Q: What’s the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don’t think they’re funny and everyone else doesn’t think they’re jokes.
Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.
Q: What’s the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
Q: What’s the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
Q: What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One’s full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for prisoners.
Q: What’s the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What’s the difference between a zoo and the White House?
A: A zoo has an African lion and the White House has a lyin’ African.
Q: If Pelosi and Obama were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
Q: What do you call the US after four years of Obama and the Liberal congress?
A: An Obama-nation.
Q: What’s the difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler wrote his own book.
Q: What’s another difference between Obama and Hitler?
A: Hitler got the Olympics to come to his country.
Q: Why doesn’t Obama pray?
A: It’s impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed
27 October 2009
26 October 2009
Attention Wal-Mart shoppers
Just a few observations intended to enhance everyone’s shopping experience.
We’ll break this down by category:
Parking Lot
1. My turn signals are neither an invitation nor a threat, but merely the courtesy of indicating my vehicular intentions. Deciphering their meaning is really quite simple. If the left corner of my vehicle is blinking, that means I’m turning left. The opposite holds true for the right corner. Simple, but powerful information. Learn it. Live it.
2. When you stroll down the center of the parking lane, don’t act surprised or affect emotional trauma when someone blips their horn at you, tailgates you, or even, indeed runs you over like a miscreant squirrel. I usually side with the pedestrian in pedestrian/vehicle misadventures, because, clearly they are the underdog. However, you don’t get much sympathy if you’re begging for it.
3. Fire lane does not mean “You can park here, if you promise to be back in less than an hour”. This is a particular irritant for me. I’d support legislation supporting setting non-emergency vehicles parked in the fire lane on fire. Then they’ll at least be grammatically correct.
4. Don’t stalk pedestrians looking to score a primo spot. Nobody likes that kind of pressure. Plus, traffic is backin up behind you. If you stalk me, I will see how long I can take to put away my purchases. If you’re impolite enough to blip your horn at me, I will then also check my voice messages, answer them, write down important stuff on my little dashboard notepad, and maybe catch a quick nap. I hate rudeness, but WILL reciprocate it.
5. If you shop at the Springville Walmart and get a little loose with your doors, and you drive something red, and you park next to a white Jeep, Mrs. Smaug is looking for you. She WILL find you. And WHEN she finds you, she will destroy you.
6. Buggies have a place. The place even has a cute name, “corral”. Learn it. Live it.
The Front Door
1. I know the grandeur that is Walmart is indeed awesome, but it is not necessary to stop cold, just inside the door, to try to take it all in. Particularly if there are other people behind you, attempting to accomplish what you just did, and it’s cold, raining, or they really have to pee.
2. Take a moment to look at the missing kids bulletin board. Who knows? Maybe you know something you didn’t know you knew, and it could lead to a happy homecoming. Just don’t block the door while you do it.
3. I’m not aware of any weight limit on the merry-go-round. Thus, if you’ve got a quarter, the world is your oyster. Shine on, you crazy diamond.
Shopping
1. Someone saying, “Pardon me” while reaching for a can of Campbell’s Chunky that your buggy has blocked for more than 45 seconds is not an assault on your character or violation of your personal space.
2. Don’t act surprised when your buggy that has parked sideways, blocking the aisle entirely, while you hear all the gory details of Mabeline’s hysterectomy, is rammed across the store by another buggy.
3. A word to the wise: The buggy handle that your child is currently using as a teething ring was last handled by a high school dropout short order cook named Stu. Stu never, ever washes his hands.
4. You’ll forgive me if I don’t find it “cute” when your precious little darling is showing what a big boy/girl/cousin It they are, by driving the buggy. Particularly when they power slam the buggy into the backs of my ankles, rupturing both achilles tendons, and leaving me puddled in the floor, in tears. Or that I didn’t find it cute when junior subsequently ran over my fingers.
5. If you’re tall, and someone short asks you to reach something on a high shelf for them, don’t get all snooty. Just do it. But only if they say please and thank you. We’re living in a society here.
