Ring ring, ring ring
"Hello, Big Sexy here"
"Yes, i am trying to contact Mr. Ray about an exclusive credit card offer from Chase, is Mr. ray in?"
"You got him. What kind of exclusive credit card offer?"
"We are offering a credit card with $32K limit, no annual fee and 0 interest until 2009. Is this something you might be interested in?"
"Damn skippy, I'm in. what do i have to do?"
"Well sir, this credit card is for business owners. Are you a business owner?"
"How did you get my number?"
"We pulled it from a list provided to Chase"
"I would assume that the list is of business owners, am i right?"
"Yes sir"
"Then i guess i own my own business. Is this conversation going to be full of dumb questions?"
"No sir, i apologize for that. What is the name of your company?"
"Doesn't it say on the list with my name and number?"
"No sir it doesn't, i need the name of your company to proceed sir"
"Ray Incorporated, Ray Inc for short"
"And Mr. Ray, what kind of business is this?"
"We are a service company"
"What type of service sir?"
"We sale drugs to kids"
"Excuse me, sale drugs to kids?"
"Yea, did you say the limit was $32K? I need a new van. The cops know mine when they see it. For that kind of cabbage i can buy several used vans and rotate them out to keep the pigs confused"
"Sir, i can not issue a credit card to a drug dealer"
"Why not, my money not good enough for you?"
"No sir, Drug Dealing is not a legitimate business"
"Yes it is"
'How is drug dealing a legitimate business?"
"I pay taxes on the drugs i push to the kids"
"I'm sorry, you pay taxes on the drugs?"
"Absolutely. When me and my posse go out and buy the raw materials for cooking meth, we must pay taxes on the supplies. A whole seller doesn't pay taxes on raw materials but on the finished product. I simply pay taxes on the materials and not on the finished product. If i am paying taxes then i am supporting the government thusly legitimizing my business. Now, where is my card?"
"Sir, i can hardly say that......."
"Excuse me, i am not interested in having a debate with you about my business. It is after all, my business and not yours. I don't answer to you, your not a stock holder nor an employee so i do not have to explain myself to you. If you disagree with the laws, call your representative. You called me, i have a business, i meet your prerequisites, now i want my damn card!!"
"Sir, i can not authorize......."
"Apparently you don't have the authority to wipe your ass. Why don't you get your supervisor on the phone and let me talk to someone who can in fact make a decision. I don't have the time or the energy to deal with underlings"
"Sir, my supervisor is busy at the moment and ....."
"Look bitch, i ain't got time to Fu** with you. How about i send a couple of hard pipe hittin niggas over there to get medieval on your ass? The motherfuc**** will tear your ass from your..........."
The line went dead. She hung up on me. I was just starting to get into character and she hung up. Damn, can't even have fun with telemarketers anymore.
30 April 2008
29 April 2008
How many people share your name?
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25 April 2008
Helping out your brothers
It was late one evening when the pagers go off. The chimes indicated an Ambulance Assist. The dispatcher sent out the address. Most fireman do not go to an ambulance assist. It usually is the EMS crew needs help retrieving a body. I had to go. I was an officer.
We grab the Engine and take off to the address. The house was old. When we went in we found it belonged to an elderly man who was an obvious pack rat. There was stuff pile up in every room of the house from floor to ceiling. There were paths through the junk so you could walk. We couldn't negotiate the paths with slipping and falling. We figured it would be hard to move the stretcher through all that stuff.
The man was in the living room. He couldn't afford to heat the whole house so he cordoned off the living room and had one hell of a space heater going in there. It was hot enough to make you sweat in the middle of a Pennsylvania winter, which is where we were.
The living room had stuff pile from floor to ceiling, a TV, a couch, reading materials and a handicrapper. The old man was in the sitting position on the couch with his pants around his ankles. We assumed he made his way to the porta-shitter and when he got back on the couch he simply passed away. We guesstimated that he died 6-8 days before he was found. The smell in the room was foul. We opened the doors and busted a window to ventilate. We also decided to extricate through the busted window.
The EMS crew wanted help putting the body in a body bag. We told them that was "Their Job", we were here to help haul the body out. They couldn't manipulate the body very well and asked for suggestions. Our fearless Captain told them " Lay the body straight out on the couch. Put the body bag on the floor beside the couch and roll the body into the bag". A few of us looked at each other like they were crazy. As you know a body bag will not lie open on a floor. Some how two of us was made to hold the bag open at each end. The Paramedic reaches over and rolls the body off the couch. Worst mistake of my life.
