooms that she had rented when she brought clients to that establishment.
The hotel proprietor then lays the $100 bill back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler from the East walks back down the stairs, after inspecting the rooms.
He picks up the $100 bill and states that the rooms are not satisfactory...... Pockets the money and walks out the door and leaves town.
No one earned anything.
However the whole town is now out of debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.
If that doesn't scare the hell out of you, then I don't know what will.
08 June 2009
George Tiller was shot down
As we have all heard, George Tiller was gunned down while attending church. Church, what an unlikely place that a late term abortion doctor would be attending.
George Tiller proclaimed "more experience in late abortion services over 24 weeks than anyone else currently practicing in the Western Hemisphere, Europe and Australia."
I would love to know why the Reformation Lutheran Church would allow this man into their ranks. He KILLS BABYS WITH OVER 24 WEEKS GESTATION!
I hear people talking about how wrong it was for Scott Roeder to take the life of Tiller. I am not sure i agree with that. It is a means to an end.
Hell, we as a country went after Hitler for killing people. We as a country went after Osama Bin laden for killing people. Why shouldn't we as a country go after abortion doctors. They have killed over 45 million unborn Americans. Doesn't this number seem alarming?
Tiller specialized in late term abortions, that is after 24 weeks gestation. Even the die hard pro-choicers have to admit that killing an unborn at 24 weeks gestation is murder? Right?
Whether or not you agree with Scott Roeder, you have to admit that he did this country a favor. I don't condone the murder of Tiller but i also don't condone the murder of unborn children. Tiller lived by the sword so he died by the sword. It is sad that he had to die but look at how many lives his death has saved.
George Tiller proclaimed "more experience in late abortion services over 24 weeks than anyone else currently practicing in the Western Hemisphere, Europe and Australia."
I would love to know why the Reformation Lutheran Church would allow this man into their ranks. He KILLS BABYS WITH OVER 24 WEEKS GESTATION!
I hear people talking about how wrong it was for Scott Roeder to take the life of Tiller. I am not sure i agree with that. It is a means to an end.
Hell, we as a country went after Hitler for killing people. We as a country went after Osama Bin laden for killing people. Why shouldn't we as a country go after abortion doctors. They have killed over 45 million unborn Americans. Doesn't this number seem alarming?
Tiller specialized in late term abortions, that is after 24 weeks gestation. Even the die hard pro-choicers have to admit that killing an unborn at 24 weeks gestation is murder? Right?
Whether or not you agree with Scott Roeder, you have to admit that he did this country a favor. I don't condone the murder of Tiller but i also don't condone the murder of unborn children. Tiller lived by the sword so he died by the sword. It is sad that he had to die but look at how many lives his death has saved.
Getting my ass kicked
I have to tell you that i am officially getting my ass kicked. As many know i have been taking online classes in pursuit of my degree. I am in my third semester. I was taking ten hours per semester for the first two and managed to maintain a 4.0. This semester i dropped to one class because it is math.
High school in Southwest Louisiana teaches math1,2 and 3. I never took algebra or any advanced math classes. I am paying for that now. They are talking about shit i have never heard of and to top it off, i have no idea how it would apply to the real world.
So as i have been struggling with this class it got me to thinking about online college versus regular classes. True that online you may be able to cheat and no one would know, but it is a lot harder online than i would have ever thought.
Instead of asking the professor to explain it, i have to look it up and teach myself. For someone with basic math skills to learn this stuff in one semester is quite difficult. I am spending a lot of time doing recreational mathematics to stay ahead of the curve. It sucks.
I did call my instructor to help me out when i got really bogged down but that didn't do too much for me. Maybe if i had left my smart ass mouth out of the conversation, it would have gone better.
Professor got frustrated with me when i couldn't grasp the distributive properties of math. He then let me know that i had about a 4th grade math level and would struggle in this class. It was at this point i should have shut up, but i couldn't.
I simply replied " No shit Sherlock, not only do you have a better understanding of this crap than me but you also have a uncanny way of stating the obvious. So Mr. Obvious, what are we gonna do to get me through this mess?
Come to find out this is my problem and not his. Well Duh!!
We, as the professor said, reached a point of diminishing returns. Funny how when your temper is flared, you tend to cease learning. So we tried again another day.
In the end the professor has gotten me through it. We have actually kind of become friends and he helps me out a lot. He realized that my math skills are basic and so he slows it down for me to catch up. He likes the fact that i am self aware and call it like i see it. I like the fact that he is will ing to answer the phone whenever i call.
At one time i would have dismissed an online degree and ranked it with the GED. Now after having to learn this basically on my own, i realize that an online degree can in some situations be harder to obtain than an actual brick and mortar style education.
Peace out and have a good day.
High school in Southwest Louisiana teaches math1,2 and 3. I never took algebra or any advanced math classes. I am paying for that now. They are talking about shit i have never heard of and to top it off, i have no idea how it would apply to the real world.
So as i have been struggling with this class it got me to thinking about online college versus regular classes. True that online you may be able to cheat and no one would know, but it is a lot harder online than i would have ever thought.
Instead of asking the professor to explain it, i have to look it up and teach myself. For someone with basic math skills to learn this stuff in one semester is quite difficult. I am spending a lot of time doing recreational mathematics to stay ahead of the curve. It sucks.
I did call my instructor to help me out when i got really bogged down but that didn't do too much for me. Maybe if i had left my smart ass mouth out of the conversation, it would have gone better.
Professor got frustrated with me when i couldn't grasp the distributive properties of math. He then let me know that i had about a 4th grade math level and would struggle in this class. It was at this point i should have shut up, but i couldn't.
I simply replied " No shit Sherlock, not only do you have a better understanding of this crap than me but you also have a uncanny way of stating the obvious. So Mr. Obvious, what are we gonna do to get me through this mess?
Come to find out this is my problem and not his. Well Duh!!
We, as the professor said, reached a point of diminishing returns. Funny how when your temper is flared, you tend to cease learning. So we tried again another day.
In the end the professor has gotten me through it. We have actually kind of become friends and he helps me out a lot. He realized that my math skills are basic and so he slows it down for me to catch up. He likes the fact that i am self aware and call it like i see it. I like the fact that he is will ing to answer the phone whenever i call.
At one time i would have dismissed an online degree and ranked it with the GED. Now after having to learn this basically on my own, i realize that an online degree can in some situations be harder to obtain than an actual brick and mortar style education.
Peace out and have a good day.
27 May 2009
Indecent exposure
The other day, I got pulled over by the police because my car didn’thave any hub caps on the tires. I said, “What’s the charge officer?”He said, “It’s Indecent Exposure.”I exclaimed, “Indecent exposure?”He said, “Yes! You can’t just ride around with your nuts showing!”
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