It's a beautiful day and i am enjoying my drive to Austin. I will be doing a presentation to a major Oil and Gas company on the new NSPS regulation changes governing leaking emissions. I have my presentation ready to go and my props loaded. I will have a good time.
about 1600 i check into here and started unpacking. The front desk informed me that we had a social gathering at 1830 in the club house.
I go to the clubhouse where we have drinks and dinner. After a dang fine dinner we are in the bar just shooting the breeze. As we are bullshitting about nothing i happen to mention that i can get the cork out of a wine bottle without breaking the cork or the bottle. Some bets were made and i had to prove i could do it.
To make a long story short, i couldn't get the cork out with the resources i had so i told them i would have it out before my presentation in the morning. I was told if i didn't have it i would have to do my presentation buck naked. Ha, i don't think so.
I go to the front desk and retrieve the appropriate materials to remove the cork from the bottle. I pull out the cork and head off to the swimming area to show them i got the cork out. As i am walking through the main bar i decided to stop in for a beer. When the innkeeper brought me the beer he asked about the wine bottle. I told him i could get the cork out without breaking either one of them. He grabs the bottle, shoves the cork down in it and hands it back and said he would like to see that. So there i am exactly where i was 1 hour ago trying to get the damn cork out of the bottle. Innkeeper says he will buy me a beer if i can get it out. Some lady sitting next me at the bar said she would do the same if i could get it out. I go back to the front desk to get more supplies and i return and pop the cork out the bottle. I got my two free beers and was sitting there feeling pretty cool.
The lady next to me starts asking questions. She ask where i am from and what i am doing at the resort. I answer all her questions and we go through some chit chat. I look at her and ask her what she came all the way from California to Austin for. She has this look of disbelief on her face. She said " How do you know i am from California?"
I was married to one of your kind. i can spot you in a crowd just like a diamond shining in a goats ass.
We sit there bullshitting and telling jokes. Come to find out she used to be a therapist. You know the touchy feely type that can solve all your problems. Then we start talking about Love and Marriage. I decide to have a little fun.
She ask "So do you think you will ever remarry?"
I see no real point in it. There is no benefit other than tax breaks.
Don't you want to be in Love again?
Love doesn't exist. It is just a frame of mind. Love has no tangible value.
I can't believe you feel that way. How can you not believe in Love?
Like i said, all Love ends in heartbreak. Love serves no purpose in this lifetime. We were put on this Earth to serve God, not anyone else. Love is a luxury not a necessity. The only necessities you need are food and water. After that everything is a luxury. Love is a burden that this society would be better off without. Animals and everything else procreate without love. Why do we need it?
Loving someone completes us. It gives meaning and purpose to our lives.
I am complete. I was designed that way. I do not need a woman to give me purpose. I sure hope you didn't try to sell this shit to your clients. I have to go now, have a great evening.
I get up to walk out and she ask for my number. I tell her "I'm in the book"
11 April 2008
06 April 2008
You ain't gonna believe this shit
So there i was, minding my own business. It starts out like a typical ghetto fairy tale, right?
So here is the scoop. Out here in West Texas they have an annual hoe down called the Ragin Cajun. It is a fundraiser for the Special Olympics. You pay $35 and it's all the boiled seafood you can eat. They have crawfish, crab legs, shrimp, corn, tators, and sausage. They also have an endless supply of keg beer to help quench your thirst. You can purchase a desert if you like. They also have a live auction, a silent auction and a souvenir table. It really isn't bad considering where it is at.
I get a call last week asking if the St. Stephen's Knights of Columbus can handle the cooking for the Ragin Cajun. We decided that we simply didn't have enough time to take on such a large undertaking but that we could support whoever had that manpower. The Local Boy Scout troop took on the task and we dedicated two bona fide connasses and lots of Knight to help out. We made a good showing.
We arrive at High Noon to help set up and recon how much seafood we had to cook. They had 400lbs of crawfish and i have no idea how much crab and shrimp. They had an 18 wheeler refrigerator truck standing by with the frozen stuff. We set up and need to be ready to start serving at 1600.