When the body hit the floor it busted open spilling all the inside stuff to the outside. It spilled out of the bag and the smell is indescribable. We got sick and puked right there in the living room. We were all scrambling try to navigate the little paths to get out of the house. The stinch would overtake us and someone would puke in the path. It seemed like it took forever to get out of that house. I have never experienced anything like that in my life.
We are all gathered around the fire truck with a decomposing body in a little house with no one wanting to go back in there. It took the Chief to threaten us with blackmail to get us back in that house. The guys were putting Vicks and everything else under their noses to help kill the smell. They are going back in the house and i ain't moved. They asked if i was coming. I said hell no. Chief can call my wife, I'm clean.
After about 5 minutes and them boys gagging their asses off, me and a buddy don our SCBA and walk into the living room like nothing happened. When the other guys saw us you could see them get mad for not thinking about the airpaks. The looks on their faces was worth it.
We extricated the body and went home. It took days to get that smell out of my head and to wash it off my body. I never want to go through that again.
We grab the Engine and take off to the address. The house was old. When we went in we found it belonged to an elderly man who was an obvious pack rat. There was stuff pile up in every room of the house from floor to ceiling. There were paths through the junk so you could walk. We couldn't negotiate the paths with slipping and falling. We figured it would be hard to move the stretcher through all that stuff.
The man was in the living room. He couldn't afford to heat the whole house so he cordoned off the living room and had one hell of a space heater going in there. It was hot enough to make you sweat in the middle of a Pennsylvania winter, which is where we were.
The living room had stuff pile from floor to ceiling, a TV, a couch, reading materials and a handicrapper. The old man was in the sitting position on the couch with his pants around his ankles. We assumed he made his way to the porta-shitter and when he got back on the couch he simply passed away. We guesstimated that he died 6-8 days before he was found. The smell in the room was foul. We opened the doors and busted a window to ventilate. We also decided to extricate through the busted window.
The EMS crew wanted help putting the body in a body bag. We told them that was "Their Job", we were here to help haul the body out. They couldn't manipulate the body very well and asked for suggestions. Our fearless Captain told them " Lay the body straight out on the couch. Put the body bag on the floor beside the couch and roll the body into the bag". A few of us looked at each other like they were crazy. As you know a body bag will not lie open on a floor. Some how two of us was made to hold the bag open at each end. The Paramedic reaches over and rolls the body off the couch. Worst mistake of my life.
When the body hit the floor it busted open spilling all the inside stuff to the outside. It spilled out of the bag and the smell is indescribable. We got sick and puked right there in the living room. We were all scrambling try to navigate the little paths to get out of the house. The stinch would overtake us and someone would puke in the path. It seemed like it took forever to get out of that house. I have never experienced anything like that in my life.
We are all gathered around the fire truck with a decomposing body in a little house with no one wanting to go back in there. It took the Chief to threaten us with blackmail to get us back in that house. The guys were putting Vicks and everything else under their noses to help kill the smell. They are going back in the house and i ain't moved. They asked if i was coming. I said hell no. Chief can call my wife, I'm clean.
After about 5 minutes and them boys gagging their asses off, me and a buddy don our SCBA and walk into the living room like nothing happened. When the other guys saw us you could see them get mad for not thinking about the airpaks. The looks on their faces was worth it.
We extricated the body and went home. It took days to get that smell out of my head and to wash it off my body. I never want to go through that again.
When Firemen get bored, it gets fun.
For those that do not know, in my previous life i was a Fireman. Actually a damn good one. I spent 4 years learning, practicing and doing shipboard firefighting and helicopter rescue. Naturally when i got of the NAVY i stayed affiliated with fire departments everywhere i went. Yes i was a volunteer fire fighter but we were good. I was a Lieutenant when i left Burgettestown PA.
We had a cool firehouse. The soda machine was a cleverly disguised beer machine. We used to go to the firehouse and do a little drinking. That leads up to some interesting stories.
So there we were. Having a few beers and getting bored. Halloween was just around the corner and then someone had an idea. They thought it would be funny to shit in an old purse, place a couple of dollars in the shit and leave the purse near the phone booth. After discussing it, we agreed it would be fun.
I volunteered to make the deposit in the purse. I am glad no one saw me hovering over the crapper, holding a purse and trying to drop a deuce on target. It is not easy when you a big guy.
