The fastest thing in the world

I am sure you have heard the old joke, What is the second fastest thing in the world, your butt slamming shut after pinching a turd. What the fastest thing in the world, that drop of water that always gets in there. Well i am here to add one more item to that list.

Last year after having my appendix removed in emergency surgery, the Doctor told me my gallbladder was full of stones and needed to come out. Me being the frugal person that i am decided i would have it done in the same year as my deductibles had already been met. I am the person who hates hospitals. I am convinced that people go there to die. i do not like them so i put off my surgery until December. My Doctor told me it was out patient surgery so i would be at home that night. Woo Hoo i got lucky. He said be there 0600 tomorrow morning.

0600 rolls around and i am at the out-patient check in getting ready for minor surgery. They check me in and they assign you this little room. My wife got to put her stuff in the closet and she could come and go while i was in the OR. Everything seemed cool.

The Doctor rolls in and the women swoon, This guy is about 50 years old and is from Chili and talks with an accent. He is considered one of the best surgeons in Midland and the women go crazy over him. He is not a bad looking guy. After my wife rolls up her tongue she begins to ask a few questions. How long will it take, when can we go home, Etc.... Doc explains everything and he plans to do the non-invasive scope type surgery. This is where they cut you in 3 or 4 places about 2 inches long and remove the body part. Coll quick recovery and i am on my way.

Off to surgery i go and about 1 hour later they are wheeling me into my room for recovery. The bed has the head part up at about a 45 degree angle so i would be comfortable. I am lying there and my wife starts talking to me. I can't talk very loud and really didn't want to talk at all so she starts getting agitated. Since she can't here me she gets up and comes over and as she leans down to my head she placed her hand on the CPR release and the bed slammed down flat.

Let me tell you that the bed will slam flat faster than that little drop of water we talked about earlier. I screamed liked a raped ape and this freaked out my wife. She starts hollering at me to shut up because the nurses came running. I am lying there in pain cause when that bed slammed down i instinctively grabbed the side rails and tore my stitches. I was pissed and hurting and my wife was telling me to shut up and take it like a man.

I don't know who was happier when we left, the nurses or my wife but i still hear about how i was a baby that day. I do not like hospitals.