He's back

Ricky has decided that he is tired of leaving ignorant rantings on other peoples blog pages so he started his own. Go by and rip him a new ass and explain to the derelict that it is welcome back Kotter, not carter.

CNN is a Fuc**** joke

Last night i was laying around the hotel and accidentally put on CNN. They had a Breaking News banner on the screen. I wanted to know what was so important.

"Breaking News" Clinton takes West Virginia. No shit? What are the odds?

I used to live in West by God Virginia. I know those inbreds. You could run a white gay liberal who wants to bring back Prohibition and they would NOT vote for a Black Man. And CNN acts like it is something the world didn't know. How stupid can CNN be?

Since i am talking about WV, what do you call 5 West by God Virginia women in the same room?



A full set of teeth.

How do you circumsize a West Virgina man?




Kick his sister in the mouth!!!

Pissed off another telemarketer

Last night i decided i was going to BBQ some catfish. I am standing at the sink cleaning the fish and the phone rings:

"Howdy doody tutty fruity"

"This is Glen with AT&T and we can save you hundreds annually on your telephone calls. Do you think this is something you would be interested in?"

"Absolutely Glen, saving money is one of my favorite things to do. Tell you what, i have my friend on the other line, let me switch over and get rid of him and then we can talk about your service. By the way, do you offer call waiting?

"Yes sir, call waiting and many other features for no cost"

"OK, hold on and i will be right back"

Now at this point you have many options. Poor Glen thinks he is about to make a sale. You can put the phone and walk away and leave him hanging on to see how long he will wait. I decided to go another route. Here is what i like to do.

Press one of the number buttons on the phone. It will sound to Glen like you are transferring your call waiting. Now for some fun.

"Hey Frank, i have to go. I got some fucknuts from AT&T trying to sell me some shit on the other line. Why can't these losers get a real job? I don't know if his mama didn't breast feed him enough or if she did it too much. He sounds like his daddy dick fed him with that lisp of his. I have to talk slowly because apparently he has a monosyllabic vocabulary. I'll call you back when i am done with this nut hugger"

Now press another button and address Glen

"Ok Glen, what have you got?"

"Sir, i really don't appreciate that......." click

"Glen, Glen, i really want some AT&T, Glen, you there?"

*gigglesnort* they are too easy.

How to save the airline industry

Dump the male flight attendants.
No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with
good-looking strippers! What the hell --
They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money! I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lapdances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the air line industry would see record revenues.


This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Fun with telemarketers

Telemarketers are the most aggravating people in the world. I have learned that telemarketers are an excellent way to hone and sharpen your communication skills. What pisses me off is when you ask them not to call you and they continue to call back.

What i do is ask for a number i can call them back on. i do this for all the ones that repeatedly call me. Sometimes the number in the caller id is valid and sometimes it isn't. if they give me a number, they have made a huge mistake. For example:

ring ring, ring ring

"Yellow, big papa sweet, the real white meat here"

"Yes sir, we are looking for Mr. Ray, is he in?"

"This is he, waz up?"

"I am with Country wide mortgage and we can lower your mortgage payments by 15%"

"I am in the middle of something here, can i get a number to call you back in about 5 minutes?"

"Yes sir, call blah blah blah and ask for Denise"

I wait a few minutes, have a beer and wait for the TV program to go into commercial. I call the number she gave me and some person answers the phone. It goes like this:

"My name is Ray, you people call me every night at the same time. I have repeatedly asked you to remove me from your call list. I want you to write my phone number down. It is blah blah blah"

"Sir, i don't understand why you want me to write your phone number down, i can transfer you to our department to have your name removed from our calling list"

"No lady, your going to personally walk that piece of paper with my number on it down to this so called department and have them remove my number tonight."

"Sir, i can not leave the switch board to go anywhere"

"That's fine. When i hang up from you, i am going to my fax machine and set the redial for 12 times. I will then dial your number on my fax. The fax will continue to redial your number making your evening a living hell. After 12 times i will start this process all over again until i go to bed, pass out drunk or run out of beer. If for some reason your dumb ass callers call again tomorrow, we do it all over again. You have my number and you can call me when my name is off the list. Have a great day and the fun starts now"

being the person that i am, i did as promised. Every time she answered she got that loud ringing. I was laughing my ass off. About 3 cycles into it, i get a call from a supervisor promising me that my name was removed from their call list. I haven't heard from them again.

The hard way

This weekend was the Knights of Columbus convention in Dallas TX. Me and 4 other brother Knights loaded up Friday after Mass and drove my new dually to Dallas for the convention. I know taking a 1 ton dually is not the most economical vehicle but it is big enough to seat 4 comfortably and carry all the luggage.

I made sure the tanks were full before we left. We stopped at Manuel's for breakfast burritos and off we went. When we pulled into the hotel i had burned a little more than a half a tank of diesel.

We attended the Awards Banquet that evening and i was awarded my first Knights of Columbus ring. The ring was awarded to the top 5 Grand Knights in the State of Texas for council growth. After the awards we hit the hospitality suites. It was a great time.

This was my third year going to convention. I renewed friendships with brothers i had met previously and just enjoyed being there. We had a new guy with us so we had fun teaching him the finer points of convention etiquette.

Sunday morning at 1130 we head out for home. We are coming into Abilene and i told the guys we had about 1/8 th tank of fuel and i had to stop for diesel. We were commenting on how far we went on a tank of fuel when it sounded like the motor freaked out. It was clattering and clanking and sounded like it was running on a few cylinders. All power was lost and we coasted down the exit ramp to a Fina station. We had to push that big bastard to the fuel pumps. After about 10 gallons of diesel i start it up. I thought the motor was going to blow. It sounded like crap, wouldn't idle and it looked as if it was going to jump out from under the hood.

I put 41 gallons of diesel in that sucker. i apparently sucked the tank bone dry. After trying to make it run right we decided it was just air in the system so we loaded up and took off down the road. About 5 miles down the road the engine worked the air out and it was back to running perfectly.

I pulled up at the house at 1800. Does anyone know how to bleed the fuel system on a Power stroke should this happen again? Obviously the fuel gage is a little off so I don't plan on running that truck below a half tank ever again.

Cinco de mayo

Most people don't know that in 1912 Hellman's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico . But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. Thus each year, May 5th is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

WHAT?? You expected something educational from me?