Since it was my deposit in the purse, i had to stick the dollar bills in it. The bait was applied. We took off to the phone booth downtown. The purse was set up on the ground right beneath the phone booth. We parked across the street to see what happened.
Some kids came walking by and spotted the purse. They carefully looked around to make sure no one was watching them and then they retrieved the purse. When he opened the purse he saw the money and immediately stuck his hand in the purse to get it. He stuck his hand clean through that turd. He pulled his hand out and couldn't figure out what was on his hand. For some reason when he figured out what it was, he wiped his hand on his shirt and pants. It was disgusting. We couldn't stop laughing. The other kids with him was hollering and trying to get away from him. I am cracking up remembering this.
So with all the kids screaming and avoiding him, he tossed the purse to the ground and they took off running. We were laughing our asses off and waiting for the kids to turn the corner then we would set up the purse again. While we are sitting there waiting and laughing a truck drives by. He spots the purse and hits the brakes. The reverse lights come on and he is backing up to get the purse. The door opens and he reaches down and grabs the purse. He takes off like he stole something and not 100 feet down the road he slams on the brakes and we can hear him cursing. He throws the purse out the window and puts it in reverse and smokes the tires backing up. We figured he thought the kids did it and he was looking for them.
We laughed so hard i probably pissed myself. The fun you can have with an old purse, 2 dollars and a turd.
We had a cool firehouse. The soda machine was a cleverly disguised beer machine. We used to go to the firehouse and do a little drinking. That leads up to some interesting stories.
So there we were. Having a few beers and getting bored. Halloween was just around the corner and then someone had an idea. They thought it would be funny to shit in an old purse, place a couple of dollars in the shit and leave the purse near the phone booth. After discussing it, we agreed it would be fun.
I volunteered to make the deposit in the purse. I am glad no one saw me hovering over the crapper, holding a purse and trying to drop a deuce on target. It is not easy when you a big guy.
Since it was my deposit in the purse, i had to stick the dollar bills in it. The bait was applied. We took off to the phone booth downtown. The purse was set up on the ground right beneath the phone booth. We parked across the street to see what happened.
Some kids came walking by and spotted the purse. They carefully looked around to make sure no one was watching them and then they retrieved the purse. When he opened the purse he saw the money and immediately stuck his hand in the purse to get it. He stuck his hand clean through that turd. He pulled his hand out and couldn't figure out what was on his hand. For some reason when he figured out what it was, he wiped his hand on his shirt and pants. It was disgusting. We couldn't stop laughing. The other kids with him was hollering and trying to get away from him. I am cracking up remembering this.
So with all the kids screaming and avoiding him, he tossed the purse to the ground and they took off running. We were laughing our asses off and waiting for the kids to turn the corner then we would set up the purse again. While we are sitting there waiting and laughing a truck drives by. He spots the purse and hits the brakes. The reverse lights come on and he is backing up to get the purse. The door opens and he reaches down and grabs the purse. He takes off like he stole something and not 100 feet down the road he slams on the brakes and we can hear him cursing. He throws the purse out the window and puts it in reverse and smokes the tires backing up. We figured he thought the kids did it and he was looking for them.
We laughed so hard i probably pissed myself. The fun you can have with an old purse, 2 dollars and a turd.
23 April 2008
22 April 2008
The sound of silence
Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk to you again
because a vision softly creeping
left its seeds while i was sleeping
and the vision that was planted in my brain,
still remains
within the sound of silence.
This song was performed by Simon and Garfunkel in honor of JFK. It was a #1 hit single in 1966. After closely listening to the lyrics, i think i know what they were saying.
Today marks 12 weeks or 3 months since my wife passed. I was looking back last night at the journal i have been keeping and remembering what happened the evening i found her. I have since come to understand the Sound of Silence.
In my recent post after her death i mentioned that i felt my life change course in midstream. I have now seen where I'm heading. Not that it is good or bad, just a different direction than i had planned. Sometimes we are not in control and we just have to ride it out. I try to close my eyes and hang on.
Everything in my life has changed. The music i listen to is different, the vehicle i drive is different, the way i dress is different and what i eat is different and with all these changes i still feel the same loss. Change and time doesn't really help. I still remember that first night vividly like it was yesterday. I can tell you who was at my house and most of the people at the funeral. Damn a good memory.
Our house was a shambles. We had just had the bathroom remodeled, took up the carpet and put down wood flooring and painted the bedroom and had all the Christmas decorations taken down and ready for packing away. We had to move all kinds of stuff out of the way to remove her body. Funny how big and cumbersome a stretcher is, i never knew that.