By 1500 most of us are good and primed and ready to rock and roll. We cook a pre-limenary batch of crawfish to make sure our pots are transferring heat correctly. We wanted to make sure the pots were calibrated just right considering this was the 1st major boil of the season. They are.
While waiting for the festivities to start, Eric (rocket man) and i are walking around admiring the scenery. As we are standing there this guy comes up and starts talking to us. He was doing a microphone check around the hangar bay. We were after all in the CAF museum. Come to find out it is Vince Vance of Vince Vance and the Valiants. So we talk to Vince about 1/2 hour drinking beer and having a good time. Rocket man ask Vince if he can open with the LSU fight song. Vince said he would have the Valiantettes ( Val Yun Ettes) in cheerleader outfits. Woo Hoo, looks like a fun evening.
Around 1600 the opening bands kicks off the evening and we are out back boiling the hell out of some crawfish. We are going after it when Vince Vance and the Valiantes come on at 2000. I go out front to enjoy the show with Tommy and Scott. Now if you have ever seen Vince Vance you know he changes costumes every other song and likes to drag people on-stage.
So there we were, minding our own business. Standing off to the side and i was having eye sex with the Valianettes. They were beautiful. In the distance i hear a sound that is faintly recognizable. I wasn't sure what it was but it reminded me of an 18 wheeler. As i am trying to ascertain what the horn sound was i hear the words Lake Charles mentioned on the band speakers. As i snap out of my day dream there is Vince grabbing my hand and dragging me on stage. I look for Tommy and Scott and they scattered like roaches when you turn on the lights.
Vince paired me up with one of the Valianettes to sing back up to "Under the Boardwalk" and then i knew what that sound was. Have you ever seen the movie Black Dog? It has Patrick Swayze who is a truck driver and he is overcome by the Black Dog? I was overcome by the Horn dog. I was bitten and smitten.
So there i am. Beered up wearing my Knights of Columbus apron and Knights of Columbus tee shirt. I was smelling like a bait shop and standing next to the most beautiful women i have ever seen (in 10 weeks). I don't know if it was Violet (that was her name) or the beer but i thought i could sing in front of God knows how many people. Actually i was told i did a fairly decent job. I have a naturally deep voice. I think my Brothers were funning with me.
After the song was over Vince had the girls introduce the guys he had drug on-stage. Violet introduced me as "The Cook" from Lake Charles. Never mind that i was 1 of 50 men out there cooking. I felt kinda bad about that but it passed.
After we were done cooking, Rocket man and myself were asked to man the souvenir booth. Remind me to tell you the story of two women who wanted some free beads. There is only 1 way to get free beads. Those who have been to Nawlins know how. They got free beads.
When the show was over, Rocket man and myself had some great photo shots with Vince and more importantly the Valianettes. I will post the pics when i get them developed.
I must say that this was one of the best nights i have had in a long time.
So here is the scoop. Out here in West Texas they have an annual hoe down called the Ragin Cajun. It is a fundraiser for the Special Olympics. You pay $35 and it's all the boiled seafood you can eat. They have crawfish, crab legs, shrimp, corn, tators, and sausage. They also have an endless supply of keg beer to help quench your thirst. You can purchase a desert if you like. They also have a live auction, a silent auction and a souvenir table. It really isn't bad considering where it is at.
I get a call last week asking if the St. Stephen's Knights of Columbus can handle the cooking for the Ragin Cajun. We decided that we simply didn't have enough time to take on such a large undertaking but that we could support whoever had that manpower. The Local Boy Scout troop took on the task and we dedicated two bona fide connasses and lots of Knight to help out. We made a good showing.
We arrive at High Noon to help set up and recon how much seafood we had to cook. They had 400lbs of crawfish and i have no idea how much crab and shrimp. They had an 18 wheeler refrigerator truck standing by with the frozen stuff. We set up and need to be ready to start serving at 1600.
By 1500 most of us are good and primed and ready to rock and roll. We cook a pre-limenary batch of crawfish to make sure our pots are transferring heat correctly. We wanted to make sure the pots were calibrated just right considering this was the 1st major boil of the season. They are.