6. Let old people go first.
7. (Regarding #6) Old people. Longevity does not give you license to be rude. It wasn’t true when Truman was in the White House. It’s not true now.
Checking Out
1. Smile at the cashier. You never know. Maybe they were contemplating a career change (say, serial murder or terrorism, for example) and your pleasantness may have just saved countless lives. Again. You never know.
2. Don’t get defensive when the self-checkout makes you feel stupid. They make us all feel stupid. It’s by design.
3. No two credit/debit card swipey-things are alike. DON’T let it throw you. Just chuckle, and let the budding serial killer walk you through it.
4. If you’ve got a buggy full, and the kid behind you has a Fanta and a Snickers, for crying out loud, show some compassion.
I hope you’ll take these lessons to heart, and the world will be a happier place for it.
Hugs and kisses,
We’ll break this down by category:
Parking Lot
1. My turn signals are neither an invitation nor a threat, but merely the courtesy of indicating my vehicular intentions. Deciphering their meaning is really quite simple. If the left corner of my vehicle is blinking, that means I’m turning left. The opposite holds true for the right corner. Simple, but powerful information. Learn it. Live it.
2. When you stroll down the center of the parking lane, don’t act surprised or affect emotional trauma when someone blips their horn at you, tailgates you, or even, indeed runs you over like a miscreant squirrel. I usually side with the pedestrian in pedestrian/vehicle misadventures, because, clearly they are the underdog. However, you don’t get much sympathy if you’re begging for it.
3. Fire lane does not mean “You can park here, if you promise to be back in less than an hour”. This is a particular irritant for me. I’d support legislation supporting setting non-emergency vehicles parked in the fire lane on fire. Then they’ll at least be grammatically correct.
4. Don’t stalk pedestrians looking to score a primo spot. Nobody likes that kind of pressure. Plus, traffic is backin up behind you. If you stalk me, I will see how long I can take to put away my purchases. If you’re impolite enough to blip your horn at me, I will then also check my voice messages, answer them, write down important stuff on my little dashboard notepad, and maybe catch a quick nap. I hate rudeness, but WILL reciprocate it.
5. If you shop at the Springville Walmart and get a little loose with your doors, and you drive something red, and you park next to a white Jeep, Mrs. Smaug is looking for you. She WILL find you. And WHEN she finds you, she will destroy you.
6. Buggies have a place. The place even has a cute name, “corral”. Learn it. Live it.
The Front Door
1. I know the grandeur that is Walmart is indeed awesome, but it is not necessary to stop cold, just inside the door, to try to take it all in. Particularly if there are other people behind you, attempting to accomplish what you just did, and it’s cold, raining, or they really have to pee.
2. Take a moment to look at the missing kids bulletin board. Who knows? Maybe you know something you didn’t know you knew, and it could lead to a happy homecoming. Just don’t block the door while you do it.
3. I’m not aware of any weight limit on the merry-go-round. Thus, if you’ve got a quarter, the world is your oyster. Shine on, you crazy diamond.
Shopping
1. Someone saying, “Pardon me” while reaching for a can of Campbell’s Chunky that your buggy has blocked for more than 45 seconds is not an assault on your character or violation of your personal space.
2. Don’t act surprised when your buggy that has parked sideways, blocking the aisle entirely, while you hear all the gory details of Mabeline’s hysterectomy, is rammed across the store by another buggy.
3. A word to the wise: The buggy handle that your child is currently using as a teething ring was last handled by a high school dropout short order cook named Stu. Stu never, ever washes his hands.
4. You’ll forgive me if I don’t find it “cute” when your precious little darling is showing what a big boy/girl/cousin It they are, by driving the buggy. Particularly when they power slam the buggy into the backs of my ankles, rupturing both achilles tendons, and leaving me puddled in the floor, in tears. Or that I didn’t find it cute when junior subsequently ran over my fingers.
5. If you’re tall, and someone short asks you to reach something on a high shelf for them, don’t get all snooty. Just do it. But only if they say please and thank you. We’re living in a society here.
