George nails it!

GEORGE CARLIN'S RULES FOR 2007:
>
> > New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's
> > a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
> > particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of
> > the football team is doing these days -- mowing my lawn.
> > New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window
> > unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human
> > finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than
> > a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
> > New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
> > blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
> > for these kids: "Lucky bastards."
> > New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men
> > care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
> > New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
> > aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
> > Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
>water?
> > Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
> > New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
> > redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the
> > top
>is
> > now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
> > his a$$ will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
> > solved the Social Security crisis.
> > New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
> > a$$hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande,
>half-soy,
> > half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
> > extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,"
> > you're
>simply
> > a huge a$$hole.
> > New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
>card,
> > entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
>deciding,
> > no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who
> > is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
> > New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
> > doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a$$.
> > And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
> > anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
> > You're not spiritual. You're just high.
> > New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
> > deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive
> > Eating,
>because
> > watching those athletes at the poker table was just too darned exciting.
> > What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
> > It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
> > New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for
> > M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
> > New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on
> > crappy,
>old
> > television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
>remote
> > so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember
> > the reason something was a television show in the first place is
> > that the
>idea
> > wasn't good enough to be a movie.
> > New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
> > weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
> > Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for
> > you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
> > New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
>After
> > I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had
> > sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
> > there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude.
>I
> > just want to wash my hands.
> > New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear
> > "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
> > didn't really care in the first place.
> > New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job
> > that
>pays
> > better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo
>every
> > available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around
> > saying,
>"Do
> > you want fries with that?"