Theology, from a redneck's point of view

I know that people are trying to be helpful but i really don't want to hear " It's God's Plan" one more time. It is not God's plan. It is biology.

I am going to give some free advice. If you talk with someone who has lost a loved one, don't offer any insight such as " They are in Heaven now" or " Its God's Plan" or anything like that. Just say you will keep them in your prayers. Trust me, they will appreciate it later.

To my understanding God's plan is simple. To put Him before all else and to love our brother. That is His plan. All this suffering and disease that is with us today is a result of our actions. Humanity brought this on. God's plan was for Adam and Eve to live blissfully in the Garden of Eden but they blew it with their actions.

God doesn't will for children to born with handicaps or for abortionist to kill unborn children. These things happen because of results of our actions. We have a free will and with this free will comes great responsibility. Look at out laws and it seems we have abused this responsibility.

I don't blame anyone for Ruth's death, especially God. I know that death is a part of life. Everyone will die. We will all eventually pass through the door of death. That is inevitable. We need to understand this concept.

I don't like it, but it is reality. To sit back and call it His plan would be a cop out on my part. I have to accept death and move on with my life. Sure sounds easy don't it. I wish it was as easy as it sounds.

When you meet someone struggling with life, don't say it is God's plan. God wanted nothing but happiness for us. Just accept that these struggles are a part of life and they form our character. Death comes to all of us though we do not know when where or how, but it comes. The sooner we all understand this, the sooner we can start loving one another and quit blaming some plan for our downfalls.

Peace.

Cow humor

Hazing

I walk into my Borger TX shop this morning and one of the guys pull me off to the side. He said " Our new guy started today and we told him you were coming to town. We also told him that you were gay and liked to invite the newbies to your hotel room but to not go unless a group went"

I smiled and went on about my business. This type of thing is a very common occurrence in our business. We like to have fun with FNG's.

FNG is standing in one of the offices with a couple of the senior guys when i walk in. I look at FNG and ask how much he weighs. He tells me and i say " Your a cute little fucker aren't you" The look on his face was priceless. The guys start smiling and leave the room and tell FNG i needed to talk to him. FNG hauls ass out of the room and goes back to his training.

The guys and i are standing in the bay and we are cracking our asses up laughing. I say Watch this. i walk into the training room and drop my hotel key in front of FNG. I say " I am having pizza and beer in my room tonight and i would like it if you came by. There will be plenty of food, fighting and fucking so don't be late. It's just me and you" and then i walked out.

FNG picks up the key and then drops it like it was hot. Old technician walks in there and ask him what the key was for. FNG tells him and Old technician says " I wouldn't go there alone if i were you" and walks out.

All the while we are standing outside watching FNG through the window and cracking up.

Eventually we tell FNG that we are just messing with him. It was a good laugh.

The snake and the migrain

The other day Morry calls me and ask if i knew where to buy posters of oilfield scenes. I didn't have no clue so he invited me to g shopping with him to locate some. Morry just moved into a new office and wants to decorate with oilfield photos that are related to our line of work. After going to all the gallery's in Midland we decided to go to the petroleum museum to see what we could find.

Morry found some old sketches and old oil company logos on tin plates. We picked out what we wanted and were headed for the checkout counter. I looked down and happened to spy some wooden snakes. These little critters are articulated and look pretty real. I couldn't help myself so Morry and I bought us each one. We figured they would be good for a couple of laughs.

I get to work a few minutes early and place the snake in my secretary's top drawer where she keeps her face mirror. Unbeknown st to me, she is deathly afraid of snakes. I get a call and had to leave about 1/2 hour later. As i am out and about i get a call from one of technicians. Apparently he was blamed for planting the snake and called to see if i had done it.

This is the story of what happened as relayed to me: She got some makeup in her eye. Her back was towards the drawer so she reached back to grab the face mirror. She grabbed the snake instead and when she put it in her face she was staring at the snake. She screamed and ran from the office and wouldn't go back in. She left for a while then came back and grabbed her stuff and left for the day.

The beauty of this prank was that i told no one. This was a shock to everyone and true to my nature i couldn't stop laughing. Even the next day when i confessed to doing it and fellings were hurt, i couldn't stop laughing. I had to walk away so as not to offend anyone. I am giggling right now writing this. It was a good one.

The demon was released

It seems i have had a bit of rage building in my system. I felt something was going on inside me because i just felt pissed off at the world for the last couple of weeks. Even my friends noticed something was different. I can't tell you what it is from other the major life change i have had to deal with.

So there i am Saturday morning lying in bed and getting mad about nothing. Don't know what it was but i felt like i was about to burst with anger. I felt like a pressure cooker ready to explode.

I get up and start cutting the grass. I am cutting the front yard and everything is fine. I am starting to relax, i guess the exercise helps relieve stress. I stop the mower and push it to the back yard. When i start the mower back up it doesn't want to run right. The RPM's keep going up and down. I fiddle with it trying to adjust it and it just didn't work. I go to the garage to get a wrench but for some reason i grabbed my sledge hammer. I walk back to the mower and commence to beat the shit out of it with a sledge hammer. I totally destroyed that mower. When i realized what i had done and had to buy a new mower, i went to pounding on it again. I just couldn't stop. I grabbed it by the handle and started swinging it into a tree. This went on for several minutes and when i stopped i felt a little better.