After everyone had left about 0130 in the morning i call Ricky to let him know what happened. He calls Terry and they both head over to the house unbeknown to me. It was 0230 and i am digging through the safe when out of the corner of my eye i see movement at the front door. The dogs freak out and start barking and i damn near crapped myself. It was Ricky and Terry.
Around 0430 we go over to IHOP and have breakfast. We were not exactly appropriately attired but we didn't give a shit. The cops kept a watchful eye on us for some reason.
When the clock struck 0700 Ricky and Terry had to go to work. We had been up all night just talking and deciding what to do next. I jumped in the shower and got cleaned up. I had to choose her outfit to be buried in. That took me almost an hour to do. That was the hardest thing i have ever done. She had specified in her will what she wanted to wear down to her boots and necklace. I found everything but the necklace.
Around 1000 i am at the funeral home picking out caskets and everything else that goes into a funeral. We set a time to go to the grave yard to pick her plot. It was a dark day. Sometime that early afternoon the motorcycle shop called me to go get my 4-wheeler. I went and picked it up and Ricky and i went to a late lunch. I got home about 1700 that afternoon. Ricky, Mardy, Terry and the guys from work showed up again and we sat around all night. Sleep wouldn't come.
That morning Gerald showed up and we began to field day the house. Put away all the Christmas stuff in the shed, cleaned up all the construction crap and re-hung all the pictures where they belonged. Got the house cleaned up for the guest and took the dogs to the beauty parlor. At 1500 Mardy, Ricky and myself went to the funeral home to view the body. I broke down and lost it. Mardy and Ricky got me back home and i hit the bottle. Erech and Cameron show up with double doubles from Whataburger and i chow down. 15 minutes later i am asleep in my recliner in a drunken stupor. Sleep finally came and lasted about 4-5 hours.
I wake up about 0200 and everyone is laid out around the house trying to get some sleep. I tell everyone to go home and i spend that night alone for the first time in many years. The silence was deafening.
The wake was Friday night and the funeral was Saturday morning at 1000. My Brother and parents stayed over Sunday and we took out all her personal belongings and stored what i wanted to keep and donated the rest to Helping Hands. Looking back now i question if i did the right thing.
Monday morning my parents and brother left for home and took my two dogs with them. I couldn't keep them as much as i travel and i wanted them to stay together. Now the only background noise is the whirling of the ceiling fans. I can hear the sound of silence.
3 months later and i still have the same sleeping pattern. I sleep a couple of hours each night at all different times. As i lay in bed the slightest sound will awaken me. I go days with out sleep sometimes and just sit and idle the time away. Even when i am on the road sleep still eludes me. I guess my nerves are still acting up. I refuse to use sleep aids other than beer and Malibu Rum. Don't want to get addicted. Ha.
I am not interested in dating so i just find things to do to keep busy. I have renewed my relationship with my 4-wheeler, motorcycle and guns. I realize that it will never be back to normal. My normal is gone. Eventually i will establish a new norm and i will be comfortable with it.
Yall have a good day and Love the one your with.
I've come to talk to you again
because a vision softly creeping
left its seeds while i was sleeping
and the vision that was planted in my brain,
still remains
within the sound of silence.
This song was performed by Simon and Garfunkel in honor of JFK. It was a #1 hit single in 1966. After closely listening to the lyrics, i think i know what they were saying.
Today marks 12 weeks or 3 months since my wife passed. I was looking back last night at the journal i have been keeping and remembering what happened the evening i found her. I have since come to understand the Sound of Silence.
In my recent post after her death i mentioned that i felt my life change course in midstream. I have now seen where I'm heading. Not that it is good or bad, just a different direction than i had planned. Sometimes we are not in control and we just have to ride it out. I try to close my eyes and hang on.
Everything in my life has changed. The music i listen to is different, the vehicle i drive is different, the way i dress is different and what i eat is different and with all these changes i still feel the same loss. Change and time doesn't really help. I still remember that first night vividly like it was yesterday. I can tell you who was at my house and most of the people at the funeral. Damn a good memory.
Our house was a shambles. We had just had the bathroom remodeled, took up the carpet and put down wood flooring and painted the bedroom and had all the Christmas decorations taken down and ready for packing away. We had to move all kinds of stuff out of the way to remove her body. Funny how big and cumbersome a stretcher is, i never knew that.
