Survivor, Texas Style

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do
> one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."
>
> The contestants will all start in Dallas , then drive to Waco , Austin
> , San Antonio , over to Houston and down to Brownsville . They will
> then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock and
> Amarillo . From there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth and
> finally back to Dallas .
>
> Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that
> read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie
> Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for
> Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012" and "I'm here to
> confiscate your guns."
>
> The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
>

Looking for input

I am trying to understand the difference between Heaven and Hell. In the Bible it talks about hell being a place of great pain and a fire burning you. Hell is also a place where one lives with an absence of God. If a person is condemned to hell, wouldn't it be safe to say they lived their mortal live with an absence of God?

Satan, God and all the angels know the outcome. They know that Satan looses and God wins. Knowing this, why does Satan try so hard to keep people from God? It seems like Satan's only plan is to deprive God of as many souls as possible. If this is the case, why is hell such a bad place?

One question i was asked this weekend was "Do you live your life the way you do because you want to please God or because you're afraid of hell?" This got me to questioning myself. If i try to do the right thing, why am i doing it? Is it Love or Fear that motivates me? If it is Fear, then i am doing it for the wrong reason but it is a good start.

I think most of us don't comprehend what Heaven really is. Imagine that how you live your 80 or so years on Earth decide where you go when you die. I wonder how many people really believe that? I want to be happy here on earth but i want the reward of Heaven. Is that even possible? If it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to get to Heaven, do we have a chance? We may not be Oprah rich but compared to the rest of the world, we are rich.

Do we put earthly happiness above the afterlife? Is it worth it? I mean, 80 years compared to eternity makes me stop and think. For Protestants it is easy. Simply believe and you get to Heaven. I think it's a lot more complicated than that. You have to believe and live that belief. I don't think too many people do that.

Either way, come the end we will find out. I hope that i get to prove myself correct because an eternity in hell does not sound very fun.

This one cracked me up

Remember, effective communication can prevent a lot of problems

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.

Crusty old biker

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the Country, walks into a tavern and sees a Sign hanging over the bar, which reads:

CHEESEBURGER $2.50
HAMBURGER $2.25
CHICKEN SANDWICH $3.50
HAND JOB $500.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary Payment, he walks up to the bar and Beckons to the exceptionally attractive Female bartender serving drinks to a Meager looking group of farmers. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing Smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old Biker, "are you the young lady who Gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she smiles and purrs, "I sure am."

The old biker replies, "Well wash Your hands real good because I Want a cheeseburger".

Motorboat

So true

Magnums

Did he?

My liberal friends were right

They told me if I voted for McCain, the nation’s Hope would deteriorate, and sure enough there has been a 20 point drop in the Consumer Confidence Index since the election, reaching a lower point than any time during the Bush administration.
They told me if I voted for McCain, the US would become more deeply embroiled in the Middle East, and sure enough tens of thousands of additional troops are scheduled to be deployed into Afghanistan.
They told me if I voted for McCain, that the economy would get worse and sure enough unemployment is approaching 8.8% and the new stimulus packages implemented recently have sent the stock market lower than at any time since the 1980’s.
They told me if I voted for McCain, we would see more “crooks” in high ranking positions in Federal government and sure enough, several recent cabinet nominees and Senate appointments revealed resumes of bribery and tax fraud.
Well I ignored my Democrat friends in November and voted for McCain. And they were right…. all of their predictions have come true.

Thought of the day

Did you realize that President Obama probably signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?

Manswers, Tools explained

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh — ‘
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, predictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plasticparts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘DAMM-IT’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

The bailout mascot

The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

Amazing simple home remedies

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. MEN, AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES.. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Mayo and beer

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers..


A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar ! was full. They agreed that it was.


The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.


The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes.'


The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.


'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.


The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.


The sand is everything else---the small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.


'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'


One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'


The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.'

How to catch wild pigs or stupid Americans

A chemistry professor in a large college had some exchange students in the class. One day, while the class was in the lab, the Professor noticed one young man (exchange student) who kept rubbing his back, and stretching as if his back hurt. The professor asked the young man what was the matter. The student told him he had a bullet lodged in his back. He had been shot while fighting communists in his native country who were trying to overthrow his country's government and install a new communist government. In the midst of his story he looked at the professor and asked a strange question. He asked, 'Do you know how to catch wild pigs?' The professor thought it was a joke and asked for the punch line. The young man said this was no joke. 'You catch wild pigs by finding a suitable place in the woods and putting corn on the ground. The pigs find it and begin to come everyday to eat the free corn. When they are used to coming every day, you put a fence down one side of the place where they are used to coming. When they get used to the fence, they begin to eat the corn again and you put up another side of the fence. They get used to this side and start to eat again. You continue until you have all four sides of the fence up with a gate in the last side. The pigs, who are used to the free corn, start to come through the gate to eat, you slam the gate on them and catch the whole herd. Suddenly the wild pigs have lost their freedom. They run around and around inside the fence, but they are caught. Soon they go back to eating the free corn. They are so used to it that they have forgotten how to forage in the woods for themselves, so they accept their captivity. The young man then told the professor that is exactly what he sees happening to America . The government keeps pushing us toward socialism and keeps spreading the free corn out in the form of programs such as supplemental income, tax credit for unearned income, tobacco subsidies, dairy subsidies, payments not to plant crops (CRP), welfare, medicine, drugs, etc.. While we continually lose our freedoms -- just a little at a time. One should always remember: There is no such thing as a free lunch! Also, a politician will never provide a service for you cheaper than you can do it yourself.

A story of two horses

There is a field, with two horses in it:

From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing. Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.If you stand nearby and listen, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to the horse's halter is a small bell. It lets the blind friend know where the other horse is, so he can follow.As you stand and watch these two horses, you'll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on the blind horse, and that the blind horse will list en for the bell and then slowly walk to where the other horse is, trusting that he will not be led astray. When the horse with the bell returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, it stops occasionally and looks back, making sure that the blind friend isn't too far behind to hear the bell.Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges.He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need. Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives.Other times we are the guide horse, helping others to find their way....Good friends are like that... You may not always see them, but you know they are always there. Please listen for my bell .... and I'll listen for yours. Always remember to be kinder than necessary .... for every one you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Live simply .... Love generously .... Care deeply .... Speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.