Dear Abby,
I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas , who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time 'working girl'.
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for President?
Signed,
Worried About My Reputation
21 July 2008
15 July 2008
Sorry, i really don't care
I was at the local Poodles and Noodles for lunch today and they had CNN on. They were talking about the 21 year old Canadian Omar that was in Gitmo. You see, when Omar was 15 he was caught in Afghanistan shooting at American Soldiers. They snatched Omar up and took his narrow ass to Gitmo. Now Omar is complaining that he has been held without trial.
Now i am a bit of a hard ass when it comes to prisoners. I feel that they are where they belong. When an animal can not play nice in society, you lock them up. I have no beef with that.
Now you might think that there are a lot of innocent people in prison. I beg to differ. How come the police have never to come to get me for any crime committed in Odessa? Maybe because i am clean, don't associate with criminals and they don't have my prints or DNA from other criminal activities. If a convict is locked up but really didn't commit the crime he is accused off, check his rap sheet. If he has prior arrest, leave him there. If this is his first time, then maybe a mistake was made. I doubt it, but maybe.
I had a family member that was jailed probably with falsified evidence. They wanted him so they went after him. Now i didn't think that they proved their case very well but he got convicted. He had a criminal history and several crimes he was never caught on. I don't feel bad that he got locked up. He deserved it.
Back to Omar, he was in Afghanistan shooting at Americans. His ass don't need no trial. He was not arrested. He was captured. He is a prisoner of war. He doesn't have the rights that an American has. I say leave him there.
Water board his ass for all i care. Water board all of them. If it saves American lives, do what has to be done. I really don't care. I doubt if any American living in the South really cares either. It seems to be the bleeding heart liberals that think it is unfair. I say water board their ass until they get with the program.
That is all. This has been a public service announcement.
Now i am a bit of a hard ass when it comes to prisoners. I feel that they are where they belong. When an animal can not play nice in society, you lock them up. I have no beef with that.
Now you might think that there are a lot of innocent people in prison. I beg to differ. How come the police have never to come to get me for any crime committed in Odessa? Maybe because i am clean, don't associate with criminals and they don't have my prints or DNA from other criminal activities. If a convict is locked up but really didn't commit the crime he is accused off, check his rap sheet. If he has prior arrest, leave him there. If this is his first time, then maybe a mistake was made. I doubt it, but maybe.
I had a family member that was jailed probably with falsified evidence. They wanted him so they went after him. Now i didn't think that they proved their case very well but he got convicted. He had a criminal history and several crimes he was never caught on. I don't feel bad that he got locked up. He deserved it.
Back to Omar, he was in Afghanistan shooting at Americans. His ass don't need no trial. He was not arrested. He was captured. He is a prisoner of war. He doesn't have the rights that an American has. I say leave him there.
Water board his ass for all i care. Water board all of them. If it saves American lives, do what has to be done. I really don't care. I doubt if any American living in the South really cares either. It seems to be the bleeding heart liberals that think it is unfair. I say water board their ass until they get with the program.
That is all. This has been a public service announcement.
14 July 2008
The Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, " I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center
10 July 2008
Pity the middle class
The greatest fear in a man's life is to be poor. However, this thought is now changing due to subsidized housing, health and dental care, college scholarships, and various other welfare benefits provided you are poor enough. All you need to enjoy many advantages of life is proof that you are disadvantaged. In curing poverty, society has created a problem group called the middle class.
Nobody wants to be middle class anymore because the middle class has an awkward amount of money - too much to be eligible to live as well as the poor, and too little to live as well as the rich. Instead of living downtown the poor sap has to buy a crummy lot 35 miles from town and then spends the rest of his life trying to pay bills, educate the kids and meet the mortgage because no one will help him out. If poverty gets any more attractive, the following conversation may soon be commonplace at the office:
"Mr. Massey, I wonder if I could speak to you a minute?"
"What is it Dill, I'm very busy."
"It's about my salary, Sir. I wonder if you could give me a decrease?"
"You had a decrease less than a year ago, Dill."
"I know, Sir, and I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important. But I sure could use less money."
"What size decrease did you have in mind?"
"Well, I know it is a lot, but I was hoping for a $25.00 cut in salary."
"$25.00! That's a big slide, Dill. What have you done to merit this decrease?"
"I've worked for the company 19 years, Sir, and I have never let you down. My work has always been up to standard."
"I realize that, Dill. But $25.00! Wouldn't you be satisfied with a $15.00 cut? You know we have a budget and we are already below last year's figures."
"I guess a $15.00 decrease is better than none, Sir, but my wife and I had our hearts set on a $25.00 decrease."
"How about a $20.00 decrease?"
"That's better yet, Sir, but if I made $25.00 less, we would be eligible for an apartment in the city's new development, the one downtown with a pool, sauna, bath and tennis courts. Besides, my son would qualify for a government scholarship and we could get his teeth fixed."
"You drive a hard bargain, Dill. O.K., you get a $25.00 decrease on this condition. If your work slips, you'll take a $10.00 raise and no questions asked. Also, I hope you will invite me over for tennis and a swim some night when you get moved into your new place."
"Certainly, Sir. I believe the poor should share with the less fortunate."
Nobody wants to be middle class anymore because the middle class has an awkward amount of money - too much to be eligible to live as well as the poor, and too little to live as well as the rich. Instead of living downtown the poor sap has to buy a crummy lot 35 miles from town and then spends the rest of his life trying to pay bills, educate the kids and meet the mortgage because no one will help him out. If poverty gets any more attractive, the following conversation may soon be commonplace at the office:
"Mr. Massey, I wonder if I could speak to you a minute?"
"What is it Dill, I'm very busy."
"It's about my salary, Sir. I wonder if you could give me a decrease?"