After everyone had left about 0130 in the morning i call Ricky to let him know what happened. He calls Terry and they both head over to the house unbeknown to me. It was 0230 and i am digging through the safe when out of the corner of my eye i see movement at the front door. The dogs freak out and start barking and i damn near crapped myself. It was Ricky and Terry.
Around 0430 we go over to IHOP and have breakfast. We were not exactly appropriately attired but we didn't give a shit. The cops kept a watchful eye on us for some reason.
When the clock struck 0700 Ricky and Terry had to go to work. We had been up all night just talking and deciding what to do next. I jumped in the shower and got cleaned up. I had to choose her outfit to be buried in. That took me almost an hour to do. That was the hardest thing i have ever done. She had specified in her will what she wanted to wear down to her boots and necklace. I found everything but the necklace.
Around 1000 i am at the funeral home picking out caskets and everything else that goes into a funeral. We set a time to go to the grave yard to pick her plot. It was a dark day. Sometime that early afternoon the motorcycle shop called me to go get my 4-wheeler. I went and picked it up and Ricky and i went to a late lunch. I got home about 1700 that afternoon. Ricky, Mardy, Terry and the guys from work showed up again and we sat around all night. Sleep wouldn't come.
That morning Gerald showed up and we began to field day the house. Put away all the Christmas stuff in the shed, cleaned up all the construction crap and re-hung all the pictures where they belonged. Got the house cleaned up for the guest and took the dogs to the beauty parlor. At 1500 Mardy, Ricky and myself went to the funeral home to view the body. I broke down and lost it. Mardy and Ricky got me back home and i hit the bottle. Erech and Cameron show up with double doubles from Whataburger and i chow down. 15 minutes later i am asleep in my recliner in a drunken stupor. Sleep finally came and lasted about 4-5 hours.
I wake up about 0200 and everyone is laid out around the house trying to get some sleep. I tell everyone to go home and i spend that night alone for the first time in many years. The silence was deafening.
The wake was Friday night and the funeral was Saturday morning at 1000. My Brother and parents stayed over Sunday and we took out all her personal belongings and stored what i wanted to keep and donated the rest to Helping Hands. Looking back now i question if i did the right thing.
Monday morning my parents and brother left for home and took my two dogs with them. I couldn't keep them as much as i travel and i wanted them to stay together. Now the only background noise is the whirling of the ceiling fans. I can hear the sound of silence.
3 months later and i still have the same sleeping pattern. I sleep a couple of hours each night at all different times. As i lay in bed the slightest sound will awaken me. I go days with out sleep sometimes and just sit and idle the time away. Even when i am on the road sleep still eludes me. I guess my nerves are still acting up. I refuse to use sleep aids other than beer and Malibu Rum. Don't want to get addicted. Ha.
I am not interested in dating so i just find things to do to keep busy. I have renewed my relationship with my 4-wheeler, motorcycle and guns. I realize that it will never be back to normal. My normal is gone. Eventually i will establish a new norm and i will be comfortable with it.
Yall have a good day and Love the one your with.
21 April 2008
Movie review
This weekend i was bored so i decided to go window shopping at the mall. I was walking around looking at stuff and looking for that thing i needed. I didn't know what i needed but i was sure i would know it when i saw it.
I walked out of the mall with a pressure washer, an outfit for a (small) pet monkey and the movie Walk Hard.
After a few beers and while a pot roast was simmering i slipped in the movie. There were parts that had me laughing so hard i had to stop the movie and rewind it. It wasn't a constant laugh fest but it was worth the $20 it cost me. I will be purchasing the sound track to this movie. Some of the songs made me pee my pants they were so funny.
I suggest buying the movie but i will bet a dollar to a donut that my Brother will not like this movie. He doesn't have the same laugh button as i got. I look forward to hearing his critique. Since this movie doest have Will Ferell in it, he may watch it.
I walked out of the mall with a pressure washer, an outfit for a (small) pet monkey and the movie Walk Hard.
After a few beers and while a pot roast was simmering i slipped in the movie. There were parts that had me laughing so hard i had to stop the movie and rewind it. It wasn't a constant laugh fest but it was worth the $20 it cost me. I will be purchasing the sound track to this movie. Some of the songs made me pee my pants they were so funny.
I suggest buying the movie but i will bet a dollar to a donut that my Brother will not like this movie. He doesn't have the same laugh button as i got. I look forward to hearing his critique. Since this movie doest have Will Ferell in it, he may watch it.
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