While waiting for the festivities to start, Eric (rocket man) and i are walking around admiring the scenery. As we are standing there this guy comes up and starts talking to us. He was doing a microphone check around the hangar bay. We were after all in the CAF museum. Come to find out it is Vince Vance of Vince Vance and the Valiants. So we talk to Vince about 1/2 hour drinking beer and having a good time. Rocket man ask Vince if he can open with the LSU fight song. Vince said he would have the Valiantettes ( Val Yun Ettes) in cheerleader outfits. Woo Hoo, looks like a fun evening.
Around 1600 the opening bands kicks off the evening and we are out back boiling the hell out of some crawfish. We are going after it when Vince Vance and the Valiantes come on at 2000. I go out front to enjoy the show with Tommy and Scott. Now if you have ever seen Vince Vance you know he changes costumes every other song and likes to drag people on-stage.
So there we were, minding our own business. Standing off to the side and i was having eye sex with the Valianettes. They were beautiful. In the distance i hear a sound that is faintly recognizable. I wasn't sure what it was but it reminded me of an 18 wheeler. As i am trying to ascertain what the horn sound was i hear the words Lake Charles mentioned on the band speakers. As i snap out of my day dream there is Vince grabbing my hand and dragging me on stage. I look for Tommy and Scott and they scattered like roaches when you turn on the lights.
Vince paired me up with one of the Valianettes to sing back up to "Under the Boardwalk" and then i knew what that sound was. Have you ever seen the movie Black Dog? It has Patrick Swayze who is a truck driver and he is overcome by the Black Dog? I was overcome by the Horn dog. I was bitten and smitten.
So there i am. Beered up wearing my Knights of Columbus apron and Knights of Columbus tee shirt. I was smelling like a bait shop and standing next to the most beautiful women i have ever seen (in 10 weeks). I don't know if it was Violet (that was her name) or the beer but i thought i could sing in front of God knows how many people. Actually i was told i did a fairly decent job. I have a naturally deep voice. I think my Brothers were funning with me.
After the song was over Vince had the girls introduce the guys he had drug on-stage. Violet introduced me as "The Cook" from Lake Charles. Never mind that i was 1 of 50 men out there cooking. I felt kinda bad about that but it passed.
After we were done cooking, Rocket man and myself were asked to man the souvenir booth. Remind me to tell you the story of two women who wanted some free beads. There is only 1 way to get free beads. Those who have been to Nawlins know how. They got free beads.
When the show was over, Rocket man and myself had some great photo shots with Vince and more importantly the Valianettes. I will post the pics when i get them developed.
I must say that this was one of the best nights i have had in a long time.
04 April 2008
Original Homeland Security Team
THE ORIGINAL HOMELAND SECURITY TEAM!
ASK THESE GUYS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T CONTROL IMMIGRATION
Rabbit Man
One afternoon my buddy Mark calls me and ask if I'm interested in doing a little varmint hunting. I reply heck yea and Mark tells me to call Eric, who will be later called Rocket man, and Eric agrees and off we go on a fun filled event of hunting and talking smack.
When i talk about varmint hunting it may not be what you are thinking. We don't just sit around and wait for coyotes or bobcats. We drive around looking for them and blowing rabbits away while we are looking for the coyotes and bobcats.
It is about 2200 and we are driving down a plow road next to a cotton field. Mark had just bought a brand spankin new .204 stainless rifle and was itching to blow something away. Mark got his wish. About 100yds down the cotton row there is a huge jack rabbit.
I am driving the truck and Mark and Eric are in the back shooting anything that moves. Mark hollers to stop when he sees that huge jack down the cotton row. I stop and Mark takes the shot. A beautiful shot in the head. The jack just rolls over dead.
Mark ask me to go down the row and retrieve the jack. I bebop down the row and grab the dead jack. i am carrying the jack by his hind legs and his bloody dangling head is dragging the ground. Mark shot him in the neck and there was a little flap of skin holding the head on. As i near the truck i was about 10 yds from them. Mark and Eric are shining the jack to see the damage and of course being the friends that they are they are shining my face as well with 3 million candlepower spotlights.