6. Let old people go first.
7. (Regarding #6) Old people. Longevity does not give you license to be rude. It wasn’t true when Truman was in the White House. It’s not true now.
Checking Out
1. Smile at the cashier. You never know. Maybe they were contemplating a career change (say, serial murder or terrorism, for example) and your pleasantness may have just saved countless lives. Again. You never know.
2. Don’t get defensive when the self-checkout makes you feel stupid. They make us all feel stupid. It’s by design.
3. No two credit/debit card swipey-things are alike. DON’T let it throw you. Just chuckle, and let the budding serial killer walk you through it.
4. If you’ve got a buggy full, and the kid behind you has a Fanta and a Snickers, for crying out loud, show some compassion.
I hope you’ll take these lessons to heart, and the world will be a happier place for it.
Hugs and kisses,
HandzOff
This may prevent you from going blind. You know you have a problem when you get this as a stocking stuffer!!
21 October 2009
19 October 2009
Every day is a fight, sometimes i feel like it will never end
About two years ago the price of oil was over $100 a barrel and work was pouring in. The problem then was that employees knew they had us and could threaten us with their jobs for more money. Some got a raise and others were sent packing. We kept the best and we managed to cull the herd. It resulted in lost revenue because we didn't have the labor hours to sell but we increased our quality. In the end, it was the right choice.
Now we have a polar opposite of two years ago. We are trying our ass off to keep everyone busy so we don't have to lay anyone off. Some employees see this and appreciate it while others simply don't. It seems like a constant battle between profitability and bill ability. The bosses are watching so we must tow the line.
In a decreased economy such as ours, people are leery and afraid to rock the boat too hard. In times like these, replacements are ready to take your job. So after a day of juggling profits and employees, we go home and wonder what tomorrow will bring. This is no way to live.
So outside of work, you would think that life would be easy. That is not the case. If you watch the news you will hear that obama has a great plan to fix everything. Man that sounds good but as reasonable people, his plan just doesn't make sense. I listen to Rush and he tells me that obama is on the verge of causing the USA to collapse. Who do we believe?
What would happen to our country if everything was free like obama's health care? Someone has to pay for it.
So if I'm not worried about things at work i have to worry about the government giving everything i have away to those who don't want to work for it. Will this ever end?
George W may not have been the best President we ever had but at least under his administration, we didn't have all this gloom and doom. Sometimes i wish it would just go away but we know that it will not.
Every day is a fight. We have to keep our chins up and continue to move forward. When we stop moving forward, we will loose all that we fought for.
Now we have a polar opposite of two years ago. We are trying our ass off to keep everyone busy so we don't have to lay anyone off. Some employees see this and appreciate it while others simply don't. It seems like a constant battle between profitability and bill ability. The bosses are watching so we must tow the line.
In a decreased economy such as ours, people are leery and afraid to rock the boat too hard. In times like these, replacements are ready to take your job. So after a day of juggling profits and employees, we go home and wonder what tomorrow will bring. This is no way to live.
So outside of work, you would think that life would be easy. That is not the case. If you watch the news you will hear that obama has a great plan to fix everything. Man that sounds good but as reasonable people, his plan just doesn't make sense. I listen to Rush and he tells me that obama is on the verge of causing the USA to collapse. Who do we believe?
What would happen to our country if everything was free like obama's health care? Someone has to pay for it.
So if I'm not worried about things at work i have to worry about the government giving everything i have away to those who don't want to work for it. Will this ever end?
George W may not have been the best President we ever had but at least under his administration, we didn't have all this gloom and doom. Sometimes i wish it would just go away but we know that it will not.
Every day is a fight. We have to keep our chins up and continue to move forward. When we stop moving forward, we will loose all that we fought for.
