Oxymorons

Oxymorons
Oxymoron: a rhetorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined
1. State Worker
2. Exact estimate
3. Act naturally
4. Found missing
4. Resident alien
5. Genuine imitation
6. Airline food
7. Good grief
8. Government organization
9. Alone together
10. Small crowd
11. Business ethics
12. Soft rock
13. Butt head
14. Military Intelligence
15. Sweet Sorrow
16. "Now, then..."
17. Passive aggression
18. Clearly misunderstood
19. Peace force
20. Extinct Life
21. Plastic glasses
22. Terribly pleased
23. Computer security
24. Political science
25. Tight slacks
26. Definite maybe
27. Pretty ugly
28. Microsoft Works
29. Working vacation
30. Religious tolerance

The Balloon

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the >house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it, as he's liable to >break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. >You're going to break something."> He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping >center.> Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and >it lands in the toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in and while putting >away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to >the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks >down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big >brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled >as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to >examine everything.> When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his >knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his >pen and> sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes >and poop goes flying everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.> "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.> He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the >first time I've ever actually seen a fart!">>









You're laughing aren't you...I know you are!!!

The end of an era

In October of 2001 one of my technicians came to me and said he had this friend of his that was looking for a job. He said i would like him because he is a local bad ass and is pretty strong. I told him to send him over and fill out an application.A few days later this guy shows up. You could tell he was a stout son of a gun by the fact that he didn't have a neck. I gave him the application and i could tell he was a bit nervous. I decided to have a little fun. When i interview someone i ask questions that you surely are not expecting. Question like " If you are in a boat and the captain tells you that the boat is directly over the Marina trench and someone drops a bowling ball, how long will it take for the bowling ball to hit the bottom?"

After i get acquainted with Ricky i say to him" Kevin tells me you can bench press a lot of weight"He says" i can lift anything you have"Lucky for me we have weight room at work so i took Ricky back there and put 270 lbs on the machine and said get after it. Ricky pressed that weight 10 times. I was impressedI told Ricky if he could pass a drug test and background check i would hire him. Ricky said no problem with either one. I went and gathered a urine sample kit and gave it to Ricky and explained how to extract a sample and bring it to me. When Ricky came out of the bathroom he was holding the sample and shaking like pretty bad. He went to hand me the sample and i jumped back and said " Don't spill that dang sample on me. Get a paper towel and set it on this desk"Judging by the way he was shaking i figured he was going to bust on this drug test. I went ahead and sent the sample in and he passed.

Later when i hired him i asked why he was shaking so bad and he replied, " All those stupid questions in the interview made me nervous and then you made me Bench Press all that weight" We had a good laugh and Ricky started his career with us.

Ricky qualified as a technician very fast and within 3 years was promoted to salesman. Now 5 years later he has a chance to take over his Dad's business and he has to go. I don't blame him but i will miss him.

I wish you well my friend.

I asked Ricky what he was going to be making over at the other company but he wouldn't tell me. I suspect he received a large increase in pay because when i went by his house he had bought a new car. Below is a picture. Lucky Bastard

The Homos are after the Hetros

I have to tell you that i can not believe that is still debated. A marriage is a union between a man and a women. Simply check the Human Owners Manual.

People need to accept that homosexuality is a moral sin and drop the subject. We can not allow this lifestyle to surface or it will erode the very fabric of society. Same sex marriage is wrong and by stating that hetro couples must have children is outrageous. I look forward to following this one. Read the exert i have below.

OLYMPIA, Wash. (AP) -- Proponents of same-sex marriage have introduced a ballot measure that would require heterosexual couples to have a child within three years or have their marriages annulled.
The Washington Defense of Marriage Alliance acknowledged on its Web site that the initiative was "absurd" but hoped the idea prompts "discussion about the many misguided assumptions" underlying a state Supreme Court ruling that upheld a ban on same-sex marriage.
The measure would require couples to prove they can have children to get a marriage license. Couples who do not have children within three years could have their marriages annulled.
All other marriages would be defined as "unrecognized," making those couples ineligible for marriage benefits.
The paperwork for the measure was submitted last month. Supporters must gather at least 224,800 signatures by July 6 to put it on the November ballot.
The group said the proposal was aimed at "social conservatives who have long screamed that marriage exists for the sole purpose of procreation."
Cheryl Haskins, executive director of Allies for Marriage and Children, said opponents of same-sex marriage want only to preserve marriage as the union of a man and a woman.
"Some of those unions produce children and some of them don't," she said.
---

R.I.P. Anna Nicole

Exclusive photo of casket purchased for Anna Nicole.