"You had a decrease less than a year ago, Dill."
"I know, Sir, and I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important. But I sure could use less money."
"What size decrease did you have in mind?"
"Well, I know it is a lot, but I was hoping for a $25.00 cut in salary."
"$25.00! That's a big slide, Dill. What have you done to merit this decrease?"
"I've worked for the company 19 years, Sir, and I have never let you down. My work has always been up to standard."
"I realize that, Dill. But $25.00! Wouldn't you be satisfied with a $15.00 cut? You know we have a budget and we are already below last year's figures."
"I guess a $15.00 decrease is better than none, Sir, but my wife and I had our hearts set on a $25.00 decrease."
"How about a $20.00 decrease?"
"That's better yet, Sir, but if I made $25.00 less, we would be eligible for an apartment in the city's new development, the one downtown with a pool, sauna, bath and tennis courts. Besides, my son would qualify for a government scholarship and we could get his teeth fixed."
"You drive a hard bargain, Dill. O.K., you get a $25.00 decrease on this condition. If your work slips, you'll take a $10.00 raise and no questions asked. Also, I hope you will invite me over for tennis and a swim some night when you get moved into your new place."
"Certainly, Sir. I believe the poor should share with the less fortunate."
08 July 2008
Singing, dancing and drinking
Here are shots of the last time Vince Vance and the Valiants were here in Odessa.
30 June 2008
Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?
The following is an actual question given
> on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
>
> The answer by one student was so
> 'profound' that the professor shared it with
> colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we
> now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well
Most of the students wrote proofs of their
> beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands
> and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
>
> One student, however, wrote the following:
>
> First, we need to know how the mass of Hell
> is changing in tim e. So we need to know the rate at which
> souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are
> leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
> gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
> leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's
> look at the different religions that exist in the world
> today.
>
> Most of these religions state that if you
> are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
> Since there is more than one of these religions and since
> people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
> project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death
> rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
> Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
> change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states
> that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
> stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
> proportionately as souls are added.
>
> This gives two possibilities:
>
> 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate
> than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the
> temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
> Hell breaks loose.
>
> 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster
> than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature
> and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
>
> So which is it?
>
> If we accept the postulate given to me by
> Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a
> cold day in Hell before I sleep with you', and take
> into account the fact that I slept with her last night,
> then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell
> is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of
> this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows
> that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
> extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the
> existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
> Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God'.
> on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
>
> The answer by one student was so
> 'profound' that the professor shared it with
> colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we
> now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well
Most of the students wrote proofs of their
> beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands
> and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
>
> One student, however, wrote the following:
>
> First, we need to know how the mass of Hell
> is changing in tim e. So we need to know the rate at which
> souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are
> leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
> gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
> leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's
> look at the different religions that exist in the world
> today.
>
> Most of these religions state that if you
> are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
> Since there is more than one of these religions and since
> people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
> project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death
> rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
> Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
> change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states
> that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to
> stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
> proportionately as souls are added.
>
> This gives two possibilities:
>
> 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate
> than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the
> temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
> Hell breaks loose.
>
> 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster
> than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature
> and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
>
> So which is it?
>
> If we accept the postulate given to me by
> Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a
> cold day in Hell before I sleep with you', and take
> into account the fact that I slept with her last night,
> then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell
> is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of
> this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows
> that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
> extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the
> existence of a divine being which explains why, last night,
> Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God'.
Faith
1. Belief in the truth, value or trustworthiness of someone or something. 2. Loyalty or allegiance. 3 A belief and trust in God. 4 Religious conviction. 5 A system of religious beliefs.
I have a friend who doesn't "Have the Faith" as he puts it. He wants a scientific answer to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that God exist. I can not seem to convince him. He is looking for Faith but they don't serve that at the bars. He is looking in the wrong place.
He says he wasn't taught about God in school. They teach about God all the time at church. He needs to go there and maybe he will learn about God. As an adult it is up to him to seek the faith. He will not hear a big booming voice from the sky.
I think he is stuck on the semantics of faith. He hasn't decided to live the faith yet. Until he gets serious about, it will elude him. I hope it isn't too late for him.
He shares the same morals and convictions that i have. We agree on almost everything. He has a bigger heart then me. He will go without himself to give to someone else, that he likes. A small stipulation, but a stipulation none the less.
The difference is that i try to live what i preach. He doesn't preach it, he knows it though, and he doesn't live it. I believe that he feels something is missing in his life. I hope i am there when he finds it.
It starts with prayer. Ask God everyday to reveal just a little bit more to you. Talk to God. I know he believes in God, he is just hoping everyone gets to go to heaven.
Let me know when you are ready to get serious. It will be journey worth taking.
I have a friend who doesn't "Have the Faith" as he puts it. He wants a scientific answer to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that God exist. I can not seem to convince him. He is looking for Faith but they don't serve that at the bars. He is looking in the wrong place.
He says he wasn't taught about God in school. They teach about God all the time at church. He needs to go there and maybe he will learn about God. As an adult it is up to him to seek the faith. He will not hear a big booming voice from the sky.
I think he is stuck on the semantics of faith. He hasn't decided to live the faith yet. Until he gets serious about, it will elude him. I hope it isn't too late for him.
He shares the same morals and convictions that i have. We agree on almost everything. He has a bigger heart then me. He will go without himself to give to someone else, that he likes. A small stipulation, but a stipulation none the less.
The difference is that i try to live what i preach. He doesn't preach it, he knows it though, and he doesn't live it. I believe that he feels something is missing in his life. I hope i am there when he finds it.
It starts with prayer. Ask God everyday to reveal just a little bit more to you. Talk to God. I know he believes in God, he is just hoping everyone gets to go to heaven.
Let me know when you are ready to get serious. It will be journey worth taking.
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