26 October 2009

Attention Wal-Mart shoppers

Just a few observations intended to enhance everyone’s shopping experience.
We’ll break this down by category:
Parking Lot

1. My turn signals are neither an invitation nor a threat, but merely the courtesy of indicating my vehicular intentions. Deciphering their meaning is really quite simple. If the left corner of my vehicle is blinking, that means I’m turning left. The opposite holds true for the right corner. Simple, but powerful information. Learn it. Live it.

2. When you stroll down the center of the parking lane, don’t act surprised or affect emotional trauma when someone blips their horn at you, tailgates you, or even, indeed runs you over like a miscreant squirrel. I usually side with the pedestrian in pedestrian/vehicle misadventures, because, clearly they are the underdog. However, you don’t get much sympathy if you’re begging for it.

3. Fire lane does not mean “You can park here, if you promise to be back in less than an hour”. This is a particular irritant for me. I’d support legislation supporting setting non-emergency vehicles parked in the fire lane on fire. Then they’ll at least be grammatically correct.

4. Don’t stalk pedestrians looking to score a primo spot. Nobody likes that kind of pressure. Plus, traffic is backin up behind you. If you stalk me, I will see how long I can take to put away my purchases. If you’re impolite enough to blip your horn at me, I will then also check my voice messages, answer them, write down important stuff on my little dashboard notepad, and maybe catch a quick nap. I hate rudeness, but WILL reciprocate it.

5. If you shop at the Springville Walmart and get a little loose with your doors, and you drive something red, and you park next to a white Jeep, Mrs. Smaug is looking for you. She WILL find you. And WHEN she finds you, she will destroy you.

6. Buggies have a place. The place even has a cute name, “corral”. Learn it. Live it.

The Front Door

1. I know the grandeur that is Walmart is indeed awesome, but it is not necessary to stop cold, just inside the door, to try to take it all in. Particularly if there are other people behind you, attempting to accomplish what you just did, and it’s cold, raining, or they really have to pee.
2. Take a moment to look at the missing kids bulletin board. Who knows? Maybe you know something you didn’t know you knew, and it could lead to a happy homecoming. Just don’t block the door while you do it.
3. I’m not aware of any weight limit on the merry-go-round. Thus, if you’ve got a quarter, the world is your oyster. Shine on, you crazy diamond.


1. Someone saying, “Pardon me” while reaching for a can of Campbell’s Chunky that your buggy has blocked for more than 45 seconds is not an assault on your character or violation of your personal space.

2. Don’t act surprised when your buggy that has parked sideways, blocking the aisle entirely, while you hear all the gory details of Mabeline’s hysterectomy, is rammed across the store by another buggy.

3. A word to the wise: The buggy handle that your child is currently using as a teething ring was last handled by a high school dropout short order cook named Stu. Stu never, ever washes his hands.

4. You’ll forgive me if I don’t find it “cute” when your precious little darling is showing what a big boy/girl/cousin It they are, by driving the buggy. Particularly when they power slam the buggy into the backs of my ankles, rupturing both achilles tendons, and leaving me puddled in the floor, in tears. Or that I didn’t find it cute when junior subsequently ran over my fingers.

5. If you’re tall, and someone short asks you to reach something on a high shelf for them, don’t get all snooty. Just do it. But only if they say please and thank you. We’re living in a society here.

6. Let old people go first.

7. (Regarding #6) Old people. Longevity does not give you license to be rude. It wasn’t true when Truman was in the White House. It’s not true now.

Checking Out

1. Smile at the cashier. You never know. Maybe they were contemplating a career change (say, serial murder or terrorism, for example) and your pleasantness may have just saved countless lives. Again. You never know.

2. Don’t get defensive when the self-checkout makes you feel stupid. They make us all feel stupid. It’s by design.

3. No two credit/debit card swipey-things are alike. DON’T let it throw you. Just chuckle, and let the budding serial killer walk you through it.

4. If you’ve got a buggy full, and the kid behind you has a Fanta and a Snickers, for crying out loud, show some compassion.

I hope you’ll take these lessons to heart, and the world will be a happier place for it.

Hugs and kisses,

1 comment:

Jess said...

My mother has reached the age where pleasantries dig too much into her time. She's not fast, but she is quick to ask: "Are you in my way." to anyone blocking an aisle.