I calmed down and then went to buy a new mower. $250 dollars later i come home with my new mower and i am pissed that a lawn mower cost me $250 so i grab my sledge and go get some off my old mower. I work it over for a few minutes and then chunk it in the dumpster.

I finish cutting the yard and my world is back in harmony for now.

Looking back one might argue that it was a little extreme but it was my mower, my money and i am a grown damn man and i will spend it as i see fit.

Year 2029

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029



Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia,formerly known as California .

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwesternUnited States crops and livestock.


Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.


Iranstill closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radi oactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over byJamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.


George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.



Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.



85-year $75. 8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.


Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.


Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every
High School in United States.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is se lling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.


Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.


Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.


New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.


Floruba voters still havin g trouble with voting machines.

Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or very very scared.




I Love This Country!

It's The Government That Scares Me!

Dear Abby

Dear Abby,


I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas , who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time 'working girl'.


All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for President?


Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

Sorry, i really don't care

I was at the local Poodles and Noodles for lunch today and they had CNN on. They were talking about the 21 year old Canadian Omar that was in Gitmo. You see, when Omar was 15 he was caught in Afghanistan shooting at American Soldiers. They snatched Omar up and took his narrow ass to Gitmo. Now Omar is complaining that he has been held without trial.

Now i am a bit of a hard ass when it comes to prisoners. I feel that they are where they belong. When an animal can not play nice in society, you lock them up. I have no beef with that.

Now you might think that there are a lot of innocent people in prison. I beg to differ. How come the police have never to come to get me for any crime committed in Odessa? Maybe because i am clean, don't associate with criminals and they don't have my prints or DNA from other criminal activities. If a convict is locked up but really didn't commit the crime he is accused off, check his rap sheet. If he has prior arrest, leave him there. If this is his first time, then maybe a mistake was made. I doubt it, but maybe.

I had a family member that was jailed probably with falsified evidence. They wanted him so they went after him. Now i didn't think that they proved their case very well but he got convicted. He had a criminal history and several crimes he was never caught on. I don't feel bad that he got locked up. He deserved it.

Back to Omar, he was in Afghanistan shooting at Americans. His ass don't need no trial. He was not arrested. He was captured. He is a prisoner of war. He doesn't have the rights that an American has. I say leave him there.

Water board his ass for all i care. Water board all of them. If it saves American lives, do what has to be done. I really don't care. I doubt if any American living in the South really cares either. It seems to be the bleeding heart liberals that think it is unfair. I say water board their ass until they get with the program.

That is all. This has been a public service announcement.

The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, " I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center

Pity the middle class

The greatest fear in a man's life is to be poor. However, this thought is now changing due to subsidized housing, health and dental care, college scholarships, and various other welfare benefits provided you are poor enough. All you need to enjoy many advantages of life is proof that you are disadvantaged. In curing poverty, society has created a problem group called the middle class.

Nobody wants to be middle class anymore because the middle class has an awkward amount of money - too much to be eligible to live as well as the poor, and too little to live as well as the rich. Instead of living downtown the poor sap has to buy a crummy lot 35 miles from town and then spends the rest of his life trying to pay bills, educate the kids and meet the mortgage because no one will help him out. If poverty gets any more attractive, the following conversation may soon be commonplace at the office:

"Mr. Massey, I wonder if I could speak to you a minute?"
"What is it Dill, I'm very busy."
"It's about my salary, Sir. I wonder if you could give me a decrease?"
"You had a decrease less than a year ago, Dill."
"I know, Sir, and I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important. But I sure could use less money."
"What size decrease did you have in mind?"
"Well, I know it is a lot, but I was hoping for a $25.00 cut in salary."
"$25.00! That's a big slide, Dill. What have you done to merit this decrease?"
"I've worked for the company 19 years, Sir, and I have never let you down. My work has always been up to standard."
"I realize that, Dill. But $25.00! Wouldn't you be satisfied with a $15.00 cut? You know we have a budget and we are already below last year's figures."
"I guess a $15.00 decrease is better than none, Sir, but my wife and I had our hearts set on a $25.00 decrease."
"How about a $20.00 decrease?"
"That's better yet, Sir, but if I made $25.00 less, we would be eligible for an apartment in the city's new development, the one downtown with a pool, sauna, bath and tennis courts. Besides, my son would qualify for a government scholarship and we could get his teeth fixed."
"You drive a hard bargain, Dill. O.K., you get a $25.00 decrease on this condition. If your work slips, you'll take a $10.00 raise and no questions asked. Also, I hope you will invite me over for tennis and a swim some night when you get moved into your new place."
"Certainly, Sir. I believe the poor should share with the less fortunate."

Singing, dancing and drinking

Here are shots of the last time Vince Vance and the Valiants were here in Odessa.