16 October 2009
Old Butch
Homer was in the fertilized egg business.> He had several hundred hens called "pullets,"> and 10 roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept> records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup> pot and was replaced.>> This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny> bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a> different tone, so he could tell from a distance which> rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch> and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the> bells.>> Homer's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a> very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed old> Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to> investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing> pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the> roosters coming, would run for cover.>>> To Homer's amazement, old Butch had> his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He> would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the> next one. Homer was so proud of old Butch, he entered> him in the County Fair and Butch became an overnight> sensation among the judges.>> The> judges not only awarded old Butch the “No-Bell Piece> Prize”, but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise”> as well.>> Clearly old Butch was a Democrat in the> making. Who else but a Democrat could figure out how> to win two of the most highly coveted awards on the planet> by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and> screwing them when they weren't paying> attention.
12 October 2009
Mud, Guns, Beer and lies. Redneck heaven.
This old stump decided to bite on to the axe when we were splitting it. We tried to get it out but we ended up breaking the handle off. No big deal, we set it aside and forgot about it. Later that night, about 0200 that morning actually, after the beer had replaced our good sense, i decided to set the stump down range and shoot the axe head out with the .50 BMG. I will admit that i missed the first few shots but eventually hit it. We never found a single piece of the axe head. I assume that since it is hardened steel, it just shattered. Oh, another reason i missed is because a hat was hanging on the axe head. I'll explain later.
Here is the hat that was on the axe head. This hat belongs to little bill who in the next post you see sitting in the middle of a mud hole. For whatever reason, it seemed like the right thing to do at the time, we decided to shoot his hat. We convinced little bill that when he fell into the mud hole, a huge snapping turtle went after him and it bit his hat. As of today he is convinced that he barley got out of there alive cause that big ass turtle was after him. I am still laughing my ass off!! Drunk people are so much fun to mess with.
My Rhino got so much mud in the radiator that it started running hot and we had to clean it. That is the first time i got it that muddy.
If you have never ridden a Rhino, i can not say enough good about them. This machine will go damn near anywhere. With the proper tires and a passionate driver, you can bust open any mud hole.
Here is the hat that was on the axe head. This hat belongs to little bill who in the next post you see sitting in the middle of a mud hole. For whatever reason, it seemed like the right thing to do at the time, we decided to shoot his hat. We convinced little bill that when he fell into the mud hole, a huge snapping turtle went after him and it bit his hat. As of today he is convinced that he barley got out of there alive cause that big ass turtle was after him. I am still laughing my ass off!! Drunk people are so much fun to mess with.
My Rhino got so much mud in the radiator that it started running hot and we had to clean it. That is the first time i got it that muddy.
If you have never ridden a Rhino, i can not say enough good about them. This machine will go damn near anywhere. With the proper tires and a passionate driver, you can bust open any mud hole.
Camping trip 2009
My little mud buggy. It performed quite well this year.
This is what happens when you mix large amounts of beer, an inexperienced rider and a mudhole from hell. Not to mention a bunch of guys calling him names because he was hesitant.
Here is my Uncle trying to get through the mudhole from hell. He says the jeep stalled but i am not too sure. Maybe if he freshened up his skills, the jeep wouldn't stall.
Thi is another bog hole where the jeep stalled because it lost all forward motion. Some of the holes out there are bad and you have to be real ccareful or your pulling chains.
Here is a 3/4" thick steel plate that my .50 BMG was driving holes through. Shooting that gun is damn near orgasmic.
This is what happens when you mix large amounts of beer, an inexperienced rider and a mudhole from hell. Not to mention a bunch of guys calling him names because he was hesitant.
Here is my Uncle trying to get through the mudhole from hell. He says the jeep stalled but i am not too sure. Maybe if he freshened up his skills, the jeep wouldn't stall.
Thi is another bog hole where the jeep stalled because it lost all forward motion. Some of the holes out there are bad and you have to be real ccareful or your pulling chains.
Here is a 3/4" thick steel plate that my .50 BMG was driving holes through. Shooting that gun is damn near orgasmic.
01 October 2009
Too funny
A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.”
The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really; the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
The reporter says, “Well, I’m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”
The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really; the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
The reporter says, “Well, I’m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”
The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:
U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
Secret to a happy marriage
The two biggest secrets to a happy marriage are this:
When your wrong, admit it
When your right, shut up
When your wrong, admit it
When your right, shut up
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