So i start swinging the jack back and forth like i am about to throw it at them. They shined my face some more and Eric shouted "I dare You". I chunk ed that jack with an extremely high arc. My plan was to make the jack land in the back of the truck and make a mess. As i tossed the jack, Mark and Eric hunkered down as close to the back of the cab as they could get. As they were hunkering down trying to spot the dead flying rabbit, it landed perfectly on Mark's shoulders like a scarf. The weight of the jack caused it to wrap around his neck and the dangling head smacked him on the cheek and in the mouth. Mark dang near freaked out.
Mark threw the jack off of him and was trying to get the blood off his face but ended up smearing it everywhere. Eric was laughing so hard he fell out of the back of the truck. I was rolling on the ground laughing and i couldn't stop. All this laughing was pissing Mark off. Mark was shouting that he was going to get the bubonic plague and rabbit aids. He swore that if he caught any disease he would hunt us down and snipe us. We simply couldn't stop laughing at Marks ranting. Mark just kept getting madder.
After Mark used up all our water trying to get the blood and guts off of him, he decided it was time to go. I am not sure if he talked to us on the way home and Eric and I just couldn't stop laughing. This happened about 3 years ago and the three of us has not been hunting together since.
When i talk about varmint hunting it may not be what you are thinking. We don't just sit around and wait for coyotes or bobcats. We drive around looking for them and blowing rabbits away while we are looking for the coyotes and bobcats.
It is about 2200 and we are driving down a plow road next to a cotton field. Mark had just bought a brand spankin new .204 stainless rifle and was itching to blow something away. Mark got his wish. About 100yds down the cotton row there is a huge jack rabbit.
I am driving the truck and Mark and Eric are in the back shooting anything that moves. Mark hollers to stop when he sees that huge jack down the cotton row. I stop and Mark takes the shot. A beautiful shot in the head. The jack just rolls over dead.
Mark ask me to go down the row and retrieve the jack. I bebop down the row and grab the dead jack. i am carrying the jack by his hind legs and his bloody dangling head is dragging the ground. Mark shot him in the neck and there was a little flap of skin holding the head on. As i near the truck i was about 10 yds from them. Mark and Eric are shining the jack to see the damage and of course being the friends that they are they are shining my face as well with 3 million candlepower spotlights.
So i start swinging the jack back and forth like i am about to throw it at them. They shined my face some more and Eric shouted "I dare You". I chunk ed that jack with an extremely high arc. My plan was to make the jack land in the back of the truck and make a mess. As i tossed the jack, Mark and Eric hunkered down as close to the back of the cab as they could get. As they were hunkering down trying to spot the dead flying rabbit, it landed perfectly on Mark's shoulders like a scarf. The weight of the jack caused it to wrap around his neck and the dangling head smacked him on the cheek and in the mouth. Mark dang near freaked out.
Mark threw the jack off of him and was trying to get the blood off his face but ended up smearing it everywhere. Eric was laughing so hard he fell out of the back of the truck. I was rolling on the ground laughing and i couldn't stop. All this laughing was pissing Mark off. Mark was shouting that he was going to get the bubonic plague and rabbit aids. He swore that if he caught any disease he would hunt us down and snipe us. We simply couldn't stop laughing at Marks ranting. Mark just kept getting madder.
After Mark used up all our water trying to get the blood and guts off of him, he decided it was time to go. I am not sure if he talked to us on the way home and Eric and I just couldn't stop laughing. This happened about 3 years ago and the three of us has not been hunting together since.
02 April 2008
Refresher Course
"Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not."
~ Thomas Jefferson
FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE
1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Colt: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c)1791. All Rights Reserved.
11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
14. Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.
15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control
them.
22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.
23. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
"Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist.
" IF YOU DON'T STAND BEHIND OUR TROOPS, PLEASE, FEEL FREE TO STAND IN FRONT OF THEM !!!
~ Thomas Jefferson
FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE
1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
3. Colt: The original point and click interface.
4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.
9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
10. The United States Constitution (c)1791. All Rights Reserved.
11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.
13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
14. Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.
15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.
16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.
20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control
them.
22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.
23. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.
24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
"Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist.
" IF YOU DON'T STAND BEHIND OUR TROOPS, PLEASE, FEEL FREE TO STAND IN FRONT OF THEM !!!
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