One more thing to hate about Walmart

This weekend the wife sent me grocery shopping. I went to Walmart as usual and filled my basket. i was standing in one of 5 open checkout lines, with about 4 people in front of me, quietly looking through the tabloids there at the register. I just have to know what movie star is making an ass of themselves this week. The lady in front of me is in her 60's i would guess. She had two bottles of wine on the conveyor. When the clerk rang up the wine the clerk asked the lady for her ID. I figured the clerk was just being nice as this women was well over 21 and anyone could tell that. The clerk took her drivers license and ran it through the cash register card reader. This struck me as odd. I was thinking the clerk was too lazy to enter her birth date so she just scanned her license.

Curiosity got the better of me and i asked the clerk "why did you scan her license?"

Clerk replied " to make sure the license is not suspended or expired"

Well i continue to unload my cart but the clerks answer started bugging me. I then ask the clerk "what difference does it make if a persons license is suspended or expired?" About this time a couple of people at the registers on both sides of us kinda perk up. I guess after standing in line for 15-20 minutes they could smell the excitement of an argument in the air.

The clerk replies " we don't want to sell them alcohol if their license is suspended for DWI"

I said " what damn business is it of yours or Walmarts if my license is suspended. Texas law requires that i be 21 years old to purchase alcohol. I do not have to have a drivers license to buy alcohol."

The clerk says " you have to have a valid state issued ID to buy alcohol"

I said " fine. My drivers license can be suspended and it is a valid state issued ID. It may not be valid for driving but it is none the less a valid ID"

The clerk then proceeded to tell me that " It is Walmart's policy to not sell alcoholic beverages to anyone with a suspended or expired drivers license"

" Good enough" i said. I now know that Walmart is policing the populace to make Midland TX a better place for me to live. Needless to say this gave me the red ass. I feel that my rights are slowly being taken away from me. The government is bad enough but when Walmart gets in on the action i think it is too much. I decided to take a stand on this issue. Right then and there one of us was going to give.

I had all of my groceries unloaded and saved the 30 pack for the very last item. She ran the beer through the scanner and asked for my ID. I pulled out my wallet and showed it to her through the plastic window in my wallet. She says " I need to scan it"

I said " I don't think so. Feel free to look at all you want but i don't want it scanned."

She looked at me with this puzzled look and said " I have to scan it or i can not sell you the beer"

I politely said " look missy, I do not want my license scanned. I do not want the government tracking me and looking into my alcohol consumption. I have proven i am 21 and that is all you need to know. Now if you decided not to sell me that beer, i do not want the $300 plus worth of groceries sitting bagged in that cart. It is an all or none deal and scanning my license is a deal breaker"

Well this threw the clerk for a loop and she decided she needed a manager to handle this one. The manager came over and after he informed me of Walmart's policy i simply told him that i didn't care what the policy was. If Walmart wanted my business they will sell me beer without scanning my license. I don't know if he was just avoiding an embarrassing situation or agreed with me but i got my beer and my license is scan free.

I don't dislike Walmart. It is one of my favorite places. I am just tired of all the Big Brother crap that is going on. We are getting to the point where we have to show our papers. I say take a stand. When Walmart first opened in Midland TX they didn't allow people to legally carry their concealed weapon. The Texas Rifle Association boycotted the store and sent out letters to all its members. Walmart rescinded its position and now welcomes persons legally carrying their concealed weapon. We have to take a stance.

The fastest thing in the world

I am sure you have heard the old joke, What is the second fastest thing in the world, your butt slamming shut after pinching a turd. What the fastest thing in the world, that drop of water that always gets in there. Well i am here to add one more item to that list.

Last year after having my appendix removed in emergency surgery, the Doctor told me my gallbladder was full of stones and needed to come out. Me being the frugal person that i am decided i would have it done in the same year as my deductibles had already been met. I am the person who hates hospitals. I am convinced that people go there to die. i do not like them so i put off my surgery until December. My Doctor told me it was out patient surgery so i would be at home that night. Woo Hoo i got lucky. He said be there 0600 tomorrow morning.

0600 rolls around and i am at the out-patient check in getting ready for minor surgery. They check me in and they assign you this little room. My wife got to put her stuff in the closet and she could come and go while i was in the OR. Everything seemed cool.

The Doctor rolls in and the women swoon, This guy is about 50 years old and is from Chili and talks with an accent. He is considered one of the best surgeons in Midland and the women go crazy over him. He is not a bad looking guy. After my wife rolls up her tongue she begins to ask a few questions. How long will it take, when can we go home, Etc.... Doc explains everything and he plans to do the non-invasive scope type surgery. This is where they cut you in 3 or 4 places about 2 inches long and remove the body part. Coll quick recovery and i am on my way.

Off to surgery i go and about 1 hour later they are wheeling me into my room for recovery. The bed has the head part up at about a 45 degree angle so i would be comfortable. I am lying there and my wife starts talking to me. I can't talk very loud and really didn't want to talk at all so she starts getting agitated. Since she can't here me she gets up and comes over and as she leans down to my head she placed her hand on the CPR release and the bed slammed down flat.

Let me tell you that the bed will slam flat faster than that little drop of water we talked about earlier. I screamed liked a raped ape and this freaked out my wife. She starts hollering at me to shut up because the nurses came running. I am lying there in pain cause when that bed slammed down i instinctively grabbed the side rails and tore my stitches. I was pissed and hurting and my wife was telling me to shut up and take it like a man.

I don't know who was happier when we left, the nurses or my wife but i still hear about how i was a baby that day. I do not like hospitals.

The Slut Shot

Well Rick Perry is at it again. I got to tell you that while all eyes are on Iraq, Texas is turning into a dictatorship. Rick Perry has mandated that by 2008 all girls entering the 6th grade must be vaccinated for Human Papilloma Virus (HPV). HPV is a sexually transmitted disease. Yes gentle readers, an 11 or 12 year old girl must get a shot for a STD.

I don't understand. Where is our morals going? Having to vaccinate 11 year old girls for STD's seems a bit much to me. Why aren't the parents teaching their children? Look at the diseases we have out there today that will kill you:
HPV
AIDS
Hepatitis A & B
Herpes

I have an idea, how about we teach celibacy. If a young man or woman does not have sex until she or he is married, you won't catch any of these diseases. I can prove it. Look at any Nun convent and they do not suffer from the diseases. Proven, celibacy works.

Now those who know me know i do not have any kids. True but i was a kid. I remember my Dad talking to me about STD's. He told me the story about how if you got VD then the doctor would put your willy on a table and beat it with a rubber mallet to break up the VD. It dang sure made an impression on me. I kept my willy to myself for the most part.

Here is an interesting observation. When i was in the Navy stationed in Italy, we used to visit countries that was very open to prostitution. When we hit these ports the sailors took off and had a good time. When we went to Africa, were 1 in 4 people have aids, you couldn't get them sailors to play with a hooker for love or money. Why is that? Simple, they knew they had a 25% chance of getting the AIDS. To my knowledge no one got the AIDS on my boat.

If a stupid drunken sailor can fathom this, why can't you people teach your kids that and preach celibacy until marriage? Enough about that.

Does the State of Texas have the right to assume that your 11 or 12 year old daughter is too stupid to be celibate and therefore MUST be vaccinated against an STD? I would say that is the million dollar question. If i were a parent and had a daughter i would be preaching celibacy constantly and i would be up in arms over this vaccination. Let me know what you think.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16975112/

America, What a country!!!!

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis, a new immigrant to the United States.He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,"Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, FREE medical care and free education in mylanguage!" Thepasser-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for havingsuch a beautiful country here in America!" The person says, "I noAmerican, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,shakeshis hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from middle East, I am not an American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?" She says,"No, I am from Russia!" Puzzled he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"The Russian lady checks her watch and says... "Probably at work!"

A Wee Bit Loaded

Howdy, I come to the puter tonight feeling no pain. 10 days ago i was diagnosed with Bronchial Pneumonia. I have since been prescribed Antibiotics and Hydracodone. I got to tell you that the Hydrcodone and beer is an excellent sleep inhibitor. But i digress.

I was watching the Super Bowl and was confused at the end. The reporter asked the winning Coach about the Social Significance of Super Bowl 41. What Social Significance? 40 Super Bowls were played before this one. What does having a black coach have to do with it? It really bothers me that the black community uses this to push their agenda. Why can't it just be a game? Why must it be a social equalizer? This type of media coverage is exactly what pisses me off and causes people like me to get disgruntled with blacks. How can they preach equality and then us this to promote their cause? This is what causes segregation and divides our country. How can we talk about equality when we constantly remind the world that we are not equal?

I do not understand how we can be united when the press pushes segregation. Can the black leadership be that stupid? what do they expect to achieve? I am an innocent country boy but i can not figure out what they are trying to accomplish. Please help me to understand.

Got to have one

This could be loads of fun.

Too Funny.....

Sporting Clays

Have you ever shot Sporting Clays? I went for the second time in my life this week. I have to tell you that it is pretty fun. I find that it is more exciting than Skeet or Trap. In skeet shooting you have two skeet houses. You push the button and skeet will come out of one of the two houses. You basically move around in 180 degrees and just change the angle at which the skeet approach you.

In sporting clays you have to have a golf cart or equivalent to move around the range. The range will have anywhere from 10 to 30 stations. At each station you will shoot 8-10 times at true pairs or repeating pairs. The skeet are launched from every possible angle you could think of. Out of 100 shots i scored a 51. Not very good. It was windy and cold when we went and one of the guys i was with is a pretty darn good shot. We show up and i am shooting my favorite Remington 1100 and my buddy has a $5,000 over under shotgun. I new from the start i was about to receive a butt whipping. I guess that high dollar shotguns pays for itself. After all he shot a 72.

It cost $30 a head to shoot and then the cost of 100 rounds of shells. I tell you if you think your a good shot go try it sometime. I am pretty good with a rifle or pistol but i am not that good of a wing man. Here is where we were shooting at
www.windwalkerss.com